Sex can sometimes cause problems in a marriage, especially if you and your spouse have different sexual appetites. However, that doesn’t mean that you always have to fight about it with your spouse. Here are some things that you need to know about it.
Is it okay for a couple to have different sexual appetites?
According to Robin Milhausen, a sex researcher at the University of Guelph, “Sex drive is a hormonal, physiologically based urge that men and women have to varying degrees.” She adds, “I think it’s more helpful to think about ‘sexual desire’ instead, which incorporates the emotional and psychological components.”
A number of factors contribute to a person’s sexual appetite or desire, so it’s normal and okay for a couple to have different sexual appetites. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t have any problems with it. Some couples do have problems when it comes to their sexual desires, but it doesn’t mean that it should always be a problem.
How can it affect your marriage?
Sometimes, being denied sex can make a person feel sad, especially if it’s their spouse. It can also make that person feel unwanted or unloved, which can have a negative impact on their marriage.
Trina E. Read, a sexologist shares, “It’s what I call the ‘shame-blame-flame’ cycle. The person who wants to have sex feels unwanted and says something that makes the other person feel guilty or shamed. Then the shamed person blames the other: ‘Well, if you did such-and-such, maybe I’d want to have sex.’ And then comes the ‘flame’: anger, resentment and an argument.”
This means that if left alone, or not dealt with, your varying sexual desires can indeed cause a rift in your married life. Which is why as a couple, it’s important for the both of you to know what you can do to prevent it from becoming a problem.
What can you do about it?
The important thing to remember is that if your spouse declines sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not interested in you. It might very well be the case that your partner just isn’t in the mood, or they might really be tired.
Couples need to understand that sexual desires are complex. Just like the way that couples don’t always like the same food, it can also be the case that sometimes, a couple’s sexual desires might not be in sync. It’s not always the case that a couple’s sexual desires match, and that should be something that’s clear to married couples.
Talking about it is also important. Whenever you decline your spouse for sex, reassure them and tell them that it’s not because you don’t find them sexually attractive, it’s just that you could be tired or you’re really not in the mood to have sex.
Being open to talking about sex, and talking about your wants and needs can help you and your spouse feel more secure in your relationship.
READ: I love my husband but I don’t want to have sex with him. Is this normal?