Beautiful mess — It’s an oxymoron I used to describe what being a first time mom feels like. The nine months’ journey with pregnancy is already a roller coaster ride for us mothers and we all know that it is just the start of a messy yet beautiful journey of motherhood.
My postpartum experience is a series of highs and lows — in terms of my emotions and my energy.
Some days I felt fulfilled especially when I get to see and hold my Little One, but there were also days where I felt so inadequate and anxious on how would I end up mothering my own child, especially when I have to do all the parenting alone because my partner lives overseas.
The feeling of inadequacy gets even worse when I find it so hard to battle with my sleepiness in the middle of the wee hours, or when it was hard for me to keep a stash of breastmilk to feed my baby because I know I didn’t have enough milk or sometimes I thought, maybe I was not trying hard enough.
It is the pitiful feeling I get after seeing myself in the mirror and I see a different person with a scarred tummy from the CS, filled with maze-like stretchmarks and with an eye bags bigger than my face. I wish I had the courage to tell everyone how tired and drained I was but I ended up pretending I was one strong independent woman because I was scared I will be judged.
I heard people stereotyping depression and invalidating what the postpartum mom feels. And sometimes I find it so unfair how other moms would uplift themselves in a very uncalled for situation like they would say, “Nung araw ko nga nakaya ko na tatlo pa inaalagaan ko, tapos ikaw isa lang parang susuko ka na?”
But with all of these experiences I had three years ago, I drew my strength from the Lord who chose me to be a mother of my child. He knows exactly that I am enough and I trust his purpose for my life.
Motherhood is not easy but it is the most fulfilling ever.