How to prepare a child for a new sibling? Here are some tips you should consider
Having a new baby in the family can be an exciting time. However, your child may not be as welcoming as you want them to be.
I remember attending a parenting seminar and the speaker shared that before she gave birth. Her son was so excited about his baby sister. But when she brought her home, her son’s first reaction was “Bring her back to the hospital.”
The truth is, not all kids will have a positive reaction to a new sibling. They need to be prepared before the baby comes and be constantly reassured of their love when the baby is home.
Bestselling author and mom of three, Teresa Gumap-as Dumadag has recently published a children’s book on this topic titled “Mommy Loves You Just The Same.”
theAsianparent caught up with her and she graciously shared some tips with fellow moms in this season of life.
How to prepare a child for a new sibling? 6 tips you should know
1. Why do you think it’s important to prepare older siblings for the arrival of a new one?
I believe that it’s important to prepare older children to become big brothers/sisters because it’s a major change in their family life. Any change can be unsettling, even for adults.
Thus, for children, who are still growing in emotional maturity and do not have adequate knowledge yet on how to express their emotions and thoughts in words or in acceptable ways. We need to teach them and guide them. We need to give them time to accept and adjust to this family development and the changes that come with it.
They need to be secure in their parent’s love for them. And yes, they need special attention. When older siblings are not prepared well or are not assured of their parents’ love, especially that of their mom, this change can result in poor self-esteem and changes in their behavior which could be undesirable.
Children can begin acting out. This could be, in truth, pleas for help and attention from the older child and also affect their performance in school or other areas where they used to excel.
2. How to prepare a child for a new sibling?
The first important thing that I did was to share the good news with them right away. As soon as we got confirmation from the doctor, my husband and I shared the good news with our children. In this way, we give them ample time to absorb, process, and adjust to what is about to happen.
We can have mixed emotions with this kind of news, adult and children alike. But it’s okay. Acknowledging these feelings and expressing them in ways that are not harmful to anyone helps us to better handle our emotions.
By sharing the news early on with our children, we gave them a lot of time to slowly understand what is happening and what will happen in the future. They had time to ask questions and time to bond with me and the baby even while in the womb.
I believe that getting older children in the loop as early as possible enables them to better adjust to what will be their new normal. Acceptance, understanding, and adjustment take time.
Second, my husband and I demonstrated to them that welcoming another baby is something that we joyfully anticipate. It models to them that new life should be celebrated because life is a gift.
Third, we involved the kids a lot in our preparations for the baby. We brought them with us when shopping for the baby’s things and when going to my ob-gyne for monthly check-ups. In addition, we let them witness some of my ultrasound sessions. It got them excited even more when they saw the baby moving on the ultrasound monitor.
Fourth, we made them feel that being a big brother is a privilege and something they can be proud of, especially if they are loving, caring, and helpful big brothers.
Last but not the least, I talked to them a lot about the baby, my pregnancy, the changes that will happen, and what they can do to show their love for me and their baby brother.
3. Did they go through the jealousy stage? How did you deal with it?
How to prepare a child for a new sibling?
They did. My eldest seemed ready for his younger brother Mateo during my pregnancy, except during the early stages when he wanted to be carried a lot but I had to refuse him because he was already heavy and I needed to be on bed rest.
But two weeks after I gave birth to my second child, my eldest child was hospitalized. The doctors could not find any other reason for his loss of appetite and lack of energy except for probably his difficulty in processing and adjusting to being a big brother or having a sibling. He was the only child for 3 years before he had a sibling.
This prompted us to talk more to him about the changes in our family. I asked my husband and my mom to spend more time with him to fill up his love tank. Furthermore, I did my best also to spend time with him in between breastfeeding sessions.
I tried to do as many activities as I can to show him that there are still many things that remained the same. These included our read-aloud sessions, cuddle time, homeschool time, prayer time together, one-on-one dates, and lots of conversations.
And then when we learned that I can still breastfeed him together with his younger brother, I asked him if he wanted to resume nursing again. So, he breastfed again at almost 5 years old, sometimes tandem nursing with his younger brother, for a number of months before he self-weaned.
With my second child, I think it was easier for him to adjust because he was used to having a brother. It’s just that this time, he is now the big brother instead of the younger brother. Whatever I did for his eldest brother, I also did for him.
I also made his third birthday party (which was close to my due date) extra special so he would feel loved and important. When he watches me breastfeed his baby brother, I invite him to nurse also. I think that helped a lot to communicate to him that not much has changed.
Also, whenever I hear them say something against the baby or our situation now that we have a baby, I remind them and talk to them to help them understand.
4. What inspired you to write this book?
How to prepare a child for a new sibling?
My two older children, Yanthy and Mateo, inspired me to write this book. Actually, it started as a poem. Then, I edited it a bit to become this children’s story.
Yanthy was 5 and Mateo was 2 years old during my third pregnancy. I was thinking of ways to assure them, especially Mateo, that my love for them remains the same even with the coming of a new baby. I wanted to assure them of my unchanging love consistently and regularly. So, I thought of writing this poem with this title.
I also drew inspiration from the things that my sons did during my pregnancy and from what my eldest did after I gave birth to his younger brother Mateo.
Yanthy loves to read and make music. He would read, sing and play musical instruments for me and his baby brothers and he did these things in all of my pregnancies and after his brothers were born. Yanthy is also very helpful, he likes to be involved and he would usually helps get the things that we need to use for the baby.
Yanthy also likes to help during diaper changes and in putting the baby to sleep. He even learned to play Brahm’s Lullaby on the piano so he can play that when we are trying to put the baby to sleep. Also, he helps me put on my nursing cover when we are outside the house. When nursing at home, he gives me pillows so my back wouldn’t hurt. He’s a very loving son and big brother!
Mateo followed the example of his big brother Yanthy. But on top of that, he would also tell his own stories to the baby and he would sing songs from the musical that he was a part of. He teaches him how to pray and do action songs.
Lately, since my youngest son is already eating solid food, he helps feed the baby by holding the spoon for him and guiding the baby’s hand to his mouth.
I thought documenting our family experience through a poem or book would be a wonderful way to help us remember those bonding moments.
In addition, I wanted to leave something to my kids. That would help them know and remember that they had this kind of experience in their childhood.
I want our youngest child, Geordan, to know how his older brothers cared for him and showed him their love when he was still in the womb and when he was still a baby. And I want him to know how truly blessed he is to have his two older brothers.
5. How is writing a children’s book different from a self-help/inspirational one? Is it easier or more challenging?
I think it’s easier this time because it is much shorter and I just need to be extra careful with the words that I will use since it is intended for young children.
In addition, I also think that what made it easy for me to write this book is my involvement in raising my children. I’m very hands-on in caring for them and I also homeschool them. Also, I spend a lot of time with them and I know a lot about them and the things that kids like them need to hear and like to see or do.
I wrote the book for them. They were my target audience. I believe that having that kind of knowledge of your target audience enabled me to come up with a story that will really speak to their hearts.
6. How to prepare a child for a new sibling? What message would you want to send to parents and kids who will be reading your book?
Older siblings, no matter how old, would love to hear these words from you regularly and often, “Mommy loves you just the same.” Read it often to them and do the coloring activities with them.
Use the illustrations in the book as conversation starters. Ask them which things the big brother did in the story that they want to imitate. Ask them why and ask them if they have other ideas about showing their love for you and their baby brother.
How to prepare a child for a new sibling?
In truth, I also wrote this book for myself. I wrote it so I can use it as a tool to help me say these words often to my own children. Having three children is not easy. Moms like me need to make sure that we are able to give time to each of our children and that we are able to assure them of our love. This book is one helpful tool that will enable you to do that.
Teresa Gumap-as Dumadag
A Filipino mom of three boys: Yanthy, Mateo, and Geordan. She breastfed all her three children and currently homeschools her two older children while running her home-based business.
Also, she shares inspiration and wisdom through her workshops, training, and coaching programs, talks, books, blogs (Hands-On Parent while Earning, Mommy Bares All, and When My Bridegroom Comes), and articles.
Author of iHOPE, an online coaching program that teaches and equips parents to be hands-on with their children or to be more involved in their children’s lives while pursuing their financial goals.
She’s the #1 Amazon Bestselling Author of the book BREASTFEEDING: A Journey Worth Taking. Her first two books were When My Bridegroom Comes and How to Have the Wedding of Your Dreams. Her upcoming books include From Career Woman to S.A.H.M., W.A.H.M. then Businessmom and How To Be A Hands-On Parent while Earning (H.O.P.E.).
She is the President and Founder of Full Life Cube Publishing and Events Services (www.fulllifecube.com), through which she inspires and equips her clients to succeed in their businesses/careers while living out their priorities and life’s purposes.
Additional information from Marhiel Garrote
