REAL STORIES: "I've been married for one year—and I'm still a virgin"
Does having sex bring you pain? Read this story of a woman who can't stand having sex and how she was able to overcome that difficult time in her life.
For most people, sex is pleasurable. Yet for some, it can be extremely painful. Read this story of a woman who can’t stand having sex and how she was able to overcome that difficult time in her life.
What can you read in this article?
- Virgin before marriage, and even a year after? What could be the reason?
- Why she can’t stand having sex and how she was able to overcome it
I have been married for almost 3 years now, got married in December 2018.
My story could be something that is not heard of, it is unique and probably something new for some of you. I got married as a virgin, never had any sexual contact with anybody ever since I was born.
When my husband and I got engaged, we talked about how we want things to be – what our plans were. Part of it is to have our first child a year after our wedding. One of the reasons is because want to enjoy our first year together – since everything is the first time for me.
Staying with my husband was quite new for me. When we were in a relationship, our interaction was limited to pleasantries. It was always “Hi,” “Hello,” “See you next week,” or after 2 weeks due to the distance.
Full disclosure before marriage
Before we got married, we discussed a lot of things that we thought would be better for us to know the answer even before we jump into marriage.
After all, it’s easier to break up an engagement than to break up a marriage. When you get married, you are to stay together forever – there’s no turning back!
My husband is a foreigner so, he asked me, “If the time comes for me to leave the Philippines, will you follow me to my home country?” I told him that if we are to be married, I will be like Ruth in the Bible (where my name is from) who said, “Where you go, I go and where you stay, I stay.”
I believe that marriage is sacred and holy, and no one should break that union apart. None of us would want to end up in divorce if things get tough, so we discussed every single thing that could possibly break our marriage apart. We talked about the possibility of not being able to have a child.
But we both believe in the verse Mark 10:9, which says “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” We were convinced with each other’s answers and we felt confident and secured with one another so we decided to take our relationship to the next level.
Because we planned to wait for a year to have a child, my husband and I were satisfied with seeing each other at home, giving each other hugs and kisses. We became close like we were siblings who are staying in one room, but we know we are more than that.
Despite not having any sexual relations, our connection was still undeniable. Coming home from work is always exciting and saying our goodbyes every morning is tough.
We love and respect each other so much that on the 8th month of our marriage, we both decided that we already want to start a family and have a child of our own.
We didn’t anticipate that it wouldn’t be that simple.
The unexpected setback
Because whenever we try to have sex, it seems like there’s no place for my husband to penetrate. The pain is just too intolerable that it’s as if he is hitting walls.
In February 2019, we decided to see an OB-Gynecologist and told her about my situation. She suggested longer foreplay, which we did, but it still didn’t work.
Sometimes, the foreplay has gone for hours already that I even lose myself in the process. But when he tries to get in, the pain will just be too severe that makes me shout and almost cry in agony.
We tried all possible methods that we can in order for us to have sex, but each time we try I bleed a little and the pain is just too much to bear. I just can’t stand having sex for some reason. We went to different doctors but all they can say is that we need more foreplay.
My sister-in-law thought we were having some challenges in conceiving and she told me that she is praying for us. We chose to keep the problem to ourselves and entrust God for what He alone can do.
At the same time, I admit I don’t feel comfortable talking about it because this seems unheard of. I never heard another couple meeting an OB-GYN just so they can have sex. It’s weird.
Can’t stand having sex: “Just bear the pain”
The few people I confided in told me, “Just bear the pain.” I tried but it’s really intolerable. My friends couldn’t believe my situation; some of them gave themselves to their boyfriends but their relationships ended.
Meanwhile, I have every right to enjoy it to the fullest, yet I am unable to. Honestly, I really want to enjoy it, but I am inadequate to contain the pain of that enjoyment.
Before 2019 ended, I gained all the courage and strength to talk about it. I decided to open up to my cousin who was married the same year that I did, and she told me that I am missing out on a lot.
She taught me some techniques and even jokingly told me that, “As a wife, you should behave like a prostitute at night to keep your husband busy,” which did not sit well with me. Other relatives told me that it was all in my head.
But it’s not. We have been to a psychologist, but they recommended the same thing. At one point, I felt like we were wasting resources.
I even told myself that if nothing will really work, it is best for me to give up. If he leaves me because of this, I will end up crying and that’s probably the end of it.
It’s been almost a year but we still haven’t had sex. It’s been bothering me a lot, but my husband was just cool about it. My family told me what I am doing is a ground for annulment.
They thought I am just making it up, but I’m not. I can’t stand having sex because to me the pain is intolerable. Whenever we try, I feel like I am being ripped open and cut into half forcefully.
I even searched online to see if there are people who have the same challenge as me, who can’t stand having sex, but I cannot find any. I saw a YouTube video about people around the world who were going through the same thing.
They talked about the remedies they did to be successful in having sexual intercourse, but there was a clincher – before you can find the answer, you need to pay to enroll in the course. I wasn’t even sure if it will work or not, so I decided to ignore it.
There are times when it feels like all hope is lost, but I still want to keep on searching, so I know that I tried and did my best.
Why some women can’t stand having sex
One time, I stumbled on a post on YouTube about a couple who was in the same situation. They have been to different doctors yet there is no one who can help them. Until they met with one therapist who suggested for them to use a dilator.
They also talked about a condition called vaginismus where women clench their pelvic floor muscles during penetration, making sexual intercourse impossible due to severe pain. It is said that it is unknown to women that they are doing it, it just happens, which is similar to my case.
There is a physical therapist who specializes in women’s health and can help treat “vaginismus and dyspareunia” which means painful intercourse, which normally goes hand in hand.
According to Web MD, vaginisimus is a condition when the muscles of a woman’s vagina squeeze or spasm involuntarily when something is entering it, like a tampon or a penis. It can range from mildly uncomfortable to quite painful.
The first kind of vaginisimus is called primary vaginisimus, described as when a woman has had pain every time something is inserted or enters their vagina, including a penis (penetrative sex). It’s also called lifelong vaginismus.
The most common symptom for this condition is painful sex or dyspareunia, which some women describe as a burning feeling or like the penis is “hitting a wall.” Other signs of vaginismus include fear of pain or sex and loss of sexual desire.
Doctors are unsure on exactly why vaginismus happens. It’s usually linked to anxiety or fear of having sex. But it’s not always clear which came first, the vaginismus or the anxiety.
Finding a breakthrough
I’m so grateful to have stumbled on that couple who boldly shared their story. If not for them I wouldn’t even figure out what is going on.
My OB said I refused to relax, and that is the reason for the difficulty, but it is not because of that; the pain is just too intolerable. None of the doctors I want to was able to tell me that there is something called vaginismus.
When I am alone, I feel so bad as if it is my fault and not knowing what I’m doing wrong. At times I question myself, why did I even get married?
So I told my husband about what I read online and he ordered the dilator from the US. I tried to use it as instructed, hoping it will give us a breakthrough, but it took time.
I started using the smallest size every night for 30 minutes on my private part to widen a little bit until we reached the desired size. It took a lot of patience and endurance on my part.
Finally, around February of 2020, we were able to break through and make love for the first time.
For those who are not aware of this condition, it happens. If men are reading this; if you think that your wife is just denying or depriving you of sexual pleasure, here’s your wake-up call.
This is experienced by few women and some of them were left by their husbands because their husbands thought that their wives are just trying to deny them of sexual pleasure.
Sex is an issue that needs to be dealt well in marriage and with maturity. Sex makes the union strong but it shouldn’t be the foundation of your relationship and above all else, God should be the foundation of your relationship.
Please do not judge those who are in the same shoe as I am. I came to the open because this topic is not always talked about, and, I thought I was the only one who had this problem.
I’ve been there and have conquered that challenge, and now I’m a mother. To anyone who is in the same shoes as I am, be strong. I know how painful and awkward it feels. Trust me, I’ve been there. Feeling alone and out of this world. Trying hard to do everything, yet nothing is working. Stay strong mommies!
To the husband of these wonderful wives out there, do not leave them on this journey. They are not trying to deprive you of anything. There are just some things that are way beyond our control and this is one of which, what we need is your love, support, and understanding. Please give it to us!