It wasn't easy, but eventually I learned to forgive you for walking out on me and mom.
I still remember that day clearly in my mind, even if it was more than 2 decades ago. I remember seeing mom crying and pleading for you not to go. I also remember you looking me in the eyes, like you wanted to say goodbye, but you just kept quiet and left.
Mom said I shouldn’t bother looking for you
It took a while for me to understand what was happening, since I was 5 or 6 at the time. But as the years went by, I started asking mom about it. I guess it was really hard for her to talk about it, since she just kept telling me that you left us because you had money problems and that I shouldn’t bother looking for you.
I guess we were a happy family, even without you in our lives. Mom eventually found someone, and it was pretty nice having a father figure in my life for once.
Still, I had this feeling in the back of my mind that I wanted to see you again. To remember what it was like to have a father, my real father with me.
Mom loved you the moment she met you
It wasn’t easy talking to mom and my stepdad about it. They both loved me, and I loved them just as much. Still, I barely remember you in my life, and I knew that I had to find you, to talk to you, and ask you why you left us all those years.
Eventually, mom relented and told me about what happened. She said that you met a woman while you were on one of your business trips, and one thing led to another, and you started having an affair. Mom told me that when she found out, she was absolutely devastated. She said that she loved you ever since she first met you, and that you were college sweethearts.
I guess that explains why mom never wanted to talk about you. You were her first love, and you broke her heart. She told me that you tried a few times to reconnect with her, and come back to us, but at that point she was happy with her life, and she didn’t want anything to do with you anymore. I can’t blame her, I became angry after hearing her story, and I decided to give up looking for you.
But eventually, I figured that people make mistakes. I wanted to see you, and tell you that I forgive you for walking out on us.
I was devastated
Finding you wasn’t easy since all I had to go with was your name, and an old picture that mom kept. But eventually, I found you. However, it wasn’t quite what I expected.
I expected to see a man taller than me, with similar features as mine, since mom always told me I looked more like you than her. I was anxious to see you, to finally meet the man that I had been looking for all my life. All I had to go on were my vague memories of you; I barely knew who you were, but I knew that I wanted to see you.
I didn’t know what to feel when your neighbors told me the news that you’ve passed away a couple of years ago. I was devastated.
I was so close to finally meeting you, to finally get to know the man who for all these years, was a mystery to me.
I guess I really wasn’t meant to meet you. Maybe it was your punishment for walking out on us all those years ago, but I felt sad for you. Mom told me that your woman left you not long after you walked out on us, and that you lived alone for a while.
I hope that in any way, shape, or form, you get to read this, and you get to know how I feel. I never met you, but I love you. Thank you for bringing me into this world, and taking care of me, even if it was only for a few years. I might not have grew up with you, but I like to think that in some way, you were always with me.
I forgive you dad, I hope that you’re finally at peace.
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