“I had an abortion without telling my husband”

“I had an abortion without telling my husband”

Not all conceptions are a blessing. To some – even experienced mothers – it may be an impossible challenge; a let-down. We're all well aware of that priceless bond towards our child. We love our kids to bits and would do anything for their warm embrace. But what if "the accident" happens? How do we draw the line and tell our husbands, "3 is enough?" What if the only option is to keep it a secret?

Mothers who never wished for a second, third or fourth child often fall into a terrifying dilemma – "Should I do it, or not?; "Do I tell him about it, or shall I let it be?" Secret abortions are undeniably present in some marriages and in our society. This is the 21st century after all – where others tend to judge those who appear to be judgemental (ironically) when it comes to imperative issues such as abortion. Nonetheless, it is our duty to help mothers who have trouble dealing with unwanted pregnancy.

Who are we to judge?

Some of you might be going through this conundrum at the moment; is it right, is it wrong beyond comprehension? Here's my two cents: do what you feel is rightyour definition of right.

Let's take a look at some real life accounts of women who have done it, then hid it; and why they chose to make that decision alone.

"Told him it was a miscarriage" – *Ella

A few years ago, my husband persuaded me to go off birth control pills because he didn't think it was necessary. I knew deep inside he wanted me to get me pregnant and would really want another child. We even had sex without protection at times.

I regretted listening to him, because it happened. The one thing I dreaded happened. I got pregnant for the second time at 22. I was only 22. I got married young, didn't get to travel the world, and sacrificed my career aspirations the first time, I couldn't do it the second time. The cost of living isn't getting any lower too.

I eventually told him I was pregnant, hoping I could get him to understand how I truly feel about having a second child at 22. But of course, he was elated – told his entire family; including second cousins – and ignored my desperate attempts to reason.

I just felt it wasn't right for me to be pregnant at that time. I felt like I was stripped off of any options. I felt trapped, like someone else was controlling my life. I thought being honest would help – I was honest with him, told him why I didn't want the baby and why we should think about it first before telling the family. But he went behind my back and did it anyway. The pressure on me grew tenfold after everyone found out I was pregnant.

A week later I went to a women's clinic and got an abortion without telling anybody. I lied to my husband, told him it was a miscarriage. I felt it was the right thing to do. I wanted to do something for me for once. Believe me, the guilt will always be there. But I have no regrets.

More stories on the next page...

 "I was finally me again. I can't go back." – *Sarah

I had my first child ten years ago. He's all grown up now, can't deny, I love him to bits and at that moment the little pea in my belly was my blessing – still is 10 years later.

But within these 10 years, I have accomplished much more for myself than I ever imagined. I've gotten my body back (I was obese after giving birth to my son), I've relinquished in my new found freedom now that my son is all grown up and independent. I was back at work, I could go out with friends without having to worry if it's time for me to pump or if he's developing at a healthy pace.

Then I got pregnant again. I just couldn't go back. I was finally me again. I can't imagine going back, gaining all that weight and getting tied up all over again so I went to the doctor's alone to abort the baby without telling my husband.

"I'm just worn out..." – *Brenda

At that point of time I was 48 years old, with a 13 year old and a 2 year old running around the house and I was so done with having kids. I was tired and stressed out – I know 2 kids isn't so bad for most mothers but I can't take the additional financial and physical stress. I also felt that my relationship with my husband at that time was so so rocky I just knew a third child at 50 will drive us both insane so I went ahead with the abortion without consulting him or his consent. I felt that ultimately it was my decision to make, not anyone else's. I was just worn out.

Find out why some women see abortion as an option in the next page

Reasons why some women look at abortion as an option
  • Birth control (contraceptive) failure. Over half of all women who have an abortion used a contraceptive method during the month they became pregnant.
  • Inability to support or care for a child.
  • To end an unwanted pregnancy.
  • To prevent the birth of a child with birth defects or severe medical problems. Such defects are often unknown until routine second-trimester tests are done.
  • Pregnancy resulting from rape or incest.
  • Physical or mental conditions that endanger the woman's health if the pregnancy is continued.

To those who have done it, you might still be in shock; dumbfounded and appalled as to why you did it then hid it. Just know this – you made that decision – everything else that happens after that are ramifications; by-product of nature. Remind yourself that at that point of time, you wanted it because you felt it was the right thing to do. That's all that matters.

 

*Names are changed to maintain confidentiality

Republished with permission from: theAsianParent Malaysia

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