Parents, you may be ruining your relationship with your child without being aware of it. Learn more about it here.
What can you read in this article?
- Reasons why a child is not close to his parents
- How to have a healthy parent-child relationship
As parents, one of the things that bring us so much joy is having a great relationship with our children. That is why we invest in spending time with them and getting to know them to strengthen that special bond that we have.
When they are young like babies and toddlers, it’s easy. We are their favorite person, easily. They think the world of us, and we see the twinkle in their eyes when they look at us.
But somewhere along the way, something happens and it feels like we lose them. Our child-parent relationship gets tarnished and our child becomes more distant and aloof around us. From being those wide-eyed babies who are so eager to tell us everything, they start keeping secrets from us. Then we wonder, “Where did I go wrong?”
No parent is perfect. We’re all bound to make mistakes when interacting with our children, as much as we try to make our bond with them as strong as possible. However, some things we do that may seem harmless or normal can actually be hurting our relationship with our kids.
Ways you damage your relationship with your child without even knowing it
Clueless why your relationship with your kid has gone sour? Here are some things you do that can cause a strain on your bond and some ways how to prevent that and maintain a healthy parent-child relationship:
1. You criticize them constantly.
Ever wonder why a child refuses to talk to his parents when he’s upset? One reason could be that he’s tired of hearing “I told you so.”
We all want our children to become better, but constantly pointing out what they’re doing wrong can lead your child to believe that you’re disappointed in them. And not only that, but criticism can also hurt their self-esteem.
If you always criticize your child whenever she makes a mistake, her tendency would be to become defensive and put up walls around her.
“Our inner critic is formed from the voices that we grow up around. So if a child has very critical parents, they’re going to end up with an especially harsh inner critic. This can cause big issues with self-esteem later in life and create feelings of resentment within the relationship,” said clinical psychologist Elena Touroni from the Chelsea Psychology Clinic.
So while it’s your job to discipline and correct your child’s behavior, you should focus on teaching, not criticism. Teach your child what to do instead and focus on what they’re doing right. And instead of putting blame and diving right into the “sermon” part, you can be more empathetic and let your child talk about her feelings without any judgment.
2. You are being so overly protective.
It’s a dangerous world out there, and parents do need to take the necessary precautions. However, plenty of well-meaning parents ends up going overboard.
Their kids end up living in a bubble, totally sheltered from the real world. Thus, they don’t learn to stand up on their own two feet, nor do they learn self-confidence.
At the same time, you may also be sending your child the message that you think she is too fragile and incapable. Your intentions may be to protect her from any pain and suffering, but she may think that you don’t trust her enough to let her handle things on her own.
Our children need to know that they can count on us, of course, but we should also empower them and show that we believe in them. We can’t give them wings and not expect them to use it to fly.
3. You are always prioritizing other things.
One of the most common reasons why a child is not close to his parents is simply because they don’t spend a lot of time together.
As a mom, I hate it when my kids can’t come to me because I’m always busy with something else, like a deadline at work or a task at home.
There will always be something else that needs to be done—housework, your job, errands… the list goes on and on. If you don’t make time for your child and always put other things first, that can hurt your relationship.
It’s true that things need to be taken cared of at home and in the office. But in doing that, you may be neglecting the most important thing and that is to show your love to your kid.
When they’re young, they will try to get our attention (regardless if it’s in a negative way). But when they’re a bit older, they will just surrender and spend their time with something else if they think you’re not interested.
So put your phone down, turn off the television, and spend quality time with your child regularly—one-on-one, if possible.
READ MORE:
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4. You don’t listen when he is talking.
Let’s face it, not everything your child has to say would be especially interesting to you, but that doesn’t mean that you should only pretend to be listening. Kids can pick up on a lot more than you think.
According to Dr. Sherrie Campbell, a clinical psychologist, ignoring or minimizing your children’s emotions can damage their willingness to connect with and trust you.
How would you feel if you’re excited to tell your husband about your day, only to get a disinterested nod, with him even staring on his phone as you talk? You’ll feel like he’s not interested, right? Well, this is probably how your child feels when you don’t listen to her, let alone look at her when she’s talking to you.
If you really have your hands full, ask your child if he can wait until later, when you can give him your full attention. When you do, make sure to repeat to him what he said to make him know that he is heard. Discussing different topics that your child is interested in is a great way to strengthen your relationship and make them feel comfortable communicating with you in the future.
5. You lash out at your child.
It’s normal to get angry from time to time, but taking it out on your kids is an extremely unhealthy way to deal with your feelings. Raising your voice, name-calling, and so forth gives your child a bad example of dealing with anger, and also fosters fear, instead of love.
Moreover, lashing out at our children hardly solves anything. Instead, it sends a negative message to them. They may end up thinking that they are the reason you are mad, and they may start resenting themselves and you.
If you need a moment to gather yourself and take a hold of your emotions after a meltdown, tell your child that you need a few moments to cool down. Afterward, you can calmly talk to her and apologize for losing your cool, and tell her what you should’ve done instead.
Renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy shares this one statement you should always remind your child. Say, “There’s nothing you can do that would make me stop loving you.”
6. You lie to them.
While we may be saying white lies to protect your child or avoid a tough conversation, but experts believe that lying to them (even though these are just “harmless” white lies) can do more harm than good.
“Parents can inadvertently sabotage their relationship with their kids through telling white lies meant to protect their kids from the realities of life that may be scary,” said psychiatrist Dr. Carole Lieberman. “When kids find out the truth, they may feel [like they] can’t trust their parents to keep them safe,” she added.
Nothing ever goes wrong with being honest with your child and keeping the communication lines open so that you can explain something when they have trouble digesting certain information.
7. You openly and often criticize the other parent or their sibling
According to Dr. Campbell, criticizing or insulting a child’s other parent or siblings in front of them can lead to some trust issues. If you openly complain to one child about their siblings, it’s natural for her to wonder what you may secretly be saying about them to others.
In the same way, putting down their other parent may make the child feel confused or obligated to choose sides. To avoid putting the child in this type of stress or anxiety, it’s best to keep negative thoughts regarding your child’s other parent or siblings to yourself.
Regardless of how you feel about your spouse or how mad you are at their brother or sister, resist the urge to include your child in that dynamics. She really shouldn’t be in a position to participate in that conversation or make you feel better about it.
Photo: Dreamstime
Parents, at the end of the day, it’s all about connection. If you invest enough time and effort bonding with your child and making him feel loved and heard, it will be easy for him to trust you and be open with you. That regardless if you fall short along the way, you can just have a heart-to-heart talk and explain to him why these things happen. It’s important to admit that even parents make mistakes.
So if you’ve made one of these parenting mistakes mentioned above, find a way to forgive yourself for it and vow to do a better job at strengthening your relationship with your child.