You might have seen a post by blogger Anshu Bhojnagarwala that’s doing the rounds these days. She touches on a ‘truth’ related to our kids that is so important to all parents.
This ‘truth’ however, is not something that many of us see. Or maybe some of us choose not to see it. What is this truth, you might be wondering. It’s right in front of your eyes, if you choose to notice.
The fact is, we are raising a generation of over-sheltered kids, living in a close-to-perfect bubble, who often have no idea about the realities of the real world.
We don’t let them lose, so they have little understanding of the true thrill of winning. They don’t have the need to ever try harder to achieve what they want.
We don’t let them fall, so they don’t know how to pick themselves up and move on.
They are not allowed to feel disappointed, so they don’t know what it’s like for someone else who perhaps loses out on something they really wanted. They don’t truly understand the feeling of empathy.
We fuss over the tiniest scrape and scratch, we don’t let them feel pain or sorrow, and by doing this, we’re taking away their sense of resilience, their inner strength.
We never let them go hungry. So will they ever have an understanding of the ache in your soul that true hunger brings to so many people, so many children around the world? This very minute, there is a child somewhere in the world experiencing soul-crushing, life-sapping hunger…
What happens when our children become adults? When they becomes wives, husbands, fathers, mothers? A generation without, what I call ‘real-life skills’, is what they will be.
Yes, they’ll be tech-savvy and sophisticated and confident. But whether they’ll be able to show true compassion to another person’s plight, pick themselves up and move on after falling down (physically or mentally), or understand the true meaning of giving without holding back, is doubtful.
Will they ever learn how strong they really are, how determined they can really be if needed, because they were denied disappointment and pain as children? Will they ever discover that inner strength that helps our generation cope with tragedy, with sorrow, with loss?
Is this what you and I want for our children? For their children someday? I think not. So, mums and dads, it’s not too late to teach our kids some of the values we grew up with. Teach them the ways of the real world, take them out of their comfort zone and beyond their perfect little bubble-world.
By doing this, you’re giving them a gift that no amount of money can ever buy.
To give you more perspective of the (preventable) tragedy that hovers over our kids’ futures, here’s Anshu’s post:
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A few weeks ago, I had attended a birthday party of my daughter’s friend. There they played a game, the age old ‘Passing the parcel’, however, what was different was the way it was played. The child who was caught with the parcel when the music stopped was asked to leave the circle, but with that parcel as the gift, and then a new parcel was introduced. The game continued till every child got a gift. I asked the mother what was wrong with the earlier version, the version we had all grown up with.
She said – “I do not like kids to be disappointed. See, here every child is happy as he or she gets to take a gift home.”
In another instance, I was in the park with my daughter. She was playing lock and key with her friends. Now, one of her friends fell down. Her mother, who was on the other side of the park ran to his son, all confused and upset. She scooped her son in her lap and started inquiring – “Are you hurt? Let me see! Do no cry! Shush, mama is here.”
The child, had a scraped knee, who was perfectly OK till then, started crying earnestly.
I was at a friend’s home for lunch. Her 5-year old daughter refused to eat what was cooked for lunch. My friends felt so guilty that her daughter would go hungry, that she cooked up her favourite pasta immediately. According to her, it was not the first time this had happened.
At the School Sports Day, there are no races, no competition. No first, second or runner ups. Because, everyone is equal, there should be no competition between the kids.
Kids today have a room full of toys and games. Some they ask, some they do not. But, they still get them. Everything in excess is the new mantra of life.
Our parents taught us self-reliance, while we hover around our children and want to protect them at all costs. We like to hold our babies closer to the protection of the nest. We go out of our way and rustle up something when they don’t eat what’s cooked at home for everyone else, because we don’t them to sleep hungry. Instead of letting them play outside, we organize activities for them. We do their homework and their assignments. We even resolve their conflicts for them.
It makes me wonder, what will happen to these kids when they grow up?
Will they get a gift everytime they fail? Will they be able to handle disappointment? A child who has never been denied anything, how will he cope with rejections? There are a growing number of cases when kids run away from home or commit suicide because they are not able to deal with low marks in examinations or when they fail to secure an admission in an institution of their choice.
Will their parents keep them hidden in their bosom all their life? Our mothers never ran after us, a scraped knee was just that. She would ask us to wash it with some water and then forget about it. But, there was no drama that followed. Falling and hurting was a part of daily life for us. We cycled, climbed up trees and jumped from the stairs. Today, kids travel in elevators and escalators (because they might fall down the stairs and get themselves hurt). Earlier, kids walked and cycled. I hardly see kids walking nowadays, unless it’s for a kids’ marathon and they are required to pose for selfies with their cool mommies. I never see kids climbing up the monkey bars, do you?
Will they shy away from competition or be able to survive it? OK, so we can accompany our kids till the college gate and sit in the waiting area while they appear for a job interview. In one-child China, parents have been known to put up tents outside their college kids’ dorms. This is an invisible umbilical cord we are just not ready to cut. And, what happens after that? A child who is never used to losing – how will he survive in the big bad world?
We are raising our kids to be adult babies.
So what should we do?
- Stop telling our children that they are special all the time. They are not, at least not always. So reserve the praises for the times when they actually deserve.
- Stop going out of the way to create happiness in their life. The life is a mix of joys and sorrows, and it is for a reason. We have no right to interfere with the nature. So let’s stop pretending that everything is all right when it’s not. Let the kids have their fair share of disappointments at an early age. It’s better to fall at 10, than at 40.
- Stop giving them things when they don’t require it. We had fewer toys, but did we ever complain? Were we unhappy because of that? No, right. So why are we teaching our kids to be materialistic? Why should they find happiness in toys and games, and not people? We give them iPads, iPhones…we are teaching them it’s all right to speak to the technology, rather than people. Today’s kids have more virtual friends than actual friends.
- Stop hovering around them. Let them take action and be responsible for it. If they have done a wrong deed, they should take the punishment or the consequences for it. Do not protect them unnecessarily.
- Let them fall. And, do not cushion their fall. Also, let them get up on their own. Only when they fall, will they get up. Let them learn things on their own.
- Stop feeling guilty. For things we can’t provide them. We are the parents, not superhumans or Gods. Make kids understand our limitations.
It’s not the kids who are at fault, but us, the parents. Let’s sit with our parents and understand how they raised us – independent and fearless. We can take a leaf or two from their parenting book. It wouldn’t do us any harm, but might save our kids!
Share your thoughts on the topic – we would love to hear from you!
Republished with permission from: theAsianParent Singapore
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