7 common MISTAKES that makes your child's tantrums worse

Is your little one having a meltdown? Here’s how to deal with toddler tantrums that make it stop, not worse.

In this article, you’ll read:

• Common mistakes that parents make when their child is having tantrums
• How to deal with toddler tantrums while it’s happening and after

There’s one word that strikes fear into the heart of any toddler-raising parent: a tantrum! We all go through the stage where we have to handle the terrible twos and threes, where our precious tots morph into uncontrollable balls of pure fury.

From being sweet, clingy little beings, they suddenly transform into this kid who whines, cries, kicks, and screams when things don’t go their way, or sometimes, for reasons we can’t even understand.

But while these tantrums seem like an actual nightmare for any stressed-out parent, this behavior is actually normal and expected for toddlers, who are still basic social concepts and testing out their independence.

In fact, it’s actually a sign that your child’s brain is developing. Deena Margolin, a clinical child therapist and half of the powerful duo Big Little Feelings on Instagram, said,

“As rough as tantrums are for our parents, they are a sign that your child’s development is on track. They’re a milestone.”

At this stage, your child’s brain is still developing the areas needed for impulse control, naming feelings and emotion, thinking, reasoning and logic.

Common mistakes that aggravate your child’s tantrums

While it’s all good for his brain development, we can’t deny the fact that our toddler’s meltdown can annoy us and stress us out. So much so that during these challenging times, we panic and do certain things that actually make our child’s behavior worse.

Remember, our kids take their cue from us, so how we react and what we do during the tantrum can affect what our child will do next and what he’ll actually learn from the situation.

To make it easier on yourself, here are a few things you might want to stop doing when your little one has his next meltdown.

1) Reasoning with your kid while he’s upset

Have you noticed that trying to reason with your wailing toddler just makes him scream louder? Kids in the midst of a meltdown can’t really handle logic, according to child psychiatrist Dr. Steven Dickstein. Explanation or persuasion just overloads him further—whatever you’re saying just doesn’t compute.

2) Losing your temper

Furthermore, when you notice he isn’t listening, your soothing voice probably gets louder and angrier in turn. This reinforces your toddler’s impression that screaming is the way to go when things aren’t working out — hey, the adults are doing it too!

Of course, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reason with your tot at all. The most effective time to do it is when both of you are calmer.

3) Ignoring your tot’s tantrum patterns

Yes, we know — sometimes it feels like your toddler erupts into a ball of screaming for no rhyme or reason. But in fact, the tantrums are more consistent than you think!

There are the attention tantrums, those your kids throw when they feel neglected — say you’re talking to a friend or on the phone. There are the I-want-something tantrums, which happen when your toddler sees a shiny toy. On the other end of the spectrum, there are the I-don’t-want-something tantrums, usually occurring when you give him a command he doesn’t like.

Without realizing that these different tantrums have different triggers, you might be reinforcing certain kinds of tantrums. For example, ignoring your child may correct those pesky I-want-something tantrums, but it may just worsen the attention ones. Once you’ve figured out your little one’s trigger patterns, you can start tailoring your approach!

4) Imposing a countdown

Which parent hasn’t done this? When playtime’s over, you tell your tots, “Okay, two minutes more, and you’ll have to stop.” By giving them a few minutes more fun, you hope it’ll prevent them from kicking up a fuss.

Surprisingly, this actually makes it more likely that your tots will have a meltdown! A study by the University of Washington found that when 1- to 5-year-olds were given a 2-minute countdown to put away their phones and laptops, the toddlers became more upset and less compliant.

The researchers also found the most common trigger for putting away devices to be a situational change, such as leaving the house. To capitalize on this, find simple ways to change up the situation. Getting your kids to move to another room or introducing a new activity can get them to comply more easily!

5) Giving in

This is a well-known mistake, but it still bears repeating. It’s oh-so-tempting to cave in and buy your kid that toy — anything to stop his screaming! Unfortunately, your precocious child now knows that tantrums are the golden ticket to getting what he wants.

“When we don’t hold that boundary, when we give in to what they want because we just want that tantrum to stop, two things happen: 1) we’ve confused them. We said there is no more, but now there’s more. What’s the truth? 2) We’ve taught them that if they tantrum hard enough, they may get what they want. This almost guarantees a longer, stronger tantrum next time,” says Margolin.

It’s easy to become overwhelmed in the heat of the moment, so try planning against it. Be clear about how you want to react if, for example, your toddler throws a fit in public. And get all your family members in on your plan, so that your kid can’t throw tantrums with dad or grandma if it doesn’t work with mom.

6) Dismissing tantrums too quickly

Psychologists say that tantrums are a normal response to anger during the terrible twos and threes. They are as normal, in fact, as a yawn is to tiredness! But dismissing them too quickly as normal may also prevent deeper issues from being addressed.

According to researchers at the Washington University School of Medicine, children who throw certain types of tantrums, like aggressive and prolonged tantrums, are at higher risk of disorders like ADHD.

And studies have shown that more than 75% of children who had severe temper outbursts also fit the profile for ADHD. While there’s definitely no reason to panic, don’t hesitate to bring up any concerns you have to a medical professional.

7)  Forgetting the tantrum after it’s over

So the storm has passed, and we’ve managed to come out of it unscathed. At this point, it’s so tempting to move on and forget it ever happened. However, doing this means passing on the opportunity to talk to your child about the situation when both of you are calm.

According to Dr. Tom Reimers, a child psychologist and expert on toddler behavior, a better strategy is once things have settled down, without any distractions around, talk to your child calmly about what happened and remind him that those behaviors are unacceptable.

Then, teach him some age-appropriate coping mechanisms like taking deep breaths, counting to 10 or hugging herself tightly.

After the tantrum, take some time to reconnect and reassure your child that everything is okay.

READ MORE: 

Toddler suddenly throwing tantrums? Here are 5 ways to deal with the terrible twos

10 parenting mistakes na nakakaapekto sa mental health ng bata

How do you discipline your child? One mom shares her failure and victories approach

How to deal with toddler tantrums

“So, if those things mentioned above are not recommended in stopping my child’s tantrums? What do I do then?”

According to Margolin and Kristen Gallant, parent coaches and toddler experts, here are some ways on how to handle tantrums in toddlers that will cut those meltdowns short and keep those episodes from happening again.

• Stay calm

“Stay incredibly calm. We know that’s hard and you’re not going to always get it right. But stay calm and let your calm be contagious. Because if we escalate or try to reason with a toddler, or if we negotiate with a toddler, we’re only going to make it worse,” said Gallant.

Remember, our child takes his cue from us, his parent. We need to teach our child about self-regulation (controlling his temper and emotions) and we need to model it to him.

• Okay the feeling

If we focus on our child’s behavior too much, he might feel invalidated. Instead, we empathize and talk through his feelings with him. This makes him feel seen, cared about, and understood and can stop the meltdown in its tracks.

Instead of escalating the situation, talk to your child in a calm voice and say something like, “I see that you’re upset. It’s okay.”

• Hold the boundary

Holding consistent, predictable boundaries lead to fewer meltdowns in the future. Toddlers may act like they want control, but in reality, they feel safest when things are consistent, predictable and that an adult is going to take care of the big things.

After letting him know that his feelings are okay or giving him a warm hug to soothe him, reinforce the boundary calmly. “Time to say bye-bye to the iPad. We will watch more tomorrow.”

• Shift to the yes

“Toddlers here no, no, no, all day long. So when you shift to the yes, you’re not only taking the focus away from that “no” and that boundary, but you’re also giving them a piece of age-appropriate power – something to control in their day,” said Gallant.

After giving your toddler the boundary, it’s time to hand him some power and let him feel that he has a say. Try something like, “We’re going outside now. Do you want to play with bubbles or do you want to run around? You choose.”

How to calm a tantruming child may feel hard, especially when you’re in that moment. But how you respond to it is key to stopping the tantrum or making it worse. So always remember to stay calm and reconnect with your child. Hang in there, mama! You can do it!

Republished with permission from The Indus Parent

Additional information by Camille Eusebio

Additional sources:

Big Little Feelings, Review Journal