Dental surgeon Melanie Chan (name changed), 32, has been married to her college sweetheart for over nine years. Although she describes her relationship as 'wonderful,' she says there is one problem. "My husband wants to share me sexually," she wrote, looking for answers.
In her letter Chan says that after one whole year of persuasion, she finally caved. "I decided to have sex with our common college friend. It wasn't special at all, but my husband was turned on by it. I try to understand this, but I fail to," Chan writes.
"Weirdly enough, this didn't stop there. We even had a swapping episode with another couple. I thought this would be the end. But he asked to persuade another friend of ours just months after this. I reluctantly did," says Chan who has two kids with her husband. She says that she is unable to understand why her husband wants to share her sexually.
"If it wasn't for my kids, I would've left. I don't see how my husband's desire to share me sexually is 'normal.' I want him to stop. What should I do?" she writes.
Share me sexually: Why wife-sharing is a man's problem!
Chan's case is a classic example of wife-sharing. Even though this practice often points at the wife's sexuality, in reality, it is likely to be all about a husband's (in some cases, perverse) desire.
In most cases, wives don't try to persuade their husbands to let them have sex with other men. Nor do they ask their husbands to choose another woman to share their bed with. This is because such acts can possibly destroy a marriage.
However, it doesn't mean this cannot happen. A fiercely independent woman can desire to be with another man, while married to one.
So then why do couples indulge in wife-sharing?
The answer could very well lie in how a woman is coerced into this practice, her husband's motivation to watch his wife with another man, and the factors that drive this motivation.
If you are also in Chan's position, this article is hereto help you understand why this happens. Let's begin with why a man would want to convince his wife to participate in this act.
1. To fulfill voyeuristic desires
Many men use pornography to satisfy their own voyeuristic desires. So if they use this as a way to spice up their sexual lives, it is possible that they also consider wife-sharing as normal.
The desire evolves from watching themselves in the mirror, to taping the act on camera, to finally watching their wives have sex with another man.
Even though a man might find his wife attractive, watching her with another man gives him voyeuristic pleasure just as it does when he is watching a pornographic film. Only in this situation he is watching his own wife.
This voyeuristic desire could very well be one of the biggest motivators to share a wife sexually.
2. To prove manhood
Watching their wives sleep with other men can also arouse some men. Author Christopher Ryan even suggests that the biological response to watching one's wife with somebody else triggers the male sexual drive.
This prompts them to better their own sexual lives within their marriages. Many might even have a reduced refractory window. This means that they ejaculate faster and within a shorter period of time.
3. To try the trill of a taboo
Many husbands persuade their wives to engage in this activity just to experience the thrill. Society often stigmatizes an unfaithful husband or wife.
Historically, if a wife is unfaithful, their husbands are often called less manly. Or they are even ridiculed.
But for some men, the thrill of trying something that is 'forbidden' or taboo is something to be desired.
4. To engage in bisexual desires
In many cases, male bisexuality is the reason behind wife-sharing. He might not be able to come clean about it, but he might want to enjoy it both ways. Most of this stems from insecurity.
Incidentally, wife-sharing is not just restricted to watching you with another man. It is possible that your husband wants to experience a threesome.
If a man is seen as anything but heterosexual, it can ruin his reputation. But behind closed doors, he can coerce his wife to fulfill his deepest fantasy. So if you're often wondering "Why does my husband want to share me sexually?" this could be it.
5. To hide shortcomings in bed
In some cases, the husband convinces his wife to sleep with somebody else because he cannot satisfy her. This could be because of an underlying health issue, impotence, age or other health complications.
Such men might feel more for their wife's loss of sexual satisfaction than the wives themselves. Prompted by this emotion, they might be willing to share their wives sexually with another man.
6. To enjoy masochism
In the early 19th century, Austrian writer and journalist Leopold von Sacher-Masoch became famous for his books on sexual flagellation. He wrote extensively about female dominance in the bedroom.
Although at the time the concept was too extreme, today many men use macochism as the motivation for sharing their wives sexually.
The idea of watching their wives dominating other men and belittling them for pleasure can be thrilling.
7. To make some cash
All over the world, men enjoy the luxuries that are bought by their partner's sexual exploits. While this may not be the primary motivator, it can become a factor to continue this foul play.
Sometimes men use wife-sharing as a tool to blackmail either the wife or the men they sleep with. Either way, this is a horrific thing to do. Unfortunately, it is very much prevalent in many parts of the world.
8. To enjoy misogyny
One of the reasons why your husband may be keen on sharing your sexually is because he wants to belittle you.
Misogyny is sadly one of the biggest motivators. And if you're often wondering, "Why does my husband want to share me sexually?" you might want to check the way he treats you.
You are perhaps giving him the freedom to degrade you by indulging in wife-sharing. Many such men want to humiliate their wives and that is proof enough of a deteriorating marriage.
Just as these aforementioned reasons explain why husbands enjoy wife-sharing, there are some reasons why a woman might enjoy it too. Let's take a look at her perspective as well.
Share me sexually, because I want to!
In some cases, a husband enjoys sharing his wife. In others, the wife enjoys the company of other men. This can happen in the following cases:
1. To prove female independence
When the wife wants to prove her sexual independence, she can convince her husband to share her sexually. Some couples love to embrace this concept and readily agree to threesomes and wife-swapping as well.
Such husbands enjoy their wives' increased assertiveness, sexual desire as well as independence and confidence. Some couples also find this thrilling as it takes on patriarchal society.
2. To have female sexual fulfillment
Sometimes a wife might convince her husband to share her sexually so she can satisfy herself better. It doesn't necessarily mean she is not satisfied with her husband. But it means that she wants to try something new to spice up her own marriage.
Some women can be highly sexual beings, which is not unnatural. And the act of wife-sharing gives them a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction, which of course their husband clearly agrees with.
A common fear that sometimes turns into a fantasy is catching the parter with somebody else. Some people translate that into reality, while others call it taboo. The point is that this happens quite often behind closed doors. But it brings out the quintessential issues in a marriage.
Sharing one's partner might not be the best solution to resolve marital issues. So if you're often wondering "Why does my husband want to share me sexually?" perhaps you may want to look deeper inside your marriage.
But as is always true, this is also a matter of 'to each his own!'
Source: Psychology Today
Also read: How do you view infidelity?
Republished with permission from: theAsianParent Singapore