How hard was PPD for you? Read this young mom’s battle with postpartum depression and anxiety and how she was able to overcome it.
What can you read in this article?
- Pregnancy experience that may have contributed to her PPD
- How having postpartum depression and anxiety affected a young mom
Getting pregnant at an early age was the most memorable thing I’ve ever experienced.
People were judging me because of what they thought could happen to my life in the future. Everywhere I go, there were people gossiping about me, yet I don’t even bother myself to stop them from doing so.
At the start of my pregnancy, I had a hard time dealing with morning sickness. I started losing weight and whatever I eat, I just throw up. I stopped going to school because I needed to rest. I was always tired and sleepy, and my cravings were too much that I cry every time I wanted to eat something. My emotions were too difficult to handle, to the point that they stressed my partner out.
Feeling alone during pregnancy
Unlike other moms-to-be, my pregnancy journey really took a toll on me. I just felt that everyone hated me and that no one else cared for me. That journey stressed me so bad that in my third trimester, I almost lost my precious gift, my baby. I cried a lot during that time, thinking about how stupid I was to put so much stress on my unborn baby.
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During that time, I just felt so alone. On the day I found out about the news of my threatened pregnancy, I was all by myself. I cried while walking to the pharmacy to buy some medicines that would help keep my baby, with no one there to console me. I never even bothered to tell anyone. I just went on doing everything that needs to be done even though my OB-gynecologist advised me to be on bed rest for a week.
You may think that I was trying to kill my baby, but no, I just didn’t want anyone to worry about my problems. I tried to take care of myself while doing chores that were just really simple and not too hard for me. Because they didn’t know about my condition, the rest of the people in my household kept asking me to do some things that they thought wouldn’t affect my baby. And since my emotions were not in a good place during my pregnancy, I obliged, feeling guilty for lying around doing “nothing.”
I never resented them or anything. It was just my emotions that were putting me on edge. Imagine I was nearly in my 7th month of pregnancy and things were already too much for me. How much more in the coming months?
The difficult delivery
Fast forward to the time I was about to deliver my baby. The past months weren’t good, but we still made it to that point. I was so thankful to God. However, I never anticipated that giving birth would be so hard, it almost took my breath away – literally.
When I was in labor, my oxygen level fell and I experienced difficulty in breathing. I didn’t have anyone with me in the delivery room – it was just me and three nurses. My sister and father were in the waiting room, and we didn’t tell my partner that I was giving birth that day because of a tradition that we had in our family.
I was so agitated that when the nurse tried to put the oxygen mask on me, I tugged at her clothes, and I think I almost choked her and I’m really sorry for that. It was so embarrassing. I had a normal delivery so while I was pushing, everything just looked blurry.
It was hard to breathe and I didn’t know if I was doing it right, but I just kept pushing while one of the nurses monitored my pulse and kept reminding me to relax and stay calm. I never thought having asthma could be a burden to having a normal delivery, but at least we survived.
At October 7, 2018, just five minutes before midnight, my baby was born. He was so cute, chubby and long.
Dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety
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I thought the rollercoaster of emotions would end after I give birth. But it didn’t, and another cycle started because I had postpartum depression.
They say that postpartum depression happens to a lot of women after they give birth, but I felt like I was in it deeper because I also had anxiety. It even came to a point that I thought of taking my own life.
Have you also felt the same thing, that you feel empty, and alone, that no one else was there for you? I felt like such a failure because I couldn’t control my feelings, and I started doubting myself – like I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s terrifying that even at night, I felt deaf to my baby’s cries because I just heard myself crying all the time.
I thought that episode of my life would never end, but somehow it did.
READ MORE:
Mom Confession: “My anxiety came back when I became a stay-at-home mom.”
Mom confessions: “Sinabi ng nanay ko na kaartehan lang ang postpartum depression ko.”
A year has passed, and I began to work on loving myself more and taking control of my emotions. There are still times when I would get depressed, but it wasn’t much of a burden anymore.
I learned to accept myself as a mother, tried different hobbies. I tried to steer clear of anxious, doubtful thoughts and instead focused on positive thoughts that excite me. That helped me overcome my fear and depression.
I put up an online business and also decided to pursue my studies again and attend online classes. There are still things that come and try to break me, but I’ve grown, not just as a mom but as a person who is braver to take on whatever circumstances that come my way. I just needed to believe in myself.
Having postpartum depression was a debilitating part of my life. But as it did in other moms, it would make you stronger one day. Just believe in what you can do, focus on the things that you think are good for you and everything will go by in a very smooth way.
Now I’m a 1st-year college student and a mom. Who would think that my experiences will lead me here? But I know that God’s plan will always be the best. That experience was unforgettable and remarkable, also a hard part of my life, but if anything, it helped me become the person I am today.