Are you unconsciously saying no to your child more often? How about doing the opposite for a change? Here’s why being a “Yes” parent has its benefits.
What can you read in this article?
- What’s the effect of always saying “No” to your child?
- How being a “YES” parent helps your relationship with your child
When the movie YES Day came out on Netflix a few months ago, kids around the world got excited with the concept of a “Yes Day,” or a full day where parents would just say yes to whatever they say (with some discussed boundaries, of course).
And this got me thinking, have we, as parents, been programmed to always say no so often that our children are actually thrilled at the thought of hearing more “yes” than no?
As you may have already realized, parenting is not a “one-size-fits-all” thing. As a parent, you don’t have to compare your family to others as yours is as unique as the rest of all the families in the world. It is up to YOU to raise your family because after all, it is you who knows them more and who knows what’s best for them.
What’s important though is to know how your parenting style can affect your child’s growth and development, and relationship with you and the rest of your family.
One particular parenting philosophy is saying yes to everything your child asks for unless there is a valid and good reason not to. But how do you do it, exactly? How do you know when it’s time to say no and when to say yes?
As parents, nothing is more important to us than the safety and happiness of our children. We want the best for them and will do whatever it takes to give them a good life. But what does it take to become a YES parent?
What’s wrong with saying “No” to my child?
Saying No too much can lead to an understanding that your child cannot do what he or she wants and that he or she is always bound by limitations and boundaries.
This also limits the conversation between you and your child. With saying no immediately, there would be no room for discussion and negotiation on why some things are allowed and otherwise.
Lastly, saying no too often might trigger your child to stop asking, assuming that you would say no when they ask.
In fact, according to studies, parents say “No” more than 400 times every day on average.
“Toddlers hear no all day long. It’s exhausting for to them hear “no,” “don’t,” “stop” all day long too. They get worn down, just like we do. And when they’re worn down, guess what their breaking point looks like? Absolute chaos,” says parenting coaches Little Big Feelings on Instagram.
But sometimes, saying no too often leads to our children tuning out every time they hear the word until it finally loses its meaning.
For this reason, it may be time to adopt a new style of communicating with our kids – by focusing on the yes.
What is yes parenting all about?
YES parenting emerged from the notion that parents – by nature – are always saying no to the requests of their children. This style of parenting encourages a child’s independence, creativity, and curiosity.
Being a YES parent provides children with the freedom to discover and explore the world the way they want to. This comes with understanding the repercussions of their choices and decisions without endangering themselves or others.
Children raised by YES parents are encouraged to not be afraid to attempt new things or make mistakes. Making mistakes is natural and shouldn’t be frowned upon as long as you learn from them and that you are responsible for its consequences.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could educate your child on what they can and can’t do without having to say no all of the time?
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Why you should say YES more often
Want to raise a brave kid? Empower them with your reassurance. With YES parents, children are encouraged to conquer and discover the world on their own. It empowers them that they can take on whatever they want and that they can be whoever and whatever they want to be. Motivates them to become more independent as they grow.
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Strengthens family ties and builds a trusting relationship.
When you say yes to your child’s request, the likelihood of your child concealing something from you decreases. You won’t need to spy on them to figure out what they’re up to, and they won’t have to hide things from you because you’re always saying no.
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It encourages creative thinking.
Children are born curious and should not be enclosed in a box. For example, saying yes to your child using nail polish to paint her bedroom walls gives her freedom to express herself through art and creativity.
Such strong reasons to adapt Yes parenting. However, we also need to be reminded that meeting a child’s needs is different from spoiling them. According to Urban Child Institute, a spoiled child is defined as one who is used to getting whatever she wants – and prone to throw temper tantrums when she doesn’t.
So while it’s not bad to say yes more often, there are several instances and situations where we really should put down the N word – our NO and mean it.
When is it bad to say yes?
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When a child is becoming destructive and violent.
It is not responsible parenting when you say yes to everything, including activities that may put your children in danger. Thus, it is important to explain to your child how some things are not good for them, in a positive, “YES parent” style.
According to Dr. Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist and renowned parenting coach, our children should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings. Boundaries include things or rules that we have set for their own safety and security, including doing things that are not safe for them and may hurt others. So, these violent behaviors always get a NO.
For aggressive behavior, instead of making a request such as “Please stop pulling your sister’s hair,” you should strive to embody your authority by being very firm. Say, “I won’t let you pull your sister’s hair.” However, as Dr. Becky adds,
“Some behaviors get a NO, all feelings get a YES.”
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It can make kids self-centered.
One can’t always get his or her way and it’s normal! Children should always be reminded to be considerate and sensitive of their decisions especially when it involves or affects other people. It’s okay for us parents to hold our boundaries while reassuring our children that they are seen. For example, we say:
“I know you want to play outside today. But we can’t because it’s raining and you might get sick. I know it makes you feel sad. I would be sad too. But I want us to be safe. Let’s try again tomorrow.”
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Children may not handle rejection very well.
If a child is used to saying yes to and is not properly taught why things are permitted and not, a child may grow not handling rejection very well.
For example, a child won’t know what to say when a teacher says what he or she wants to do is not allowed. Thus, a child must be educated on why some things are not allowed so he or she can also learn how to navigate in situations where what they want may not be allowed.
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If I become a YES parent, can I not say “No” to my child?
As shown in the examples above, YES parenting does not mean that parents cannot say no to their kids. YES parents say no too, but in a way that one doesn’t focus on the no, but instead on the yes. They redirect and rephrase these statements in a way that their child understands that they can’t do it.
Sometimes, parents show alternatives to their child’s requests. This then diverts a child to do a different thing without being rejected.
For example, if your child wants to go to the park, instead of saying “No” you can say “Yes, that sounds an exciting date but we can go on a warmer day.” For when you want your child to quiet down, you can say “Inside voice, please,” instead of saying “Stop yelling.”
How to become an effective YES parent
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It’s not always easy or convenient to become a YES Parent, but it’s well worth the effort. Your goal is to raise your child to be creative, independent, and confident and is aware of boundaries and consequences. Be intentional about raising your child as a YES parent.
However, becoming a YES parent is not for everyone. As with other parenting styles, not every approach is right for everyone. Thus, it takes a great deal of trial and error, to see if it’s beneficial to your children and your family or not. It is you who knows best. This is just meant to be a guide for parents who want to try being a YES parent to their kids.
Sources:
Times of India, Psychology Today, Very Well Family