Dear Calilah,
I try to picture how life will be when I have you in my arms while I sit here tonight. And I'll have to recall what life was like before you entered my world when that day comes.
My focus changes depending on whether I'm gazing forward or back. There will always be another baby in the picture when I fix my gaze on you.
You should know that there was another baby.
You obviously couldn't know, though. Your other sibling is still unknown to you. How were you able to learn about the baby who has now passed away? The one that was before you?
I also let go of a little more of the expectations and dreams I previously had for her. I can no longer carry dreams for all of you, no matter how hard I might try.
How will I inform you that there was the first baby? You'll never meet this person. The one I had to bid farewell to before saying hello to you. How do I make it clear that you two were so desired? And that I would want to hold you both in my arms, not simply hold you both in my heart if I could alter anything about the world.
One day, you could catch the distant expression on my face and the lone tear of nostalgia streaming down my cheek. This could happen when I enfold you in the fluffy, comfortable blanket we clung to after suffering a loss. Just for a split second, when I glance down at you and see our other baby turning to face us. When I rock your chair, your sister was in it before me.
When you are old enough to ask, what will I say to you?
Will I mention that my love for your sister made me love you more? Will you believe me when I say that for a while, it seemed as though nothing would ever be right in our world again? But then you appeared, and everything changed.
The baby I adored before you will always be in our memories. In my heart, there will always be a what-if. "I would like to say that you make our family complete, but I will never be completely complete. And neither one of us can change the situation.
But that does not imply that you are not enough. You are actually more than enough, Calilah. You are a baby rainbow. I appreciate you being here with me. Every day I give thanks to God for you and my other baby.
Lots of love,
Mama
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