Living with your extended family can be due to a number of reasons– from saving up for your own place, to keeping the grandparents company. Whatever the reason is, it’s completely normal and accepted in our culture, but it doesn’t mean that it’s always fun and easy for all those people living in the same space.
Here’s how to live in harmony and make the living arrangement work for you, your kids, and your extended family.
Set limits and utilize every space.
Charley, a 31-year old mother of three, says that when she and her family moved into her sister’s house in Australia, they found it difficult to adjust to the fact that they had to keep to their own space. “Realizing that we didn’t own the house, therefore had to learn that things around the house aren’t at our disposal, was a bitter pill to swallow, but swallow we did!”
If you and your family all live in one room or in one house within a compound, be clear with your children and your husband that you’re all responsible in keeping the your home clean and cared for. If there’s food that isn’t meant for sharing with the household, label it or keep it in a separate and labeled container.
Invest in home organizing furnishings to define spaces and to keep everyone’s things in their proper places.
Be considerate of everyone.
If there’s a sick family member, lend a helping hand. Margaret Chan*, 32-year old mother of 2 kids, transferred back to her mother’s home and brought her whole family with her when her mother needed someone to look after her. “She needs someone to supervise her kasambahay, to make sure she’s fed and her room is clean, and other things. We also wanted to get to be with her grandchildren since the doctors say it helps with her depression and dementia.”
Even if everyone is healthy and well in your house, being considerate with the use of electronics, or limiting the amount of time you spend in the bathroom, are great ways to show that you’re being considerate.
Agree on house rules.
If you and your family are the ones moving into someone’s home, ask them directly if there are any house rules to be followed. If your family members will be the ones who’ll live with you, communicate your house rules to them clearly.
Be mindful that more house rules will come up and will be amended when the situation calls for it. Charley recounts that they had to learn a lot of house rules. “I love my sister and her family dearly, but we still had to adjust to each other. My kids had to learn to share, haha!”
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Offer to pay for household expenses.
Filipinos often avoid talking about money, but it’s a necessary talk to have, especially with people who live together. Offer to pull your own weight, as what Kristine, 31-year old mother of 1, and her family does. “The biggest perk of living with other people is convenience. You don’t have to think about what food to prepare or to keep the house clean. We don’t pay rent, but we have our share of the household expenses.”
Assert your parenting boundaries.
When the grandparents are around, there’s bound to be a struggle when it comes to how you raise your children. Henny Trinidad*, a 36-year old mother of 2, says that there are times when she and her parents have different opinions about certain parenting matters.
“It’s sometimes hard to manage, that if we disagree, I try very hard that I don’t hurt their feelings. I try to communicate with them the reasons why do certain things a certain way. I just hope we are not confusing my daughter.” If the grandparents do something that’s inconsistent with how you want to raise your kids, set the grandparents aside and firmly (but calmly) inform them on how it must be done moving forward.
Step back a bit and give the grandparents their “second chance”.
Striking the balance between setting your parenting boundaries and learning when to step back is crucial, because most grandparents treat their time with the apos as their second chance to do the whole parenting thing right.
Henny says, “When my parents were young, they were very hardworking to the point that they didn’t really enjoy us—their children. We were practically raised by household help. I wanted them to feel that joy that one gets when spending time with children, and I know that they are very happy. In a way, time with the family is something they didn’t have back then.”
Clean as you go.
For the common areas like the kitchen or a shared bathroom, remember to tidy up as you go. If you have helpers, inform them that even if their priority is to help you and your family, they should also help out around the house when their schedule permits it.
Michelle Reyes*, a 30-year old mother of 2, says that they have to watch what they do within the house. “Even if I grew up there, it’s still my parents’ house, so we’re not free to do whatever we want with the house. We course through them all the decisions we make concerning the house.”
Read: 7 Perks of having Lolo & Lola babysitters
Have your own bonding time.
The common complaint of some family members is that people turn out to be “boarders” in their own home because they’re too busy to be in the house to do something other than to sleep and take a shower.
Carve a space out for all family members to be present and to spend time with each other. It doesn’t need to be long—a simple Sunday brunch is sometimes all it takes. Martine de Luna, a 36-year old mother of 2, likes that she gets to keep her mom company. “We decided to live in the empty house inside my parents’ compound to save on rent, so that we could start the businesses. I like that I am close to my mom. I also like that the kids have a chance to build a relationship with her.”
Be thankful for the “village”.
Martine continues to say that “One of the best perks is that on busy days, the kids can hop on over to the main house and stay with their lola while I work.” Henny agrees. “They say that it takes a village to raise a child. It’s very true in our case. She learns much with different people around; she learns how to share and communicate with extended family members. Also, since my husband and I both work, we can leave our daughter with her grandparents during the day and I feel secure that she’s with them rather than with the helpers only.”
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