To the child I lost in a miscarriage: "We never met but I will always love you"
How can you love someone you've never met? I never believed this to be true. Now I know, the mere sound of your heartbeat had won mine forever. Even now, months after I lost you, I still dream about you.
The day I lost you, my world crumbled. It was like I lost a piece of my soul. I have always been living by faith, but at that moment, I honestly questioned God. Why did it have to be me? Why now? What did I do wrong?
Becoming a mom was one of my biggest dreams. So when it was snatched from me, I felt cheated. It was a silent injustice; it was something only I could understand. I was about to mark the 20th week of carrying you inside me when you or something inside me let go. I will never fully know why my body failed me, but I know I will never let go.
I find myself finding strength in the same faith I doubted and questioned. I take it one day at a time, finding comfort in the promise of better days and that nothing happens for a reason.
How can you love someone you’ve never met? I never believed this to be true. Now I know, the mere sound of your heartbeat had won mine forever. Even now, months after I lost you, I still dream about you. I’m past my supposed due date and on that day, it was like I lost you all over again.
I still wonder if you looked like me or your daddy. Would you grow up to be as funny as he is? I remember wishing you’d get his smile, but my loud laugh. I didn’t mind if you were a boy or a girl, really, I just loved that you were ours. You would be the combination of all our best traits–an angel, undeserved, wholly loved.
I wish I could hold you now and watch you grow, hitting all the milestones of life, but it’s just not meant to be. I wish I could show you what a wonderfully crazy world it is, one that would have been made more amazing if you were in it. You were always meant to be a beautiful possibility, but your life was not in vain. You taught us to love without seeing, and your absence has taught us to trust without knowing. It has deepened our faith. My child, please know that just because we are trying to recover that it means we are letting you go.
Know that you will always be my child. I will always be your mom. One day, I have faith that we will meet again. You were and will always be our angel.
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