Intimacy is one of the key aspects that makes marriages, and most partnerships, last. But in the case of mom Brittany Meng, quite the opposite happened.
In her Scary Mommy article, she details how her marriage with her husband got better after they stopped sharing a bed.
For three years she and her husband have been sleeping separately, but before you start feeling sorry for her, know that their arrangement has been mutual from the get go.
Most importantly however, this set up gave her an altogether different perspective on their marriage, and gave her valuable lessons.
Clarifying your needs
“When I was around 20 weeks pregnant with Silas, I could not get comfortable in our shared queen bed,” she said. “My back and hips ached, and I was constantly tossing and turning.”
When she finally had enough, she went on to sleep in their spare room, on their 20-year-old saggy, soft mattress, which, as it turned out, was exactly what her body needed.
“This also gave me the space that my growing body craved. I could sleep with as many pillows as I wanted without crowding my husband out of the bed. Eventually, we moved the guest bed into our bedroom so we could still share a room.”
Ditch ‘normal’ if it doesn’t work for your marriage
“After Silas was born, my husband moved to the couch in the living room because newborn life and his 5:30 wake-up did not mix,” Brittany said.
And because their son was a touchy sleeper, they kept at it as months went on. But Brittany could help but think if what they’re doing is normal.
“But getting all the sleep was pretty much No. 1 on our priority list during those years, so the separate sleeping arrangements stayed. Normal or not, it’s what worked for us.”
Check in
At one point Brittany sought the wisdom of Google because she couldn’t shake off the idea that sleeping separately was doing their marriage a disservice; she found many articles validating her fears.
Finally, she consulted her husband and asked whether or not they were all right and if he wanted to move back into the room.
“Uh, not really,” he said.
At that point they had a new son, and her husband didn’t want to wake any of them up when his alarm went off.
No season lasts forever
“We kept checking in and realized how much we missed the pillow talk, the comfort of sleeping near the one you love, and the normalcy of sharing a bed when you’re married.”
So when their second son turned one, they moved him into his own room.
Getting to the place you want requires sacrifice
“We were both used to having our own space by this time, so we decided to upgrade to a king-sized bed…The new mattress, bed frame, and sheets cost us nearly $1,000, but it was a financial sacrifice that we were more that willing to make. We were excited when our ‘separation’ came to a conclusion at the end of January when we “moved in” with each other again.”
You might find sleeping separately strange, or even downright wrong, but Brittany learned that normalcy doesn’t matter in certain respects.
It made her marriage better because “we kept checking in with each other about what we both wanted and needed. During those months and years of pregnancy and babyhood, what we needed most was space and sleep.”
READ: Should you be co-sleeping with baby or putting him in the crib?
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