You’re in bed with your spouse, and things are starting to heat up. You are thrilled by their touch and are aroused by foreplay, but just when you’re in the thick of intimacy a face pops up in your mind and then you start to imagine you’re doing with this person. Suddenly, you feel guilty and your focus shifts from your partner who loves you, to a person you’re attracted to. It could be a celebrity or a co-worker; whoever it is, thinking about them while you’re intimate has left you feeling like you’ve betrayed them.
According to Bustle, a recent survey in the UK found that 42% of men and 46% of women admitted to thinking about someone else during sex.
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The first step is not to put pressure on yourself or your partner to be attracted to you alone…
Based on the experiences of couples who’ve sought his help, clinical Psychologist Seth Meyers shares that the root of their issue with fantasizing about others during sex is jealousy.
How can couples approach this together?
First, advises Dr. Meyers, couples must accept that they can never totally meet each other’s needs, be it sexual or not. It’s even healthy to fantasize, he assures in an article on Psychology Today. So the first step is not to put pressure on yourself or your partner to be attracted to you alone.
But when this happens regularly, then this becomes a cause for concern, and it could be a sign of a deeper problem. It could be a “coping mechanism” or a projection of unfulfilled needs that go beyond the bedroom. Ask yourself: Do I have unresolved feelings, wants, desires that are not being met? Do I believe they would be meet by someone like my “fantasy person” and not my spouse?
Communicate with your spouse to get to the root of your problem, says Newlyweds.com.
While it’s important to accept that this happens once in a while, it’s also dangerous to be too lax, allowing yourself to fantasize without addressing the cause of your problem.
The best way to stop? Is making a habit of holding yourself accountable. Don’t downplay constant fantasizing as harmless because, when left unchecked, it could form unfaithful habits and lead you down a dangerous road.
Confronting these issues early on is an important part of making sure your relationship remains strong and healthy and it will make sex all the more guilt-free and satisfying.
Think of it this way: if your partner was thinking of someone else during sex, how would it make you feel?
READ: The Top 5 sexual fantasies that married men have
sources: Psychology Today, Bustle, Newlyweds.com