Usapang Mag-Asawa: This Is Why Paikot-Ikot Yung Argument Niyo

Do your arguments with your spouse feel paulit-ulit? Yung tipong umiinit lang ang ulo pero walang patutunguhan? You’re not alone.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist from the Gottman Institute, it’s not the presence of conflict that breaks a relationship—it’s the lack of healthy communication. When couples don’t feel heard, arguments become repetitive and emotional. One powerful tool that therapists use (and recommend to couples) is reflective listening.

What Is Reflective Listening?

Reflective listening is a simple technique where each partner takes turns fully listening, then repeating back what they understood—before responding. It helps both people feel heard and safe, even when they disagree.

Step-by-Step: How to Use Reflective Listening

1. Pick one person to start.
   Isa muna ang magsasalita—sharing their thoughts and feelings about the issue (insert argument here).
   Example: “Feeling ko hindi mo ako naiintindihan kapag pagod ako galing work.”

2. The other partner listens fully, then reflects back.
   “So you’re saying you feel unappreciated when I don’t acknowledge your exhaustion?”

3. Then switch roles.
   Now, the second person shares their side—without interruption.
   Example: “Ako rin kasi, minsan parang wala akong chance magpahinga pagkauwi ko.”

4. First speaker now reflects back what they heard.
   “So ang sinasabi mo, parang feeling mo na-overwhelm ka rin, at gusto mo rin ng pahinga.”

✅ Where to insert the argument:
Pick a real issue you often argue about—like chores, finances, parenting, or screen time. Use reflective listening to talk about that issue without spiraling into blame or defense.

Even if you don’t agree, what matters is your partner knows you heard them.
Reflective listening helps de-escalate arguments and builds emotional trust.

Why It Works

The American Psychological Association explains that reflective listening lowers defensiveness and improves empathy. Couples move from reacting to relating—which makes resolution possible, even without full agreement.

Final Thought

Arguments don’t have to feel like a dead end.
You don’t have to agree on everything.
But you do have to hear each other.

Try reflective listening the next time you feel stuck in a paikot-ikot na usapan.
Baka ito na ‘yung kulang.

Sources:

• Gottman Institute. The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

• American Psychological Association. Communication Tips for Healthy Relationships