How to raise boys that are in touch with their emotions

Being a boy mom is very challenging, but it can also be very rewarding. Learn tips on giving emotional support for kids and how to raise boys who are in touch with their emotions here.

What can you read in this article?

• Why you shouldn’t be telling your son to “man up”
• How to raise a boy to be a gentleman

Being a boy mom can turn your world upside down. They can be rough, they can be rowdy, but they can also be really sweet.

When I had a son, I realized that it’s my job as a parent to raise him to become a man who is strong and confident, but also sensitive and compassionate.

Our society dictates for men to act tough – “Boy’s don’t cry,” as the song goes. Boys are expected to be aggressive and not show any weakness. Even my relatives play differently (more gently) when they’re playing with my daughters and rougher with my son. Some even believe that I shouldn’t coddle my son too much (and I should already stop breastfeeding him) or else he will turn out to be a “Mama’s boy.”

But if I want my girls to be strong and confident and know how to depend on themselves, I want my son to be kind and polite and to treat everyone, regardless of gender, with respect. And to be able to do that, as a parent, I should learn how to raise a boy to be a man who is emotionally secure.

Emotional support for kids – boys are more emotionally fragile than girls

According to a study called The Fragile Male, which was published in the U.S. National Library of Medicine, baby boy’s brains are more fragile and receptive to their mother’s moods and emotions.

Once they are born, their brain is not as developed as that of a baby girl’s brain, which has been found to be more advanced by at least six weeks.

This advantage gives little girls a sort of momentum, which propels them forward through each stage of their development, causing boys to lag behind not just in terms of physical but also when it comes to socio-emotional maturation.

Beyond biological factors, the way parents relate to them also influences their emotional development. In general, parents with daughters nurture them emotionally, while boys are told to “toughen up” or “man up.” Though these are admirable traits worth building, parents of boys should also prioritize emotional support for kids to grow up into adults that are healthy emotionally.

It might come as a surprise to some, however, that according to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association: boys are inherently more emotionally sensitive than girls.

I have always known this to be true. As a young girl, my mother would encourage me and my brother to be kind and to express our feelings.

My younger brother was smaller than his classmates and at 8 years old, he was bullied. The solution, his teacher believed, was to teach him to “man up.” He was constantly taught by other relatives to be tougher. Our mom, however, taught him to celebrate his sensitive traits and not view them as a weakness.

Twenty years later, he grew up to be a good leader who runs his own businesses well. He is tough in his own way without being mean. This is just one case that proves just how, when it comes to emotional support for kids, boys often need it more than girls, simply because it is not usually prioritized.

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Teaching boys to “man up” can lead to toxic masculinity

Encouraging boys to build a tough exterior might inadvertently discourage boys from showing sensitivity and expressing their emotions sows the seeds of what can grow into toxic masculinity.

Though often unintentional, we tend to stereotype and assume gender roles when it comes to the way we relate to our kids.

This is evident in the toys we give our kids: toys that promote nurturing qualities like dolls are given to girls while toys that promote assertiveness, like toy cars or musical instruments, are given to boys.

The different ways parents offer emotional support for kids can also be seen in the different ways parents talk to boys and girls. According to a study published in Pediatrics, mothers tend to spend more time talking to baby girls, especially during the first few months of life.

When it comes to discipline, some parents tend to go easy on the girls, while they are more firm when it comes to boys. A study out of Emory University found that dads had a habit of singing and smiling at their daughters, while those with sons took a more “matter-of-fact” tone and placed emphasis on praising achievements.

Moreover, teaching a child to “man up,” and repress his emotions can also lead to health problem in the future, according to Ted Zeff, Ph.D, a psychologist and author of Raise An Emotionally Healthy Boy: Save Your Son From The Violent Boy Culture and The Strong Sensitive Boy: Help Your Son Become a Happy, Confident Man.

“Men are less likely to seek medical help. Repressing emotions can lead to health problems such as ulcers, high blood pressure and heart attacks,” he said.

How can parents be more emotionally supportive of their sons?

Nurturing your child’s emotional health means giving them the support and guidance they need to develop ways to manage emotions, which will help them navigate every stage of their life.

Here are some things to consider when trying to raise an emotionally healthy son.

• Acknowledge their struggles.

Being in denial or downplaying their struggles, like fears or insecurities, won’t make them go away. Acknowledging the difficulties your son is facing can pave the way for proper guidance and it can help keep these struggles from hindering his emotional development.

• Validate their feelings.

Reassure him that his emotions matter. Do not be dismissive when your son shows sensitivity. This is where “emotional coaching” can also come in. There is no such thing as a “bad feeling,” even those that upset them are valid and worth paying attention to.

• Don’t react but reflect without judgment.

Try not to be too reactive and listen intently first before offering your opinion. Listening helps kids develop emotional expression, encouraging them to explore their emotional vocabulary.

• Make your home a safe space to express emotions.

Let your son know that he has your unconditional love and support, and never shame him for expressing his feelings. Tell him that it’s okay to cry, and don’t let yourself or other people make him feel sad or ashamed about it.

• Reach out to others for help, if needed.

As parents, it can be difficult to admit that you need others’ guidance when it comes to your kids, but this will sometimes be the case. Do not hesitate to seek professional help or enlist the help of an older relative to help kids manage stress and anxiety when needed.

• Spend quality time together.

There’s nothing like freeing up hours of your day just to focus on them, especially when they are having a difficult time. This lessens the pressure and gives you a chance to bond and communicate in a fun and relaxed setting. While you’re at it, don’t be stingy and shower your boy with hugs and kisses. He needs to know that expressing affection is okay, as long as it’s consented, of course.

• Don’t pressure them to open up.

Allow them to express their emotions at their own pace. Just reassure them that you’ll be there for them whenever they’re ready to talk.

• Monitor your son’s exposure to violence.

They say it’s natural for boys to be rough. But it can be hard raising a compassionate boy amid a cruel and violent culture. While it’s okay to indulge in superheroes and action figures, make sure that your son knows that violence doesn’t solve anything, and strength should be used to protect, not hurt others.

• Dad is key.

Ask your spouse to take the reins when trying to discipline your son, but do it in a gentle, non-aggressive way. Fathers are their sons’ first role models, so they should act accordingly. If you’re a single mom, expose your son to good, emotionally secure men in your family.

• Look after your own emotional health.

Above all, care for your own emotional well-being. Making sure you are healthy in this department helps you care for your kid’s needs better. It takes happy and content parents to help kids grow into well-adjusted, emotionally savvy adults.

How to raise a boy to be a gentleman

While we want our boys to be in touch with their feelings, it’s still nice to raise them to be polite and well-mannered. Below are some nice things to teach your little man to build his character:

• Hold and open doors for elders and ladies, especially pregnant women.
• Never cheat in any game or sport.
• If you lose, be a good sport and congratulate your opponent.
• Always look out for the younger and weaker. Your strength should only be used to protect others.
• Always treat other women the way you want your mom or sister to be treated.
• Always ask permission when using or touching that isn’t yours.
• Say sorry if you are wrong.
• Most of all, don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Society has its own views on what makes a strong man, but it is up to us parents to really shape our children’s minds and hearts to show them what really matters. If we instill good values in them while they are young, these will shine through when they get older. So stay strong, boy mom. You can do it!