As parents, all we want is for our child to grow up as a kind and well-rounded person. However, we have different approaches to achieving this goal. Read Mommy Omalu's sharing and learn some tips on how to discipline your child.
What can you read in this article?
- Mommy Omalu's rules for her toddler
- Learn from their approach in recognizing failures and celebrating victories as a way to instill discipline in their child
We pull a classic Game of Thrones when it comes to disciplining our daughter, Catalina. With the gravest of offenses, she’s sent to the wall. Gracious of us to not let her live there; instead, she simply needs to complete 2 minutes of facing it.
My eldest is almost 3 years old and she’s out to conquer the world every day. We, on the other hand, are busy molding that world and painting it with different hues of kindness, hoping that one day, the decisions she would make will come from that place of goodness.
How to discipline your child - set house rules
What I’m about to share are not just the first three rules we established for our toddler and how she’s adjusting to them, but also where we faltered and where we’re at in improving ourselves as parents.
We’re clearly far from admirable but I want to share how we value our failures as one of the keys to success and how this can translate into a principle our children can live by.
Rule #1: No writing, drawing, or painting on (our current) walls.
It is our home, but not our house. We’re renting our space and while I’ve made an effort to give it our personal touch, we’ve always kept in mind that we need to take care of it more because it is somebody else’s.
So since our daughter is in the mine-mine-mine phase, we thought it fitting to start teaching her about ownership. How do we value what’s ours and respect what isn’t?
How we failed
Child: Of course, her still-developing sense of judgment and the wide white walls lure her into drawing again. Coming to terms with this helps us help Catalina develop her awareness of what she did – disobeying our rule -- was not nice.
Parents: Whenever we run out of patience and we’re hearing so much “no’s” from her, either we send her to the wall right away or we forcibly get the object she’s not supposed to be holding. I’ve yelled numerous times, which I hate because I also talk to her about maintaining a gentle tone.
How we improved
Child: The first sign of improvement was her expression of guilt when she was caught red-handed. With her knowing how to apologize, we remind her that it’s okay to make mistakes but we have to try not making the same ones again and again.
After three more instances and having to face punishment, she’s learned to ask for and need approval whenever she’s tempted to do the deed. She never received a yes but she hasn’t gone Banksy on our walls for at least 3 months now. Woohoo!
Parents: We offer Catalina different kinds of paper to work with. We also lengthened the time we spend drawing or painting with her. This is actually what taught us to start using “We do not do that” more as a reminder, rather than just saying “Don’t do that.”
Rule #2: No hurting.
If you ask her what our top rule is, this is going to be her answer. Now that she has a baby brother, we’re extra vigilant towards how she expresses gigil, frustration and anger.
How we failed
Child: When she’s unable to express herself and we don’t understand her, Catalina’s frustration can rile her up. Sometimes, she pounds on the floor or jumps on the bed angrily.
While we allow her to have her moment, it’s just never okay when she hits us. Again, she’s still growing her vocabulary and understanding her feelings so we get that this won’t change overnight.
Parents: We really, really need to work on patience, especially me. My husband is far more resilient when it comes to dealing with his own frustrations when our daughter resolves to physical hurt to release her dissatisfaction with what’s going on around her.
Most of the time, I just feel my time is more important than our child’s so I opt for shortcuts, which really are things that come out of impulse.
How we improved
Child: Since we don’t practice corporal punishment, she sees there’s really no point in causing someone else discomfort.
Catalina actually rarely resolves to hitting someone so what’s cool is lately, she manages her frustration by distracting herself with other things. She’s also responsive towards our suggestions and I love how she trusts our judgment.
Parent: I call on my husband for rescue (hahaha!). Seriously though, I’m still massively working on this department. It upsets me so easily when she goes the extra mile to inflict harm on anyone who does not give or do what she wants.
Whenever I’m less occupied with work, I take the time to explain what she might be feeling and why it doesn’t merit hurting others.
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Rule #3: Saying “Excuse me, Please and Thank You.”
How we failed
Child: Sometimes, the little girl forgets her manners. It happens when she’s eager to get something or have something done for her.
Parents: We forget to say them ourselves to her. My husband and I actually had a debate about when to include “Please” when we’re telling her something we ask her to do and when to assert command.
We haven’t gotten a final answer to that yet but because we typically also practice this to each other as husband and wife, we figured we can push our sense of authority in this context at a time when she’s able to understand that the rules aren’t just about being black or white.
How we improved
Child: We’re actually beyond proud of her knowing the purpose these phrases serve and that she uses them all the time! I can only attribute that to our daughter hearing how the adults in her home extend these gestures with each other.
How to discipline your child - explaining to your child, admitting your faults, and seeking to improve as a parent
By adults, I mean to include our children’s nannies who raise our children with us. It’s always been important for us that they support the parenting style we want to exercise. It’s also amazing that they agree we make decisions for the kids based on their individual personalities instead of adhering to only what we believe is right for them.
We really appreciate that because while my parents’ consistency in making me feel (over)loved is superb, they’re from a generation of parents who has no grey area between good and bad: it was either praise or punishment.
For instance, I remember how when I was in grade school, I was allowed a glass of soda only when I got grades above 90 (and well, I didn’t have a lot of soda).
Explaining things to a child also wasn’t a thing then, so I never really understood what went behind my parents’ thinking process. I’m laughing like a beast right now, because they don’t even remember that ridiculous policy!
But here my mom is reminding me of how I would ask sensitive questions to which she would often dismiss with, “Pray hard tonight for an answer.” And I’m the fool who did, every time.
There’s absolutely nothing I would have changed in their ways; but now that I’m a parent myself, I decided there’ll be changes in mine. So now, trust me when I say, I’ve never prayed harder. Only this time, perhaps, I know exactly what I’m asking for.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Omalu Camus is a mother to two unplanned but infinitely loved children. The sanity she has left after parenting these kids is spent running a cafe and working as a financial advisor.