Mommies, do you find yourself always saying no to your child? You might be able to relate to Mommy Mika's story.
What can you read in this article?
- Saying NO to your child - why we fall into this trap
- How her son taught her a lesson on parenting, and about saying no.
“No, no, no!” I whispered to myself as I lay in bed wrapping my arms around my two boys. I just gave birth to my second child, my body was recovering and I was just getting used to having two kids.
Before, I thought I prepared myself for this — I attended seminars, read books, and did my own research but here I am still trying to figure out how to make this work.
What I only wanted is to be a mother that gave her children the right amount of love and attention, not favoring anyone but completely fair.
I went on with the days taking care of the two - changing diapers, giving baths, reading books, and putting each one to bed. Some days were easier than others but most days were TOUGH.
Getting louder and louder
“No, no, no!” I whispered to myself again, this couldn’t be. I thought I prepared myself for this. Slowly, these whispers were getting too loud in my head. I couldn’t keep it in any longer and finally, it came out…
“No...” That felt a little too soft. “No! NO!” Louder and louder it went.
Saying it made me feel good. Saying no to my child was the only way I knew how to control all the changes that were happening around us. So, I said it again and again and again!
“No, NO, NOOO!”
I was consumed by the comfort of this word knowing that somehow — even for a little while — I had everything in control.
Everything was going well until it was time to breastfeed the baby. I picked him up and sat up on the couch when my toddler suddenly jumps right in, shoves a book on my face, and says “Read a book for me!”
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Of course, I needed to be in control again, so I blurted out “No reading!” He paused and I thought to myself, “Oh, it worked again!” But then he went on and said,Positive Parenting – One mommy shares why this approach works for her kids
“No play dough here, no plates here, no spoon here, no books here….” Then he said it - “No place here, okay!”
“No place here, okay!” I felt the words ring in my ear as if I had completely failed as a mother. “No, no, no” I whispered to myself again. What was I doing? Have I completely missed out on this topic? I thought I prepared myself for this.
“No, NO, NOOO!”
I think that I got it all wrong. I think that we’ll never be prepared for this - that no matter how many seminars we attend and no matter how many books we read, parenting will always go beyond that.
Going beyond what we can control
Parenting goes beyond our will to control. It goes beyond our resistance to change, and what we think it should be. Parenting is all about the relationship you cultivate with your children and how this relationship cultivates them to grow into their most authentic selves.
Our children could truly be our best teachers and my son couldn’t have said it any better when he said, “No place here, okay!” I wasn’t creating a safe space for him to be himself.
I wasn’t listening to him and I wasn’t seeing him. I just kept saying “No!” and this limited him. It made him feel like he did not matter and his feelings weren’t important to me.
This is also probably why after some time of saying “No,” it seemed like he’s not listening to me anymore.
Understanding that the relationship is always two-way, no matter how young they may be, that if I wanted to be seen, I first need to see; that if I wanted to be understood, I first need to understand.
Parenting is about seeing our children, listening to their needs, and understanding them far beyond the actions they are projecting. This, I believe, is just their way of saying, “You’re not listening!” or “You don’t understand what’s going on!”
I can just imagine why my child said those words — I would’ve probably said the same thing if I wasn’t being seen, heard or understood, and limiting words such as “No” only shuts them out further.
This immediately blocks off the relationship we're building. This automatically says “What you want doesn’t matter” or “I don’t care about what you want.”
Now I realize that parenting simply is the conscious decision of turning our “No!” into a “Yes!”
“Yes, YES, YESSS!”
I finally have it figured out. That parenting is going beyond that “No!” It's going beyond our limited beliefs, beyond what we’ve always been used to and what’s comfortable.
Parenting is allowing our children to just be and be okay about it, is giving permission, and about saying “YES!”