As a parent, you want to do everything in your power to make your child feel as loved and as safe as possible. So you refrain from doing anything that would threaten their sense of security; this includes fighting with your spouse or partner.
This is an admirable trait in parents, but it’s also worth considering how research has shown that it is alright to fight in front of your kids. In some cases, it can even be beneficial to kids because it allows them to learn valuable life lessons that they would not otherwise learn if they are shielded from opportunities to witness conflict resolution.
In an article for the New York Times, Wharton University Psychology professor Adam Grant explains how teaching kids to hold their tongues when they disagree could be depriving them of the opportunity to learn “thoughtful disagreement.”
Parents should make sure to fight fair and to teach kids the importance of “thoughtful disagreement”
Kids need to learn that sharing your viewpoint, even if you disagree, is not always a bad thing. As long as there is still respect and civility, there is no reason why parents should not show kids how to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
photo: Crayons and Compliance twitter account
Aside from the above guidelines, parents should be careful not to be argumentative. Airing your opinion well is just as important as listening to your partner. Be objective when it comes to processing, acknowledging their thoughts and feelings as valid.
To keep your child from feeling caught in the middle, do not make them responsible for being the “referee” or “peacemaker.” Stay calm. Focus on the behavior or issue at hand and not on the person. Remember: it should not be about winning; it should be about arriving at a mutual resolution, to move past the conflict together.
Observe how it affects your child. If you see them becoming withdrawn or hostile, there might be something in your argument that is upsetting them. Take a step back and discuss privately.
Fighting in front of your kids, as long as it is still done with love and respect, doesn’t threaten their sense of security. If anything, it might even be reinforcing it by teaching them their parents care enough to sort through difficult issues together and come out of it stronger and even more united than ever.
sources: Romper, Parents.com, The New York Times
READ: 5 Surprising reasons why it’s okay to fight in front of your kids