Did you know, about 50% of all cheating spouses are the wives? And the numbers are increasing at an alarming rate!
Gone are the days when women were meek and docile. Welcome to the 21st century. Women of today know what they want, and aren’t afraid to get what they want.
But why do women have affairs? Is it simply because they can?
Let’s find out what the expert has to say. We approached Leonardo Talpo.
Leondardo specialises in marriage counselling. With 15 years of counselling experience in Singapore, a Social Science Master Degree in Counselling and being a certified NLP Master Practitioner, he’s got a lot to share!
1.The dreaded mobile phone
“He loved his mobile phone more than me. He stopped hugging me, caressing me or making me a priority for him.” Sounds familiar? The mobile phone seems to play a huge part in why women have affairs, says Leonardo.
Many women complain of their husbands continuously using What’s App even after office hours. Their husbands are busy replying to ‘work related’ messages until late in the evening, or even at night.
“At a certain point, I didn’t care anymore. I was just so sad everyday. Until I met this guy…”
This is something that Leonardo frequently hears from his clients.
2.All work and no play makes Jill a dull girl
See, even when talking to your bosses, if it’s always going to be like ticking a checklist of what’s done and not done, you’re going to loathe the sight of your boss eventually. Right?
Marriage is not a job that needs to be done! Conversations should not revolve around what the kids did and when you need to buy milk and eggs.
“He didn’t talk about us anymore. He didn’t share his life anymore. All we do is speak about children and the logistics of the house”. These are the common complaints from Leonardo’s clients.
Couples need to have real conversations that have nothing to do with kids and household logistics!
Leonardo states that many of the women are helpless. They have tried unsuccessfully to get their husbands to discuss the issues at hand. They have tried to get them to talk about ways to spice up the marriage. But to no avail.
And here’s the worst part. Indifference. Stonewalling. Women have affairs after many failed attempts at working things out with their husbands.
Some of them have even tried screaming at their husbands in a desperate attempt to provoke a reaction.
“I would have preferred him slapping me instead of his lost-face, powerless body language and cold-shoulders.”
And when all of this fails, one day out of the blue, they meet a guy…
You know the rest of the story.
3. Not the ONE for me
You might not have expected this but it is true. Some women have affairs because in spite of a voice inside telling them to say no when their man proposed, they went ahead.
“I knew from the beginning he was not the man I was looking for. But I didn’t listen to it. He was nice after all.” Leonardo has heard this one too many a time.
And what happens? Distance leads to more distance. The couple grows apart over time. Yes, this can happen to anyone but it’s more likely to happen when you didn’t even start with a strong force drawing you to your man.
Eventually, conversation becomes a rarity. The husband and wife spend their time doing their own things. Some even sleep in separate rooms.
Women have affairs when they feel that they no longer share anything in common with their partners.
The kids? Well, they are with the helper mostly.
“I was so bored until by coincidence one day I met this guy…”
A bored heart gets lonely. A lonely heart is often a wondering heart. Need we say more?
4.Too good may not be that good
Some people fall head over heels in love and get married because they can’t wait to spend their lives with that special someone. Others get married because they feel it’s a necessary phase of life that has to begin.
“I was getting old, already well into my 30s. I had to find someone to marry. Family pressure.”
Another major reason for women to have affairs is that they married someone who seemed to fit the bill.
He’s a nice guy. Everyone is happy with my choice. He’s decent. He takes care of the family. He has a stable job. He drives a nice car. He’s a good father. He’s perfect.
But maybe he’s too perfect. Maybe I need to disagree. Maybe I need some drama. Maybe I just need to feel something because right now I don’t feel anything.
Life goes on. He smiles, she smiles, they smile when everyone is around. Everything looks perfect from afar.
Little does he know that for a couple of years now, his wife has been with this guy…
Sometimes the truth does hurt.
5. Please put on the pants!
Now listen, not all women are control-freaks. Not all women like making all the decisions. Sometimes, all a woman wants is for the man to be the one wearing the pants in the house.
Leonardo comes across clients who complain about their husband’s lack of opinion. If the wife doesn’t make the call then nothing gets done! The husband almost never wants to have a say in running the household.
Women sometimes have affairs because they are tired of having to make all the decisions in the relationship!
Anything and whatever may not be the best way to run the family.
“Sometimes I felt as if I was dealing with a son and not with a husband. For the sake of the family’s harmony, I kept doing what I had to do.”
Having to bear the weight of the family on her frail shoulders is not every woman’s cup of tea. Many women find themselves frustrated, angry and eventually lonely.
And then along comes a man who is strong, assertive and sensitive all at once. The marriage is history after that.
Head to the next page for more information on why women have affairs.
6. An eye for an eye and the marriage goes blind
This one is a no-brainer. He cheated on me. And he justified his cheating by saying I didn’t care, I was too busy, I was too angry, I was too tired, I was too bossy.
Well yes, I was busy caring for the kids while you were busy ogling at other women. I didn’t seem to care because if I didn’t care about the groceries that needed stocking than who would?
I was tired staying up all night nursing a baby and caring for a sick kid. Meanwhile, you were up all night checking out 21-year-old girls on Instagram.
Yes I was angry because instead of sharing the responsibility of raising a family with me, you were sharing someone else’s bed!
Some men lack involvement in the family for no apparent reason. Some men lack involvement in the family because they are involved elsewhere.
And when the woman finds out, her whole world collapses. Because more often than not, a woman’s entire world is her family.
Cheating husbands are a huge reason women have affairs
Women have affairs because of their husband’s infidelity. They want to teach them a lesson and make them feel the same pain.
At times, these wives ensure that their husbands know about the affair. Leonardo adds that often they regret this as the aftermath leaves them at a loss of what to do.
7. Paradigm Shifts
Women have always had affairs, but why do Singaporean women have affairs more commonly now?
Women’s roles have changed. Women’s place in society has changed. Women are no longer martyrs. Education, exposure and the media have all played their part to evoke a greater sense of individualism in women.
Women are stronger, more assertive and financially independent. They are able to stand on their own feet.
Having said that, the core of a woman’s heart – the longing for love, acceptance and belonging, remains. And if they don’t find this in their marriage, they aren’t afraid to find it elsewhere.
It’s not to say that they actively go on a hunt for it. But when opportunity arises, why not? Women of this generation do not always feel a need to settle. If they aren’t happy, they make a change.
Social media and electronic devices have also increasingly shifted men’s attention. Tech junkies by nature, men love to spend time with their devices. And when attractive women seem to appear everywhere, it isn’t all that difficult for their eyes, and hearts to wonder.
Even if you take infidelity out of the equation, a man’s disconnect is a recipe for disaster in a marriage. Above and beyond all that a man provides, a woman needs emotional presence.
No woman wants a husband who chooses his devices over her!
What’s common?
From his experience as a marriage counsellor in Singapore, and of course being married himself, Leonardo notices these similar patterns in most women who have affairs.
- Lack of excitement in the bedroom. Monotony and the same old boring sex life is a no go.
- Women are ambitious creatures. They like moving forward and they want to move forward with their partners. Remember, still waters breed pestilence.
- Emotional immaturity. Those bawdy jokes and a callous attitude towards life may have been attractive to girls. But when they become women, they want a man who is wise and mature to lead the family with.
- I’m sure you’ve heard this enough. The inability to communicate effectively spells trouble in a marriage.
Women feel deprived of passion and intimacy due to these factors. That causes them to feel vulnerable and in need of a medicine.
Leonardo stated that as surprising as this sounds, many clients do say that they feel like they will die if nothing is done.
Almost all of his stories end with a client saying,
“And one day, almost by chance I met this guy…”
A married woman meets a married man, a divorced man or a single man with painful past love stories. Common ground is established.
Leonardo describes it as such:
It’s like throwing petrol in the fire. The connection will start rapidly. The sense of being understood, being acknowledged and feeling important again makes intimacy explode.
Suddenly, the boredom fades away. Her senses are fully ignited once again. Her world seems more colourful, more beautiful. The cycle of romance creeps in.
Finally, the princess finds her prince charming. A woman needs to feel more emotionally connected to be satisfied sexually. Now that that’s going well, the sex life is all charged up, albeit with a different man.
So here we are, in a new situation that seems ideal.
What does the expert have to say?
Here are some words of wisdom from the man who has seen it all.
Leonardo defines an affair as nothing more than an illusion of finding joy and love again. And because it is an illusion, he cautions that it’s better not to start it.
Of course, he expects you to rebut him with this common question:
What do you mean, are you saying I need to live an unhappy life until I die?
No. You most definitely don’t. You have better choices. He presents two such choices to you.
1. Time is of the essence
If you are unhappy in your marriage, don’t wait until you can’t take it anymore. If you need to shake the boat, do it now!
Seek help before it’s too late!
Afraid that your husband will leave you if you do? Well, if you don’t do anything about your marriage, it’s headed that way anyway.
And if you can’t sort your marriage out by yourselves, ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help. Seek counselling, seek therapy, do something. There is a lot at stake and an entire family is involved.
You may not be equipped with the right knowledge and skills to save your marriage so go looking for it if you must.
2. Separate, if you must
If you are 100% sure that you no longer care about your marriage and if you aren’t willing to work with your husband to re-design you marriage, then make your decision.
Once you’ve done that, you will have a more clear and objective mind when looking for a partner. This way, you avoid falling into a rebound relationship.
You will also feel more dignity in your new relationship. You will know that you are honest to yourself, your husband and your family. If you are confused, unsure of what to do or scared, once again, seek help!
On a concluding note, Leonardo wishes to stress to you that marriage is not just a feeling, it is a work in progress. As time goes by, the world, society, and people around you change. You and your husband are changing, evolving and growing individually.
Your relationship must grow as well!
The Asian Parent is pro family and we hope that you find this information useful. Understanding the triggers can help avert the possibility of an affair. Understanding it from both the husband and wife’s point of view is especially important.
Do share this information and help to save a marriage where possible!
References: https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/adultery-its-not-just-the-men
This article was originally published on theAsianparent Singapore