Admitting that you’re wrong is always difficult, but it’s a necessary part of maintaining relationships. After all, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and so we should all own up to them. So how to apologize to kids?
What can you read in this article?
- Importance of saying sorry
- How to apologize to your kids for being a bad mom
However, most parents don’t even think to admit their mistakes to their children. Perhaps they think that by admitting they are wrong, they are giving up their authority, when in fact, apologizing is a show of strength, not weakness. Owning up to your mistakes will make you even more effective as a parent. Here’s why.
Importance of saying sorry
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, clinical assistant professor of Psychiatry at George Washington University School of Medicine says that the first thing to remember when apologizing to your kid is that “all parents snap at their children” from time to time.
It’s normal and it doesn’t make you less of a good parent to your kids. (It’s a different discussion when we’re talking about emotional abuse and violence though!)
What’s important is what happens after THAT incident, how you recognize your mistake, and how you apologize for it.
How to apologize to kids: What’s the importance of saying sorry?
1. You need to set a good example
Do you often wonder why your child has a hard time admitting that he was wrong? Perhaps you don’t have to look very far to find the reason why. Empowering Parents says that we should show our children that we own up to our mistakes and learn from them.
Apologizing and owning up to our mistakes sets a good example that our children will surely exhibit when they are faced with the same situation. Remember that your kid looks up to you, what you do they imitate too.
2. It strengthens your relationship
According to the Raising Kids Who Can Cope series from Jackson County, apologies helps mend relationships by “[restoring] good feelings, [reducing] the resentment your child may feel, and [giving] you a chance to talk to your child about what happened and why it was wrong.”
Talking to your child about your mistakes doesn’t have to be a long and painful conversation. As long as you have explained yourself and have acknowledged where you went wrong, the conversation would be a pleasant, learning experience for both the parent and the child.
3. It builds trust
When you admit that you are wrong and apologize for it, you’re showing your kids how you respect and hold the same values you teach them. If you do not acknowledge that you have done something wrong, your children may feel mistrust and unfairness, and may even turn this moment against you once apologizing for mistakes comes up.
4. It empowers your child
We sometimes forget that our child is an actual person who needs our respect as well. Apologizing for our wrongdoings is “a matter of basic respect,” says Romper. Admitting to our kids that we made a mistake gives them that kind of respect.
Kids are also more perceptive than we give them credit for. They’re able to tell if we’ve done something wrong, and if we pretend otherwise, we might be “teaching them that they should mistrust their own instincts in their interactions with other people, which sets them up to be mistreated in other relationships.”
5. It shows vulnerability and bravery at the same time
Apologizing to your kid shows how you can be both vulnerable and brave by admitting that your wrong, apologizing, and making up for the mistake you’ve made. This is another set of values that you can teach your kids. You can be brave by opening yourself and admitting that sometimes you make mistakes too.
6. It releases you from guilt
Not owning up to your mistakes can lead to a slippery slope of shame and self-loathing. Parenting.com states that apologizing allows parents to focus on their children instead of themselves, allowing both parents and kids to feel better in the end.
7. It teaches them that it’s okay to mess up sometimes
Admitting that you are wrong and that you made a mistake teaches them that it’s okay to mess up sometimes. With every failure or error, there is learning and lesson. Your kid shouldn’t be afraid to make mistakes, and most importantly, should be ready to admit his mistakes, apologize, and learn from them.
What your child shouldn’t feel about apologizing
You recognize your mistake and apologize because you don’t want your child ingraining these things into their values:
- Apologizing means you are bad. Nope, apologizing actually makes you brave, accountable, and responsible.
- It’s okay to let an incident pass and not acknowledge it. Nope, it’s always important to discuss misunderstandings and arguments and talk about how you can do better next time.
- When you apologize, you lose power. Nope, you build trust, strength, and confidence.
- You only apologize when you are asked to. Nope, you should always be the better person and admit your mistake. Apologizing is an act of love and respect too.
How to apologize to your kids for being a bad mom
Dr. Tovah P. Klein, director of Barnard College Center for Toddler Development and author of How Toddler Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children 2 to 5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success, says that:
"It's scary for a child when a parent is upset with her. If you show her you genuinely recognize you hurt her feelings, it illustrates that you will both come back together and the relationship can be repaired."
Moreover, for Susan Shapiro, college professor and New York Times bestselling author of The Forgiveness Tour: How to Find the Perfect Apology, “Acknowledgment of the mistake, offense, or insensitivity is the first step to apologizing properly.”
Not only do you apologize but you also should enlighten your child about what happened, what went wrong, what you could’ve done instead, and what would you do next time.
Shapiro believes that by giving your child an explanation for your incorrect behavior, you are humanized and space for compassion to flourish is built.
Dr. Klein believes that apologizing is about “recognizing your own behavior” and “[is showing] empathy and connection”. Show them how you acknowledge that you shouldn’t have yelled at them for a simple error, and rather take a deep breath, process, and talk to them calmly about what went wrong.
Finally, parents should utilize an apology as a learning opportunity, according to Lynn Zakeri, a former elementary school social worker. She believes that each mistake we make can teach young children how to be reflective and take responsibility if we phrase the apologies right.
There are many ways to apologize to your child. You can say:
- “I’m sorry about that thing I said to you. I know it was mean and…”
- “I’m sorry I forgot where I put your shirt.”
- “I’m really sorry I hit you when I was mad. I won’t do that again.”
- “I overreacted. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn’t have done that.”
But when’s the best time to apologize?
Even if it’s just a small moment, as long as you know that you’ve hurt them, admit your mistake and apologize. First, test the waters and make sure everything has calmed down. But you don’t want the issue to pass for too long.
You can approach your child and ask her if she’s ready to talk and reconcile. Ask her how she’s feeling and get a grasp of how she perceived what happened versus how you understood it. At this point, you might already have a difference and this might help you explain and make up for the mistake.
Apologize and actually say the words, “I am sorry.” (or any of the lines we wrote above!). Then, ask how you can make it up to her. You can also discuss what you should do the next time it happens again.
Lay everything down and make sure you have discussed every bit of what happened and that full understanding has been made to both you and your child.
Once you’ve patched things up, you can take it up a notch by treating her to her favorite meal, doing something together she enjoys, or just about anything that can further lift her mood.
It takes a lot of courage for a parent to admit that he or she has done wrong to his or her child. And while this shows vulnerability, this shows bravery as well.
You are not only making up for what you’ve done wrong, but you are also teaching your children an important value that they will surely take with them as they grow.
Apologizing makes you a better parent and builds a better relationship between you and your child. So the next time you are faced with the situation, don’t hesitate to apologize.
Source:
Youth Ranch, Parenting, Empowering Parents, Romper, TFJCK, Kids Health, Washington Post, NY Times, Parents, AHA Parenting