Whenever you fight with your spouse, are you noticing recurring patterns? Fighting about the same thing over and over again can make issues even more frustrating.
We previously shared some marriage advice from celebrity couple Maricar Reyes and Richard Poon, who shared the importance of keeping yourself from raising your voice when upset, even if you’re 100% sure you are correct.
“If you feel you’re right, you feel you have the right to say it in whatever way you want.” said actress Maricar, who is also a licensed doctor, in an ANC interview.
The couple, who’ve been married for four years, have also come up with a “Time-out technique” to use whenever one of them isn’t ready to have a discussion. This strategy, shares Richard, is helpful especially for Maricar, who is non-confrontational.
“If you really value your spouse, kailangan stop ka talaga,” he emphasized.
As a couple, it’s up to you to define how you can fight in a healthy, productive way, to strengthen your relationship in the process of resolving conflict.
Having the same fight over and over again can mean that you both need to settle an issue before you can move on.
photo: dreamstime
Over on community app theAsianparent Community, parents shared the top things they fight about as a couple.
“We squabble over the tiniest things! For me, I tend to get really angry, but after fighting it out, I forget the issue and things go back to normal,” shared Jamie K., who shared that the top three things she fights about with her husband are financial issues, housework, as well as tiny little things since they’re still newlyweds, who are adjusting to living under the same roof.
For mom of four Vanessa T., the top three causes of their arguments are money issues, housework, and their differing parenting styles. The same goes for mom Yen K. and dad Gino W.
For dad of one Koon L., he and his wife often fight about money, housework, and not spending enough time with each other.
Out of the 55 responses, many shared how they often argue about how in-laws interfere in their decisions. Other top issues were laziness and lack of ambition.
To read more of the responses of real couples, click here.
According to Psychology Today, there are three main reasons why couples keep having the same fights over and over again.
1. You (possibly) learned it from your parents
Though unintentional, your parents most likely passed on their fighting styles to you. They may have shown you how certain conflicts just can’t be resolved. Instead of striving for marital harmony, they’d keep dredging up past issues, even if it’s unrelated to the issue at hand.
Ask yourself the next time you get upset, “Am I mimicking my parents? What can I do to break out of bad habits and this harmful fighting style?”
2. Getting angry has become your defense mechanism
Some lash out when they feel they’re being attacked, subconsciously trying to protect their ego. They don’t want to appear vulnerable, so getting upset is their knee-jerk reaction, even if they’re fighting about the same things.
To deal with this, you must self-validate, advises Dr. Leon Seltzer, and remind yourself that your partner’s critique is not necessarily about you. It may be reflecting his own issues. Treat yourself kindly and try to rise above momentary heightened emotions. Step away if you need to.
3. Your core personalities keep clashing
Fighting about the same things may mean that your nature and beliefs aren’t always compatible. This is normal and it doesn’t mean you’re not meant to be together. It just means that you need to adjust and adapt to one another, compromising in order to resolve conflict in a healthy and mature way.
Sometimes, it best to agree to disagree and leave it at that. Not all issues need to be discussed or resolved, especially if it will only cause further frustration. Embrace your differences, but you should also know when to step back and approach an issue from a different angle, learning how to face future issues with a deeper understanding and love for each other, even when you don’t necessarily ‘like’ each other.