In many Filipino families, there’s a strong sense of unity and togetherness, but buried beneath the surface can be patterns of behavior that leave lasting marks on our children. These are not just minor disagreements or misunderstandings—they’re deeply ingrained habits passed down through generations, often rooted in historical and cultural contexts. If you’ve ever heard phrases like “Wala kang kwentang anak” or “Buti pa si [insert other kid’s name],” you might recognize the sting of words that linger long after they’ve been spoken. As parents today, we have the power to address these toxic behaviors and prevent them from becoming part of our children’s lives.
The Shadows of Our Past
Generational trauma isn’t just a buzzword—it’s a real phenomenon where the echoes of past experiences and cultural norms shape our parenting styles and family dynamics. For many Filipinos, this means carrying the weight of historical events and societal pressures into our homes, influencing how we raise our children. Understanding this can be the first step in breaking the cycle and creating a healthier environment for our families.
In partnership with Beacon, the premier mental health platform for Filipino families, we delve into the complexities of addressing and overcoming generational trauma. We consulted Katrina Vandenbroeck, RPsy., Clinical Advisor at Beacon, whose deep expertise in mental health and cultural understanding offers invaluable insights. Her guidance is pivotal in helping us adopt effective strategies for creating a supportive environment and breaking detrimental family patterns. Katrina highlights, “Generational trauma can be recognized by signs such as emotional dysregulation, strained relationships, unexplained anxiety, substance abuse, unexplained physical ailments, and repeating behaviors that mirror past traumas.”
Toxic Behaviors We Might Recognize
Identifying and understanding the harmful patterns we experienced from our own parents is essential to breaking the cycle for our children. Katrina Vandenbroeck offers valuable advice on this journey: “It’s important to find an approach that resonates with you, so be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work to unlearn old habits and develop new ways of thinking and coping. Experiment with different techniques to discover what works best for you. Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all solution; it’s about finding what suits your unique needs.”
To help you on this path, here are some common toxic phrases and scenarios many of us may recognize, along with healthier, more supportive alternatives:
- “Wala kang kwentang anak.” (You’re a worthless child.)
- Toxic Impact: This statement can severely damage a child’s self-esteem and sense of worth.
- Positive Alternative: “I’m proud of you for trying your best. Let’s work together to find a solution.” This encourages effort and builds self-esteem.
- The impact of such negative reinforcement is profound. It can create a lasting sense of inadequacy. Encouraging a child’s effort and providing constructive feedback helps them develop resilience and self-worth.
- “Sumasagot ka na, baka nakakalimutan mo kami nagpapakain sa’yo.” (You’re talking back, maybe you’ve forgotten that we’re the ones feeding you.)
- Toxic Impact: This phrase can foster guilt and shame, discouraging open communication.
- Positive Alternative: “I understand that you have strong feelings about this. Let’s talk about what’s bothering you.” This promotes respectful dialogue and understanding.
- Open communication is essential. When children feel they can express their feelings without fear of reprimand, they are more likely to engage in healthy, constructive conversations.
- “Buti pa si [insert other kid’s name], ganito.” (At least [insert other kid’s name] is like this.)
- Toxic Impact: Comparing children to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.
- Positive Alternative: “I see that you’re working hard, and I appreciate your efforts. Let’s focus on your strengths and how you can continue to grow.” This fosters individual self-worth and motivation.
- Comparison only diminishes a child’s self-esteem. Highlighting their unique strengths and progress encourages a more positive self-image and personal growth.
- “Pag hindi mo ginawa ito, hindi ka na namin bibigyan ng ganito.” (If you don’t do this, we won’t give you this.)
- Toxic Impact: Using rewards and punishments as a means of control creates a transactional relationship.
- Positive Alternative: “Let’s talk about why this is important and how we can find a solution together.”
- Transactional relationships can undermine trust. Encouraging children to understand the reasoning behind expectations helps build mutual respect and collaboration, instead of compliance and fear.
- “Kaya ka hindi marunong kasi tamad ka.” (You’re not smart because you’re lazy.)
- Toxic Impact: Labeling a child as lazy can damage their motivation and self-image.
- Positive Alternative: “It looks like you’re having trouble with this. How can we approach it differently to make it easier for you?” Labeling behaviors as personal flaws rather than challenges to overcome can discourage effort. Supporting children in finding solutions fosters a growth mindset and perseverance.
- “Wala kang utang na loob.” (You have no gratitude.)
- Toxic Impact: This can create confusion about responsibilities and relationships, making children feel unappreciative.
- Positive Alternative: “I know you may not always see it, but we’re doing this because we care about you. Let’s discuss how we can better understand each other’s perspectives.” Fostering gratitude should come from understanding and empathy. Open discussions about family values and responsibilities help children develop a genuine sense of appreciation.
- “Ganyan ka lang palagi, walang pagbabago.” (You’re always like this, no change.)
- Toxic Impact: This can lead to feelings of hopelessness and frustration.
- Positive Alternative: “I’ve noticed some areas where you’re improving, and I’m here to help you with the rest. Let’s set some goals together.” This encourages progress and support. Recognizing improvements, even small ones, can motivate continued effort. Setting realistic goals and providing support helps children feel capable and valued.
- “Mag-aral ka ng mabuti o maghahanap ako ng ibang anak.” (Study hard or I’ll find another child.)
- Toxic Impact: Threatening to replace a child creates a fear of abandonment and anxiety.
- Positive Alternative: “I believe in your abilities and want to support you in doing your best. Let’s create a plan to help you succeed.” Using threats of replacement can cause significant anxiety. Providing encouragement and practical support helps children feel secure and motivated.
- “Huwag ka nang magrebelde, dahil hindi ka naman alam ang pinagdadaanan namin.” (Don’t rebel, you don’t know what we’re going through.)
- Toxic Impact: This invalidates a child’s feelings and discourages emotional expression.
- Positive Alternative: “I understand that you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s talk about what you’re experiencing and how we can address it together.” This validates feelings and fosters open communication.
- “Gawin mo ito o mawawala ang pagmamahal ko sa’yo.” (Do this or my love for you will disappear.)
- Toxic Impact: Using love as a bargaining chip creates a conditional sense of acceptance.
- Positive Alternative: “I love you no matter what. Let’s work together to find a solution that works for both of us.” This reinforces unconditional love and cooperation.
- “Pagsisisihan mo rin yan balang araw.” (You’ll regret this someday.)
- Toxic Impact: Instilling fear and anxiety about future consequences can hinder decision-making.
- Positive Alternative: “Let’s discuss the potential outcomes and make the best choice together. I’m here to guide you.” This encourages thoughtful decision-making and support.
- “Hindi ka na naman makikinig, kaya hindi ka makakaangat.” (You’re not listening again, so you’ll never succeed.)
- Toxic Impact: This can erode a child’s confidence and perseverance.
- Positive Alternative: “I see you’re having difficulty understanding this. How about we approach it from a different angle?” This supports persistence and growth. Supporting persistence involves adapting approaches to learning and understanding. Encouraging resilience helps children overcome challenges and develop confidence.
How to Break the Cycle
Transitioning from recognizing to addressing generational trauma can be tough. Katrina Vandenbroeck notes, “Breaking the cycle often brings feelings of guilt or defensiveness. It’s a shift from past patterns, requiring self-awareness, compassion, and grace. Seeking therapy or counseling offers a safe space to work through struggles and stay committed to change. Understanding your reasons and the impact of these patterns strengthens your resolve and guides those around you.”
To foster a healthier environment for our children, consider these practical steps:
- Educate and Reflect: Start by understanding the impact of these toxic behaviors on your own upbringing and how they might affect your children. Awareness is the first step toward change.
- Adopt Positive Parenting: Embrace parenting practices that focus on encouragement, empathy, and constructive dialogue. Create a home where children feel safe to express themselves and are valued for who they are.
- Seek Professional Help: Don’t hesitate to seek therapy or counseling to address unresolved trauma. Look for professionals who understand Filipino cultural contexts and can offer tailored support.
- Challenge Outdated Norms: Speak up against harmful cultural practices within your family and community. Promote healthier ways of interacting and set an example for others to follow.
- Build a Supportive Community: Engage with community programs that promote mental health and well-being. Strengthen connections with others who share a commitment to positive change.
Katrina Vandenbroeck stresses, “Self-awareness is key. We often don’t realize we’re passing on trauma because it’s not always visible. Getting feedback from those close to us—especially our children and family members—can reveal important patterns. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s essential to reflect on their observations. If you notice negative patterns or a lack of healthy relationships, it’s time for self-reflection. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if needed.”
Katrina Vandenbroeck, RPsy., Clinical Advisor at Beacon
She adds, “You can only control yourself. Breaking the cycle of trauma means understanding that you’re a work in progress, not striving for perfection. While old habits may resurface, modeling grace, compassion, and openness helps your child learn these healthy behaviors. Strengthen your family’s support system by identifying reliable adult role models for your child.”
Breaking generational trauma is challenging but rewarding. By addressing and changing inherited harmful behaviors, we can offer our children a legacy of love, respect, and emotional well-being. Let’s be the generation that transforms our family dynamics, allowing our children to thrive free from the shadows of the past.