What does it take to raise a well-behaved kid? Here are some tips on how to encourage good behavior in children.
What can you read in this article?
- What is a “well-behaved” kid?
- How to encourage good behavior in children
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is trying to discipline. As our child grows, he learns to establish himself as an individual with his own set of beliefs and ideas and having his own way of doing things, his own behavior.
But while we ultimately cannot control our children’s lives, how he acts and behaves, our job as a parent is to lay down the groundwork in making sure that he will be a good person in the future.
As we always say or hear from experts, every child is different. Some children like to follow the rules, while some prefer to break them and make their own rules.
My two girls who are two years apart are polar opposites when it comes to their behavior. One of them is very polite, obeys without batting an eyelash and likes helping.
Meanwhile, the other one doesn’t like to be told and needs to be reminded to use kind words when talking to others. One is very sensitive (she constantly checks on me and gets sad when I appear to be slightly mad, while the other one could be more empathetic.
That said, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to encouraging good behavior in children.
Is your child a “well-behaved” kid?
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But how can you say that a child is well-behaved? Is he someone who easily follows what you say, no questions asked? Is he someone who doesn’t have tantrums?
Because we know that toddlers are notorious at throwing them. Is he someone who always smiles and talks to strangers, who helps his teacher carry her things, or someone who prefers to sit timidly in the classroom?
According to Kenneth Barish, a clinical psychology professor and author of the book Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems. good behavior depends on the development of a moral identity – a child’s inner sense of him or her self as a good and helpful person.
“Children will behave well when they are able to regulate their emotions, when they come to value empathy and kindness and when they understand that the real reason to cooperate with adults is not ‘because I said so’ but consideration for the needs and feelings of others,” he said.
The responsibility to help children learn to regulate their emotions and practice self-discipline and empathy falls on our hands as parents.
11 tips on encouraging good behavior in children
Encouraging good behavior from your child can sometimes prove difficult, but it’s not impossible with the correct mindset. Here are some expert-backed tips to help you encourage good behavior from your child.
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Start early
While it may be amusing for some to see toddlers teasing or hitting someone older or bigger than her, it’s not a good habit to teach to kids as it can lead to behavioral problems in the future. Our kids like to make us laugh, and when we laugh at those antics, it makes the little ones think that what they’re doing is okay.
But what if she gets older and it’s not funny anymore? She will be confused: “If something has been fine up until now, why isn’t it fine anymore?” That’s why it’s important to set the rules early.
According to Dr. Claire McCarthy, a pediatrician for almost 30 years, the earlier you teach your child that hitting or biting isn’t okay, and that “no” actually means “no,” the better.
Of course, you cannot expect little children like toddlers to get it right the first time or all the time, but as long as you’ve laid the groundwork on good behavior and help them understand good and bad ways of expressing their emotions, you’re off to a good start.
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Avoid giving labels
According to Dr. Yaebin Kim, a child development specialist from the University of Nevada, labeling affects the way children see themselves.
How we parents or other adults label a child can have a lasting impact on how a child thinks of himself. It will become part of his identity. It does more damage than good because it puts your child in a box and on what is expected of him.
So resist the urge to call your child “Kulit” or “Pasaway,” and let your child find his own identity. If he is misbehaving, don’t call him a “bad kid.” He’s a good kid who’s just having a hard time.
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Be consistent and follow through with consequences
Rules without any consequences are not rules at all. Unless you are ready to follow up with consequences when your child misbehaves, your child will most likely disobey you. You need to be firm when enforcing consequences and always follow through if your child doesn’t follow the behavior you expect.
You also have to be consistent with the rules. That’s how children know that you mean business and they can’t throw a tantrum just so they can get their way.
“Once you’ve said no to something, it always needs to be no, which can be thoroughly exhausting — I understand that well. So pick your battles,” said Dr. McCarthy.
So in order to make your NOs count, you have to also give way to the YES. Your kids, your rules, but be consistent. For instance, in my household, any behavior that hurts someone (including hurting their feelings) or is dangerous should always be a no.
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Tell them what behavior you expect
Letting your child know what good behavior you expect from them makes it clear for your child what to do and what not to do. Setting expectations makes sure that there’s no excuse for your child to behave badly since you’ve already informed them what behavior they should have for certain situations.
“It’s good to teach children that certain settings (like religious services or public transportation, for example) require quieter, less active behavior — and to be respectful of others (being polite and sharing fall in there),” Dr. McCarthy said.
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Play with them
Playing sa so many benefits for your child. It keeps them healthy, it helps them learn, and it teaches them about good behavior too. According to Barish, playing with your child is the best way to teach cooperation and restraint.
“Every moment of interactive play with an admired adult offers an opportunity for children to learn rules and limits. In the course of this play (and work), children come to understand that rules are necessary – for safety and for living with others,” he said.
To maximize the positive effects of playing with your child, be genuinely interested in what your child is doing while you’re at it. Put your phone aside, stop getting distracted and enjoy this learning moment with your little one.
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Repair moments of anger and misunderstanding
Children make mistakes, but so do we. Sometimes we shout out of frustration. But it’s okay, you have not scarred your child for life. Instead, focus on what the next step, which is talking about it and navigating the situation together.
Barish said that when feelings of anger and unfairness linger, children are far more likely to become irritable, uncooperative and disrespectful. Therefore, it’s better to set aside some time, every day, to repair angry interactions.
Let your child know when her behavior is over the line. Remind her of the rules. It’s your job to discipline her. But despite your disagreements, let your child feel that you are still her safe space. You can talk about what happened, and the lessons you both learned.
If your behavior also went over the line, it’s okay to apologize even if you’re trying to discipline your child. Just give your child a hug and say, “There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.”
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Be mindful of your words
As parents, every word we say to our child has power. The famous quote summarizes it well. “The way we talk to our child becomes their inner voice.”
“If we are frequently angry and critical, our children will not be well behaved, no matter how much discipline we provide,” said Barish.
So instead of criticizing your child for every wrong thing he made or everytime he misbehaves, you can focus on encouraging him instead. For example, instead of saying, “You left your towel on the floor again. How many times do I have to tell you before you learn?” Say, “I know that you can reach the towel hook now, because you’re getting bigger and stronger. I bet you can hang that towel properly before you go out and play.”
Catch your kid being good too. Compliment her if she does something nice or if she obeys you. Bonus tip: let your child overhear you telling someone else about how good she is. That works wonders!
READ MORE:
REAL STORIES: “We said YES to our kids imbis na parati na lang NO—and this is what happened.”
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Teach them how to regulate their emotions
As mentioned earlier, self-regulation is key to good behavior. If you want your child to be well-behaved, you have to teach him how to control his emotions.
“Children behave well when they have learned to handle (or, as we now say, ‘regulate’) the anxieties, frustrations and disappointments of everyday life – when they come to learn that disappointments are disappointments, not catastrophes. They develop this ability through emotional dialogue,” said Barish.
Encourage your child to talk to you about his feelings. Don’t ignore cues that he is feeling upset. Instead, you can say, “I’m not scared of your feelings. I won’t leave you alone when you’re feeling this way.” Then later on, you can brainstorm ways of dealing with difficult emotions and even practice it so that your child will know how to apply it in real life.
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Teach them to wait
One way for children to learn about self-regulation is letting them wait. Pamela Druckerman, author of the bestselling book Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, observed that French parents do not instantly meet their child’s demands. As a result, French kids are more well-behaved because they know that their parents are not always at their beck and call.
No, this does not mean that you will completely ignore your baby when she cries, asking for you to pick her up. It just means that when your toddler orders you to get something for her, you give her a look and ask if she could’ve said it better before you help her. Or you can teach her how to do it herself and become more independent.
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Teach them the importance of other people’s feelings
Of course, respect for the needs and feelings of other is the foundation of moral behavior. This is the key to raising children who are not self-centered and behave not according to what is “expected” of them, but what is beneficial for many.
So always emphasize how good it is to share, ask permission, apologize and say thank you. And not just to parents, And compliment your child every time he does something that makes you or someone else happy.
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Set a good example
“You can’t expect a child to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ if you don’t, or to treat others well if you don’t. Remember that children always pay way more attention to what we do than what we say,” reminded Dr. McCarthy.
As their first role models, always be mindful, not only of what you say, but also what you do so that you can be a good example to your child.
Image from Pexels
Additional information by Camille Eusebio
Source:
Harvard, Psychology Today, AAFP