“I can’t do it, mom.”
“I’m just not good at this, dad!”
When your kid starts showing signs of negative self-talk, how do you normally respond?
For most parents, the impulse would be to shower them with words of affirmation, hoping that they will start to believe in themselves as much as we believe in them. Although reassuring a frustrated kid is a natural parenting response, there are times when simply exclaiming “yes, you can do it!” just won’t cut it.
I remember my 9-year-old nephew, who was left in my care, telling me one day how he thinks he can’t help set up the decorations for or family’s Christmas party simply because he was “too small.” Since then, I’ve noticed how he’s growing up in the habit of “talking down to himself,” which I find worrisome. When he started to make an effort to string up Christmas lights and trim the tree, he then proceeded to compare himself with his older cousin, saying “I can’t do this well.”
Even though he pressed on and tried to do that which he thought couldn’t do, some self-doubt still lingered.
According to author Kelly Holmes, the mom behind the blog, Idealist Mom, there is a phenomenon called a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” This happens when you declare something repeatedly that it starts to influence your behavior leading to make that declaration come true.
Words, once internalized, can have a lasting effect on a child’s attitude and behavior.
Instead of fighting negative statements with direct “negations,” try adding one simple word to your child’s declaration of self-doubt.
photo: dreamstime
So, what is this simple word?
“Yet.”
Appending this word when your kid says “I can’t do it!” or “I’m not good at this!” can turn things around!
Thanks to the Idealist Mom, this simple mommy hack can help you emphathize, while steering a statement into a more positive direction.
So the next time you hear your exasperated child exclaim: “Mom, I can’t do it”
Say, “…yet. You can’t do it yet.”
By adding this word you help your child look forward to the future, assuring them that one day, as they grow up they can learn to do it. It also encourages them to strive to achieve this and makes them feel that it is not hopeless. This simple word can hold more power than hundreds of positive affirmations that brush off their self-doubt.
Take this a little further by adding more guidance. “Yes, I understand your frustration. I know you can’t do it yet.” You can also add “…not yet.”
Then, you can encourage their problem solving and decision making skills by asking questions like “How can you do it differently? What part are you most struggling with?”
Keep it positive and reassure your child that, no matter how difficult it gets, you will always be on their side.
Did you find this article helpful? We’d love to hear about your experiences with negative self-talk in kids. Let us know in the comments below!
READ: Parenting essentials: Developing your child’s self-esteem
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