Being a boy mom is so different now than it used to be. But don't worry moms, we're in this together. Let's start changing the story one day at a time by learning about things you should stop telling your sons and how to raise a boy to be a man in the 21st century.
What can you read in this article?
- How to raise sons who are strong but gentle
- How to raise respectful sons
- Tips for mom raising a son, according to age
Women empowerment, the #metoo movement, fighting gender discrimination – the world is changing.
Raising boys is now more complicated than in "the olden days." While it's so easy to tell our daughters, "You can be whoever you want to be, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." It's not that straightforward for sons.
Traditional masculinity has veered into toxic masculinity, and we as a society are now paying for it. Our generation or previous generations of men growing up not able to express their emotions, and having a "survival of the fittest" mentality where in order to succeed, you have to be the bully, use your strength to gain advantage over others.
"Somehow, as a society, we’ve come to believe this. That a boy will be bullied if he is not the bully. We’ve decided that this is how men will win, whether that be jobs, women, leadership. It doesn’t need to be that way,” said Sonora Jha, a mother and author of the book How to Raise a Feminist Son.
As children who experienced the pitfalls of this kind of thinking and upbringing, and now as parents who know better, it is up to us to change the narrative. We need to raise men who aren't afraid to get in touch with their emotions and use their strength to bring everybody up and level the playing field for everyone.
A large part of this change depends on you, moms, and how you raise your boys. Let's start with the things you should stop telling your sons.
10 things to stop telling your sons
1. "Act tough."
A lot of people think of men as tough, and women, emotional. That's why you often see dads telling their sons to "suck it up" or "act tough."
However, the truth couldn't be any more different. It's totally normal for some men to be sensitive, while some women are tough. People are just inherently different, and it has nothing to do with gender whatsoever.
2. "You're acting like a girl."
What does it mean to "act like a girl?" If you think really hard about it, young boys and girls essentially have the same traits, habits, and interests.
Telling your son that he's "acting like a girl" is also usually said as an insult. But there's nothing wrong with being a girl.
As parents, it's important to teach equality to children at a very young age, and not make their children think that one gender is superior to the other.
3. "You need to be more manly."
What does being "a man" mean? For the most part, it means that boys should grow up to fit the stereotype of a traditional man.
But these days, there's really no such thing. Men come in all shapes and sizes, each with their own unique personalities. Instead, teach your son to embrace himself and to be proud of who he is.
4. "You have to be big and strong."
Again, this one plays to the stereotype of the "big and strong" man. Honestly, not all men are big and strong – that depends on their genes mostly. Parents should be proud of their sons no matter what, and not force them to adhere to an outdated stereotype of what men should be.
5. "That's not something for boys."
You usually hear this when little boys start playing with "girl" toys. But what is wrong with young boys playing with dolls? Or cooking sets for that matter?
Toys are toys, and kids love to play. It doesn't matter if they're playing with action figures, or dolls, what matters is that kids are having fun and they're learning.
The same goes for clothes or colors. Whoever said that boys can't wear pink or the so-called "feminine" colors? If a little boy wants to wear a pink shirt, then who are we to stop them from doing so?
6. "Do you want people to think you're a girl?"
This is another thing that some parents tell their sons. And if you're one of those parents, then please, stop telling your sons this phrase.
There is nothing wrong with being a girl, and parents should steer clear of outdated notions of gender norms. Acceptance and understanding are what kids need, not judgment from their parents.
7. "Boys don't cry."
It's totally fine for boys to cry. If a young boy feels sad, then it's okay for them to express their feelings by crying. This is normal.
Validating a child's feelings is important, and crying is a way for them to be in touch with their emotions. And parents should always validate their child's feelings.
8. "This will turn you into a man."
The only thing that turns boys into men is the natural process of growing up. There's no prescribed behavior that makes a boy into a man. Saying this phrase would only make kids feel bad about themselves if they don't live up to what a "man" should be.
9. "Boys will be boys"
Telling kids that "boys will be boys" is basically teaching young men to not be responsible for their actions.
How to raise a boy to be a gentleman? One of the first steps to not let him have a free pass for doing rough and rowdy things just because he is a boy.
If a boy does something wrong, don't let it pass because "boys will be boys." It only creates a culture that allows men to do whatever they want, without any repercussions or responsibility.
10. "Are you a girl?"
Stop telling your sons this phrase. This makes it seem that being a girl is a bad thing when in reality it's not.
Not only does this degrade your son, but it also degrades women in general. Calling someone a girl should never ever be an insult.
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Tips for raising sons according to age
While being aware of how we talk to our child can have a powerful impact on teaching our child about gender equality, they are not enough to fully break down gender norms that have been around for centuries. But again, the responsibility falls on us parents to guide our boys into becoming good men. An article in Good Housekeeping gives expect-backed tips to foster and support boys according to their age. Let's start with these simple tips:Toddler Years
- Avoid gender stereotypes. Offer a variety of toys as your child grows, even if they're typically considered to be for girls. Avoid labeling things as only for boys or only for girls.
You and your spouse can also set a good example by taking turns doing so-called feminine and masculine household tasks. Let him see dad cook or iron the clothes, while you take the garbage out or fix the sink.
- Teach boundaries. It's never too early to teach your child about consent. Let him know that he has the right to determine who can touch his body, along with when and how. That includes rallying the family members, even grandparents, to ask permission before expressing physical affection. If he refuses, don't force it.
Age 5-10
- Prevent feelings of superiority. If your child has sisters, then it's easy for him to see that what he does, his sisters can do too, sometimes even better. If he doesn't have siblings, let him spend time with cousins or encourage mix-gender friendships. Moreover, remind your son that bullying is never okay.
- Encourage emotions. As mentioned earlier, refrain from words that limit your son's ability to express his feelings. Let him cry if he wants to, or teach him to express his anger or frustration in a positive way.
Ages 11 to 13
- Foster healthy interactions. This age is a good time to explain to your boy that unwanted or inappropriate sexual comments, jokes, or gestures — towards girls or other genders — are never okay. Listen intently to what your child is telling you, and if something seems amiss, ask him if he really understood what that means.
It's also the time when your son starts having crushes, so discuss appropriate ways to talk to the opposite sex and get their attention, and model what a healthy relationship looks like.
- Tame "tough guy" behavior. Limit the amount of violence your son is exposed to, and remind him that while anger and frustration are normal feelings, there are ways to express them without being violent or aggressive.
Make sure not to promote toxic masculinity in your family, and limit your son's exposure to relatives who still subscribe to that backwards belief. If it is impossible to do that, always talk to your child and tell him that it's wrong or oppressive. Instead, find good male role models that your child can look up to and hopefully, his dad is one of them.
Teenagers and up
- Be explicit about consent. Even if you taught your boy about boundaries and consent when he was young, you still need to have "the talk" with your child about sex, just so you know he's aware of what he's supposed and not supposed to do as a man.
- Stay engaged. It's easy for teenagers to conform to what their peers believe in, even if its wrong. So touch base with your son regularly. Maintaining that one-on-one connection is important to continue helping him navigate any issues he will encounter as he approaches manhood.
Remember, these are tough times we live in. But instead of raising our sons to be touch, egotistic machos, we can teach them the value of kindness, gentleness, and empathy. As parents, it's up to us to raise real men - men who are loving and compassionate who knows how to use their strength for good.
Republished with permission from theAsianParent Singapore.