When love is not enough: Breathing new life into your marriage

Have you ever thought that you’re not in love anymore in your marriage? How to be happy in an unhappy marriage and get back the spark in your marriage?

What can you read in this article?

• Why does the spark fades in a relationship
• How to be happy in an unhappy marriage
• Why is there no spark in my relationship – what to do?

“We all have times when we know we need new life in our marriage.  We feel the strain, the tension, the sameness, or possibly even the subtle decay in it,” wrote Stormie Omarthian in her book “The Power of a Praying Wife”.

All couples experience these periods of deadness. There are times when your marriage begins to feel stifling and incomplete.

Why does the spark fades in a relationship

Before we get into the secrets of reigniting the flame in your relationship, let us first determine what may have caused the feeling of deadness, and feeling as though there’s no more spark in a relationship.

1. Caring a little less, physically and mentally.

Sometimes, because we have reached a level of comfort in a relationship, we tend to let go and forget to take care of ourselves, physically and mentally.

In this case, we tend to have more toxic habits that may not just hurt ourselves but also our partners. We may gain weight or develop harmful behaviors such as drinking too much alcohol or exercising too little.

These habits aren’t only for the sake of convenience. They are frequently used to defend ourselves from prolonged closeness.

When we lose our self-esteem, we push our partners away and we weaken the foundation of the relationship.

2. We fall into a routine and forget how to share moments.

“You have to show up,” says psychologist Pat Love. Maintaining closeness necessitates slowing down and taking time to connect.

As the relationship grows old, we tend to fall into a routine. We lose the excitement of always putting fun and adventure in all the moments and experiences we share with our partners.

We become jaded and less eager to do activities with our partners as time goes on. It is critical to consider our partner’s passions and interests and to participate in activities that we both enjoy.

3. You have stopped having REAL conversations.

Real conversations involve getting to know your partner on a deeper level. It’s critical to be open with people we care about and open up about our life. We get to know them better by doing this.

Being open to your partner will also promote transparency and understanding as well as a strengthened relationship.

4. Keeping a grudge against your partner.

Are you harboring any anger or resentment against your partner? According to Psychology Today,

“When we get into the habit of swallowing our feelings and turning against our partner rather than stating how we feel, we are skating on thin ice. Even when we start to feel close, we will often be quick to become critical the minute our partner does something that rubs us the wrong way.”

Often, couples are trapped in a vicious cycle of tears and unhappiness because of these reasons. Of course, there could be more and it depends on every relationship.

When the spark has gone in a relationship, it’s not that the love is gone. It’s just that they have forgotten HOW to love each other. Sometimes love is not enough. The other half of the equation is showing your spouse that you love him or her.

How to be happy in an unhappy marriage

If you’re feeling that there’s no more spark in a relationship, it is a good time to reassess how you have been expressing your love for your spouse.  Have you gone out of your way recently to make that love felt?  Have you put in the effort to reawaken the passion in your marriage?

If you have not, then what better time to rekindle your marriage than as soon as you feel that the relationship is fading?  You can start by doing these simple and inexpensive things to make your loved one feel extra special:

7 tips to breathe new life into your marriage

1. Cook dinner for your spouse.

You don’t have to be a chef to prepare a good meal.  The simplest of meals, when cooked with love, can mean the world.  There is nothing that beats a lovingly prepared home-cooked meal.  And hey, you’ll still get a few good laughs if you actually do mess up in the kitchen.  At least you made an effort.  After all, it’s the thought that counts.

2. Give your spouse a nice, long massage.

A massage is a fabulous way to relax your significant other and make him/her feel loved.  It is soothing and it increases intimacy between husband and wife.  Choose essential oils that suit your needs, such as lavender for relaxation.

3. Go on a weekend getaway or plan an afternoon without the kids.

Let’s face it.  Couples who have children have less time and opportunities to be alone.  Spending a weekend or just an afternoon alone will give you the chance to catch up and get to know each other again.  Alone time is sure to remind you why you fell in love in the first place.

4. Watch a romantic movie together.

Cap the evening off with a romantic movie.  Dim the lights and cuddle up on that sofa.  Who knows?  You may not even finish the movie if things go as planned.  (Wink! Wink!)

5. Prepare a gift.

Buy a gift, or better yet, you can make a gift. Make a scrapbook of your years together. Write a poem. If you are in a long-distance relationship, order flowers to be delivered to your wife on a special day. Similarly, wives can send a package to their husbands too. That would definitely be sweet and cute!

6. Write short love notes and scatter them around the house.

Enumerate the things you love about your spouse. Talk about one trait per note.

Put a note in his shoes, or one in her purse.  Post notes on the refrigerator door, on the bedroom door, or on the bathroom mirror. You can even make it as a series of clues until he gets the final note.

Make it sweet but also creative and fun.

7. Take a shower together.

We all know that physical intimacy is a vital ingredient in making any marriage work.

So if taking a shower together helps you become more intimate, go for it! Just be extra careful! Things may get slippery in the bathroom.

Why is there no spark in my relationship – how to be happy in an unhappy marriage?

The book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerrichs, former senior pastor of East Lansing’s Trinity Church, amply sums up HOW husbands and wives feel most loved through the acronyms C-O-U-P-L-E and C-H-A-I-R-S.

According to Eggerichs, wives need:

1. Closeness.  She wants you, her husband, to be close.
2. Openness.  She wants you to open up to her.
3. Understanding.  She doesn’t want you to “fix her”.  She just wants you to listen.
4. Peacemaking.  She wants you to say, “I’m sorry.”
5. Loyalty.  She needs to know you’re committed.
6. Esteem.  She needs you to honor and cherish her.
7. Quite simply, women need unconditional love.

“Wives want connectivity”, wrote Eggerichs. When couples go through problems, women confront to connect.  She wants to repair the relationship by connecting with her husband. Husbands, however, tend to see this as a confrontation to control, making him feel like his wife is picking a fight.

Husbands, on the other hand, need:

1. Conquer.  Appreciate his desire to work and achieve.
2. Hierarchy.  Appreciate his desire to protect and provide.
3. Authority.  Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead.
4. Insight.  Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel.
5. Relationship.  Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.
6. Sexuality.  Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy.

“Wives do not need a lot of coaching on loving.  It is something God built into them, and they do it naturally.  However, they do need help with respect,” discussed Eggerrichs.

Eggerichs does not deny that unconditional respect is a cringe-worthy concept for most women. Respect, after all, is to be earned. However, Eggerichs stressed, “Giving your husband unconditional respect is a clear path to receiving unconditional love from him…”.

Marriage is a two-way street so learn to give in to each other. And during the difficult moments, when love is not enough, remember: C-O-U-P-L-E and C-H-A-I-R-S.