It's really hard for a mother to be away from his child, let me tell you my story.
Most motherhood stories I hear are from mothers living with their children. And God knows how much I dream to tell such story because mine is something different from them.
I am a long-distance mom. My husband and I do not live with our son, Zach. I left him in the province 3 months after I gave birth. Our work is here in Manila, and sadly, we were not able to find someone who can take care of him here. I cannot just resign because of financial reasons.
The "Dapat" List
With the kind of setup we have, as a mother away from my child, I miss out 90% of his milestones. For me, the pain of not being able to take care of your own son is almost unbearable. Negative thoughts often rule my mind and heart.
“Dapat ikaw ang huli at una niyang nakikita sa araw-araw.”
“Dapat andoon ka sa bawat milestone niya.”
“Dapat ikaw ang nagpapatahan sa kanya kapag umiiyak siya.”
“Dapat ikaw ang nagtuturo sa kanyang maglakad, magasalita at kumain.”
“Dapat ikaw ang napapagod sa pag-aalaga sa kanya.”
“Dapat ikaw ang naglalaba ng mga damit niya at naghuhugas ng bote niya.”
“Dapat ikaw ang napupuyat sa gabi hindi si Mommy mo na may edad na.”
“Dapat nandoon ka sa tabi kapag nagpapabakuna siya at kapag nagkakasakit siya.”
“Dapat andoon ka para alagaan siya noong nagka-Covid ang iba sa kanila.”
“Dapat ikaw ang magpalaki sa kanya at hindi sila.”
And the “Dapat” list goes on…. It's an unending list and for me, a painful one.
Things got even harder when the pandemic hit. Looking for a new work opportunity (one closer to home) became harder. And we can’t just go home any time, which is why we missed a lot of special occasions like his first birthday and Christmas celebrations.
We were able to go home last March 2021 so we held his simple 2nd birthday and christening celebration. Those days were the happiest days of my year so far. But the last day where I bid goodbye is also one of the saddest moments as a mom. And it became more painful when he said, “Mama Sheena left me” in Ilokano. The pandemic intensified the feeling of being away from my child.
I often feel guilty for not being able to fulfill my basic duties as a mother. I envy other moms na kapiling ang kanilang mga anak and I pity myself because I couldn't be with Zach physically to watch him grow.
As a mother away from my child, I also worry na magiging malayo ang loob niya sa akin in the future. Because of this, I sometimes doubt God’s plan for me and my family. And I hate myself for that. I’m still in the process on discerning what His plan really is.
I keep telling myself that I am not less of a mother for being far away from my son. People who are close to me remind me of that often. But there are times that I don’t believe it. The fact that I am not there beside him as he grows makes me feel like I'm failing as a mom. It’s like living my life every day knowing that there's a piece of me that's missing.
Even until now that Zach will be turning 3, I still can’t say with full conviction that I am a good mother to him. Can I even consider myself as his mother?
I often feel that I am less of a mother dahil hindi ko kasama ang anak ko.
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Focusing on being grateful
There are times that I am weak but there are times that I am strong. There are times that I cry a lot but there are times that I just laugh it out. There are times that I am ungrateful for our situation but there are times that I am so overflowingly grateful.
There are times that I want to leave everything behind and just go home but there are times that providing his needs is much more important than anything else. There are times that I am insane and times that I am sane. It’s an everyday battle for me. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.
But one thing is certain, I am not alone. My husband is here to share my pains and joys. My sister tries to cheer me up whenever she can.
And of course, my Mommy Nel and my sisters back home! They do the things that I should be doing for Zach. They are the ones accomplishing my “Dapat” list. Plus, I have nieces and a nephew who plays with him and keep his childhood fun. We will forever be grateful for having them in our lives!
Frankly speaking, I have reasons to be sad but at the end of the day, I need to be strong. My life now is not about me but about my son and our little family.
My longingness for Zach will always be there, but God is filling it up with other blessings. No matter how hurtful our long-distance relationship is, I know that this, being a mother away from my child, is just temporary. I won’t stop looking for new opportunities that will enable us to be with Zach and personally take care of him whether here in Manila or in the province.