Having sex becomes a task, especially after having a baby. You have no energy, or mood, or both. However, charity sex can change it all!
Remember the days when all it took to get hot and heavy was just a longing glance or the right touch? Hot passionate sex used to be a norm, especially in the early days of dating. However, you probably became steady, had kids and now, it is more of a task than a necessity. And in all probability, your husband tries to make advances, but you reject them because you are so effing tired all the time! Sex after a baby is difficult, no doubt about it!
In short, after becoming a parent, your sex life has tanked. It is not that you don't want to be touched. It is just too much effort at the end of the day. Well, there is a way out of this rut, and it is the best thing you can do to get the old engine running! It is termed charity sex, and your spouse won't mind it!
Thankfully, it does not involve anything weird. It is just usual sex, but here, you do it for more than just pleasure. And like in sex, I am going to stretch this article a bit before I come back to charity sex by discussing what turns people on!
What men want vs what women want
If you think that the answer is sex, it is partially true. What men and women really want, after having sex with the same person for a 1000th time is receiving pleasure than giving it. Let's face the truth here. You want to probably just reach an orgasm, wait till he finishes, and doze off to sleep. The cuddles are not as important anymore as they used to be. Pillowtalk is a task now, rather than something you used to enjoy.
And it is not your fault. Even if you have a husband who does his share of work (as should every husband), your kids still sap your energy, and many times, patience. So, sleep is what you want. Many women experience orgasms during sleep than during sex after becoming a parent. If only there was a way to ensure one every time you slept!
But secretly, both women and men want intimacy at the end of the day. The biggest difference though is the way they get aroused. Men get aroused when they are mentally active. Women, on the other hand, get aroused when they are mentally relaxed. ANd that is why many couples end up having bad sex for ages.
And so, the case of charity sex is strengthened as now you know what to do!
It may sound funny, but it is a thing. Charity sex, simply put, is having sex with your partner when he feels like it, even if you are not 100% into it. I am not talking about marital rape here. That is criminal. What I am saying is, if you find yourself in a situation where your partner is aroused but you are on the fence, play along instead of making some excuse not to have sex.
And the reasons why you should do this will actually make things simpler.
During the pregnancy and after the baby, the frequency of having sex has less than halved. Sometimes, weeks go by and you end up doing nothing. There is always an excuse, and not always given by you. Lack of sleep also affects your husband. His testosterone, the male hormone of virility, takes a dip after a few sleepless nights, and he may also not be in the mood.
That said, in the words of Ian Kerner, a sex counsellor and author of She comes first,
'Sex begets sex and a sex rut begets a sex rut.'
When you stop having sex, your body becomes used to not having it, and you forget how pleasurable it is! You need sex for marriage and so, you need to get on with it.
On the other hand, when you start doing it more regularly, you will notice that your mood improves and you start arguing less! You will also realise that you wanted it but were just not mentally into it till you actually started doing it. And once you did do it, you started enjoying it as well! This is essential in the long run.
So mom, go ahead and have some fun tonight! Or if you are exhausted, just start pleasuring each other and see where it leads you to!
Republished with permission from: theAsianParent Singapore