While moms look happy and smiley on the outside, you’d be surprised how many of us are dealing with mommy guilt issues on a daily basis.
One moment you’re sulking because you’re missing out on a girls’ night out. Then the next moment you start feeling guilty that you ACTUALLY entertained the thought because right now, you’re a MOM!
But honestly (and I think all moms feel the same), we are not machines. Our personalities do not change when we become moms – we are still pretty much ourselves.
The only change is in our priorities. Most of the time our children will take center stage, and when the thought of what we use to be is remembered, mom guilt can kick in.
Let’s talk about it! Read about:
- Mom guilt psychology
- Guilty mother syndrome
- Feeling like a failure as a mom
Guilty Mother Syndrome
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Do you ever feel guilty when it comes to your children? Maybe there’s a voice in your head telling you that you’re“not enough.” But you’re not alone in feeling this way, and you don’t have to accept your feelings of mom guilt.
Mom (or dad) guilt could be short-term or long-term. What matters is that you know your inner self and can trace your guilt back to its source. Investigate the true causes of your guilt, which may date back to your childhood.
After you’ve recognized your childhood triggers and upbringing, you can move on to discovering your own personal truth as a parent.
A mission statement is written by certain families. Others are simply aware of their core ideals. In any case, using this statement as a yardstick against which to make decisions is critical.
Moving forward, listen to your children. Mother’s intuition isn’t a myth; it’s a powerful source of wisdom and decision-making power that we, and women throughout history, have relied on to keep our children safe and healthy.
Children are great sources of information for determining whether your decisions are functioning and where you should and shouldn’t feel bad.
If your child is continuously demanding you to play with them while you’re working, you don’t have to feel bad about it; instead, arrange playtime with them later.
Mom Guilt Psychology: Don’t let it make you a bad mom because you’re not
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Psychology Today compiled a list of advice you can take whenever you’re experiencing guilty mother syndrome.
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Parenting from a perspective of guilt is neither powerful nor enjoyable.
It’s not about always questioning whether you’re doing the right thing as a parent. Make a decision on the type of parent you want to be, set your distinctive boundaries, and parent with confidence. Reassess and move forward if something isn’t working. Hand-wringing and regret erode your authority and make your children feel insecure.
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Whatever happens, your child will experience difficulties and challenges.
You could be the best mother in the world (whatever that means), but you can’t safeguard your child 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If something horrible happens, berating yourself may prevent you from being a powerful ally. Recognize your distress, but go on to developing a plan to assist your child without feeling guilty.
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Forgive yourself.
If you’ve ever been to therapy, you know that mothering is scrutinized psychologically. However, counseling frequently reveals that a mother did her best given the circumstances and situations she faced.
Allow yourself to go through the same process. Sure, you could have handled a situation better, but instead of blaming yourself, attempt self-empathy.
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Feel free to express your guilt.
It’s beneficial to discuss why you feel guilty about a certain circumstance or why guilt comes up so frequently with a spouse, therapist, or friend.
A sympathetic ear can often help us put our guilt into perspective. We, moms, begin to see that unreasonable expectations are at the base of our collective mom guilt as a result of sharing.
READ MORE:
Then and Now: How Motherhood has Changed Throughout the Years—and What Has Stayed the Same
“Motherhood has no time-outs” said one mom who had to continue breastfeeding despite breast abscess
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Trust your gut feelings.
Guilt can make it difficult to keep on track. You are the most knowledgeable about your child. Is your decision being questioned by a teacher or a friend? Don’t assume they’re on the right track. Keep an open mind to new ideas and comments, but not to the point of going against your gut.
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Don’t take everything you read at face value.
Be wary of researchers and blogs that lay the guilt solely on the shoulders of mothers. Because there is so much contradictory information, it is impossible to do the parenting “right” if we trust everything we read. Don’t try to keep up with the latest trends or feel bad if they aren’t your style. Simply be yourself and do your thing.
4 stages of life when you’re dealing with Mommy Guilt the most
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Feeling like a failure as a mom? Here are 4 Stages of Life that may make you feel less of a good mom.
1. When they are still babies
You might have just popped out the most beautiful being in your life, but then reality sinks in. Your nipples are sore – in fact, you’re sore everywhere.
Then there are confinement rules and endless opinions from everyone. Your little one won’t stop crying. You’re sleep deprived, sick of diaper blowouts and you start thinking, “what was I thinking when I signed up for this?”
Is this motherhood? Endless diapers, walking around smelling like poop, and lugging home-cooked baby food everywhere?
The truth is you don’t want to breastfeed, you wish your baby would sleep through the night, and you wish everyone would stop telling you what to do. But you can’t even tell anyone.
Why?
Because the fingers won’t stop wagging and the looks of disappointment from everyone will be too much to handle for now. Don’t even start talking about how stay-at-home-moms are pressured to go back to work because they do not contribute anything to the family finances.
With life revolving so much around your little one, before you know it, the resentment and frustration can start to creep in.
Let me tell you, it is normal if you find yourself starting to resent your own faultless baby when you can’t get anything done. I’m not talking about PPD. You are not alone.
A lot of moms are also dealing with mommy guilt trips like these too. Just catch yourself when it happens, forgive yourself, and then shower your baby with tonnes of hugs and kisses.
2. When they are old enough for school
Finally! A light at the end of the tunnel! School means moms can finally catch a breather! But this season opens up a whole new can of worms!
Moms start to outdo each other with home-cooked packed food, handmade costumes, extra homeschooling, and amazing birthday parties and playdates – really, the list is endless.
But you’re working now. Food on the table is catered from outside or reduced to simple one-pot meals. Fast food keeps the kids happy and TV sitting is becoming a norm too. There’s even tuition now, and as long as their grades aren’t too bad, you’re not too concerned.
But dealing with mommy guilt is hard. Every day is a mad rush. Between ferrying them to school, work, and other extracurricular activities, oftentimes moms find themselves rushing through homework and then rushing to put them to sleep so that they can have some time to themselves.
Remember the time you used to read to them when they were younger? You also didn’t use to shout as much too.
3. When they are in their teens
The common thing when dealing with mommy guilt is this big fat question: Did I do enough? Or did I love them enough?
Was their foundation solid enough as a kid? If so, why are they so difficult during their teens? Why am I constantly worried about them? Why won’t they talk to me? How do I get them to open up about things? Do I keep up the tough mother image or do I play it cool?
To be honest there is no way to know if we’re doing the right thing or whether we have done enough. We can only do our best and hope for the best. And yes it hurts when they’d rather spend more time with friends, and they start asserting more independence.
Do we let go and trust that they will be okay? Or do we reel them in? This is one type of guilt that never ends.
4. When they are all grown up
They are full-grown themselves now. So be prepared for the eye-rolling and answering back if you make a comment about the guys they date or how short their skirt is.
Perhaps till this day, you will still beat yourself up about not doing enough. Nothing much you can do anymore, they have their own mind and life now.
If they still take your advice, that’s great. But all you can do is watch quietly, hurting when they get hurt. You can only offer open arms when they come running back to you for comfort, because no matter what you will always be there.
Remember this: Every mom is still an individual with faults and wants. But at the end of the day, what we do and feel is universal to all moms, and we all share a common goal.
Dealing with mommy guilt might be a small price to pay, but ultimately we would gladly sacrifice ourselves to give our children the best.
Republished with permission from theAsianParent Singapore
Updates by Margaux Dolores