Are your children shy? How can you tell?
Professor Heidi Gazelle (2008) at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro believes that you might have a shy kid if they can identify with any of the three following characteristics:
1) They “act really shy around other kids. They seem to be nervous or afraid to be around other kids and they don’t talk much. They often play alone at recess.”
2) They “watch what other kids are doing but don’t join in. At recess they watch other kids playing but they play by themselves.” And,
3) They “are very quiet. They don’t have much to say to other kids.”
In a study involving over 700 different third grade classes, Gazelle was able to analyze and identify kids who display any (if not all) of these three characteristics. What she found is that kids who can identify with any of these traits are recognized by developmental psychologists as “anxious solitary children”. In other words, these kids want to interact and bond with their peers, but their shyness simply prohibits them from doing so.
Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore claims that kids who suffer from this form of crippling shyness “[F]eel like outsiders looking in. Even among familiar, they often end up playing alone or just silently watching others having fun, without joining in.”
“Because they feel uncomfortable in social settings, they avoid interacting with their peers. This means they get less practice talking and playing with other kids, so they have less opportunity to develop social skills such as having conversations, resolving arguments, taking turns, or figuring out fun things to do together,” she adds.
Obviously, your child’s shyness has clear negative effects on their social development. However, Kennedy-Moore and other developmental psychologists believe that a shy child’s tendencies can be falsely interpreted by their peers as standoffish behavior. “Kids often respond negatively to this standoffish behavior. Compared to kids who don’t withdraw from other kids, shy kids are more likely to be actively disliked by their peers,” says Dr. Kennedy-Moore.
There’s no denying that children who withdraw from interaction with their peers are being put at an obvious social disadvantage. But, what can a parent do to aid their shy child? Better yet, how can a parent do in order to help their kids break out of their comfort zone and promote proper social interaction? With a few simple strategies supported by developmental psychologists like Dr. Kennedy-Moore.
Check out Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore’s 6 steps for helping your kids break out of their comfort zone! Click next to learn more!
Obviously, you can’t just throw your child to the wolves and expect to see positive results. What parents can do, however, is find ways your kids can interact with others that fit who they are as a person and yield positive reactions from their peers. Here are some expert recommended ways to do just that:
1. Follow your kid’s interests
You can’t simply expect your child to be malleable and open to changing his ways or interests. A better strategy would be to endorse his interests and find ways for him to bond with kids his age through that activity. If your kid is an avid reader, encourage joining a book club, or spending time with groups of peers at the library. Use your kid’s favorite activity as a steppingstone to making new friends.
2. Teach and practice social scripts
Using role play to teach your kids the basic social cues required to meet new people may sound strange, but it’s effective in teaching the skills they may not be able to practice otherwise. “Help your child learn simple social scripts through role play. For instance, greeting people with eye contact, a clear voice, and a friendly smile gets the friendship ball rolling. Asking “what” and “how” questions or giving a compliment are other useful and friendly scripts,” says Kennedy-Moore.
3. Focus on one-on-one interaction
Shy children typically feel more comfortable with one-on-one interaction as opposed to being in large groups of people. A good way to help get your child’s foot in the door, socially speaking, would be to encourage and practice intimate, private conversations with one person at a time. “Arranging and attending play dates can give your shy child a chance to practice social skills and deepen friendships. Having even one friend whom they like and who likes them back helps kids feel happier and be less of a target for bullying,” Kennedy-Moore says.
Check out Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore’s 6 steps for helping your kids break out of their comfort zone! Click next to learn more!
4. Teach them to respond when others are friendly or outgoing
Gazelle’s study showed that shy kids who were able to respond warmly to other children’s friendly overtures had an easier time socially. It’s important that you teach your kids to be on the lookout for others who are extending out to them. Teach them that they should react positively to someone being warm or inviting towards them, in turn they’ll grow to develop friendships or acquaintances with those people more naturally.
5. Take others’ perspectives into account
A lot of the time, children who are shy lack the concept of empathy. Not entirely, but it’s difficult for them to put themselves in other people’s shoes when they’re uncomfortable leaving their realm of personal interests. Dr. Kennedy-Moore says “to support your child’s perspective-taking skills, talk with you’re your child about thoughts and feelings as they come up in daily life or in books, TV shows, or movies. Talking about feelings helps kids label and understand inner experience. Mentally putting themselves in other people’s shoes can guide kids in how to get along. Looking outward, by focusing on helping others feel comfortable can also help shy kids break free of paralyzing self-focus.”
6. Remain patient
These things take time, and hard work. Keep patient when trying to help your kids break out of their comfort zone, because it won;t be easy for them to do overnight. Along with being patient, you should stay confident and positive of their ability to grow socially. “Express your faith in your child’s ability to grow and learn. With guidance and persistent effort, your child can begin to build connections with other kids,” says Dr. Kennedy-Moore.
This article was originally posted by Psychology Today
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