What to do when your child is jealous of the new baby? Moms of two or more kids, you can probably relate to Mom Crystal's story on how to navigate your child's emotions when there is an addition to the family.
In her story, you'll read:
- "My child is jealous of the new baby "- how to respond to it
- What she did to reach out to the older sibling
- Her learnings as a mom of two
Parenting is a challenging job.
Everything changes once you become a parent. When you have your first child, you go all out - taking photos of everything she does, celebrating her monthly milestone, taking note of all the firsts - her first nail cut, first haircut, first word, first tooth, first step to walk, and her first smile. She was the center of the universe.
Nothing beats the memories of having your first baby. But eventually, you will decide to have another one or more children, and because of that, you need to expand your heart as a mom or a parent.
But as your family grows, the dynamics also change. Can we really love each of our children equally? I know some parents have favorites. But how do they feel when other child knows or thinks that she has a favorite between them?
Not all children are open-minded, or can easily understand why one child gets more time or attention, which is why I think we should make it clear to them why it seems like that other sibling gets more favor or time than her, to avoid any misunderstandings.
My child is jealous of the new baby
When I became a mom, I realized a lot of things, especially when my second child was born.
My older child was happy and excited when she found out that she was having a baby sister. But there were times that she got jealous when her little sister came into the picture.
It wasn’t easy. I needed to take care of her little sister because she was still a baby and I was breastfeeding her, so my eldest somehow resented that and felt that I had no time for her anymore.
I knew she was also trying to adjust. She was used to having all my attention, so she must have felt bad when she wasn't getting a lot of time with me. But like a true Ate, she was very protective of the little one.
There were times that I was so guilty of spending less time with her. I felt bad when she wanted to have storytelling at bedtime but I couldn’t because I had to feed and carry her baby sister.
I felt sad when she saw that I was holding her little sis more than her. And it didn't help that I was so quick to get mad at her because she was already in her misbehaving toddler stage.
Sometimes we tend to forget or just ignore our children's emotions or behavior, which can lead to bad ideas forming in their heads. Because she didn't understand why I was spending more time with the baby, I would hear my eldest say:
“Ma lagi, na lang si baby ang inuuna mo."
“Mas marami 'yong kaniya sa akin kaunti lang."
“Ma, siya lang nilalaro mo."
"Ma, siya meron, ako wala. Hindi mo na ba ako love?"
It hurts every time I hear those words from her. But I learned that as a parent we must admit that we hurt our children, even though it was unintentional.
So when she's asleep, I would say sorry to her and whisper to her that I will always love her. But I realized that that wasn't enough. I needed to do something so that my daughter will not feel that way and my older child will not be jealous of the new baby.
How to treat your children equally?
So when it comes to giving fair treatment to my children, these are the steps that I took:
1. I make sure that I give them both equal amounts of food.
2. I make sure that I assist both of them when they need me.
3. I play with them both in a day or before we go to bed because that’s what makes them happy.
4. I attend to both of them when they are hurt. Even when someone is actually hurt and the other one just acts like she's also hurt (we all know that happens, moms), I care for her too.
5. I give both of them one-on-one quality time. I make sure I have time to play and bond separately with each of my children.
Because I know my first child misses the bond we had before, I make it a point to treat her the way I used to so she can feel that she is still loved, and not just her little sister.
To reassure her that my love for her never changed, I hug her more often, kiss her on the forehead, and tell her, "You are still my baby and I love both of you. Even when you get older, Mama will always be here to love you."
READ MORE:
Welcoming a new sibling: 10 tips on how to ease your firstborn on the arrival of the new baby
Planning for baby number 2? Find out what is the ideal age gap between siblings
My learnings as a mom of two
I also learned that we have to validate our child's feelings. We can't just ignore them and say that she's acting out.
Control every urge to get mad and yell. Communication is the key. Sometimes, they're feeling something but they don't know how to say or express it. So look at their behavior, and it will tell you if they're feeling happy or sad. Sometimes, they just want more bonding time with us.
If we grownups have days when we find it difficult to handle our emotions, what more with our kids? So when my daughter feels sad, I allow her to cry then afterward, I ask her about it so we can find a solution together.
Teaching your children how to share
The sibling dynamics also come into play when it comes to sharing. For instance, some days, my husband brings home food for my daughters, which really cheers them up. Sometimes, their father only brings home one pack, and I need to divide it among them. So I have to explain that I will divide the food equally to them, so both of them can have a share.
Keep explaining to them. Eventually, they will understand the concept of sharing and learn how to put each other's needs before their own.
I think every parent wants to give their best to each of their children to make them feel loved and happy. So make sure that you let them know you love them not just by saying I love you, but by showing them. “Action is better than words," as the cliche goes.
Our children need us to guide them as they grow, and we are their first role models, so we must show them how to be a good parents and how to love and care for others so they can pass it on to the next generation.