No authority or expert can tell you how to make a marriage last. Each couple’s story is different. While this difference needs to be acknowledged when offering marriage advice, there is also some merit in offering unconventional ways, especially if your relationship is not what it used to be. Keeping an open mind can broaden and deepen any relationship, so hear us out as we share these uncommon pieces of marriage advice approved by experts.
1. Don’t assume you are unbreakable
Going into any relationship, especially a lifelong commitment such as marriage, one needs a sense of optimism and hope. But as the years go on and reality sets in, it becomes more of a struggle to maintain that pure sense of wonder when looking at a future with your partner. So how can you cope? First, you can manage your expectations. Don’t assume your partner is going to stick with you; work at making them want to stay for the long haul.
According to relationship expert Jeremy Platts, he has often worked with couples who think they can just put their life on “cruise control” and just enjoy once they succeeded in finding a partner.
“People don’t realize that for a relationship to be a lifelong source of love, growth and joy for both partners, you have to work at it,” he clarified to theHuffington Post. “Shift your focus so that you’re continually growing and learning from each other. When you value something, you enjoy studying it. Same goes for love and relationships.”
2. Fighting is fine
Any marriage therapist will tell you that arguing is a normal part of a growing and deepening relationship. Though there are fights you should avoid, there are healthy arguments that can help you both grow closer. In fact, having certain types of arguments in front of your kids may even be beneficial to forming how they view expressing one’s opinion or voicing out disagreements in a productive way.
Even the happiest couples fight. “The road to intimacy is paved with ruptures and repairs,” assures Dr. Wendy Walsh, author of the 30-day Love Detox.
3. Don’t talk so much
We all know that communication and openness is one of the key ingredients of a flourishing relationship, but there is also much to be said about knowing when to keep silent and allow your partner space to breathe. This is especially true when you encounter problems in your relationship; don’t be in a rush to resolve them by “talking it out, because this does not always work.
“As a dating and love coach who’s in a relationship with fellow coach, we can easily get lost in processing every little thing,” Dr. Platts explains. “There’s definitely a time for talking things out but there’s also powerful value in simply being with each other without talking. Sometimes, just an afternoon of cuddling, a walk in the park or night out salsa dancing is just what you both need to get back to center as a couple.”
4. Don’t shy away from discussing money
It doesn’t matter what your financial situation is, the topic of money can’t be avoided. Sure, it may be unromantic and even boring, but being open about practical matters is essential in building a strong partnership with your spouse. Financial planner Carl Richards shares, in an article on the New York Times, that he and his wife follow certain rules when discussing money, chief of this is the “no shame, no blame” rule. Often, he confides, financial discussions end in heated arguments, so adhering to a rule which reminds them to be sensitive of one another’s struggles. It also helps them own up to their own mistakes, while talking it out and moving forward—together.
5. Don’t put your kids first
Now parents may raise an eyebrow reading this last one. Of course, your kids will always be a priority. Perhaps, it is not about ranking them on a list, but loving them equally while expressing this in different ways.
Dr. Platts believes putting your marriage above everything can help maintain a happy relationship and it could also contribute to your kids’ healthy view of relationships.
“Children are super observant and will naturally model how you show up individually and as a couple,” he explains. “You need to make sure your own emotional and energetic tank is full so you can show up even more present and powerfully for your kids. The bonus is that your partnership will be even stronger.”
READ: 13 Steps to kickstart a positive change in your marriage
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