All of us have seen movies that have a violent and aggressive partner or come across real stories of domestic abuse. In most such cases, the one thing we almost always ask is ‘’why didn’t she leave?’’
I have said the same thing many times in the past, and I failed to understand why a grown-up and a mature person would continue living in a relationship that was violent, self-demeaning, and where the marks of emotional, physical as well as mental violence and abuse were so obvious.
Recently, someone I know finally opened up about what she has been going through for quite a few years now. Being her friend, I am sad that I did not spot the signs, but the fact is that she still does not feel she needs help but believes things will one day get better.
Here is what she finally had to say…
Our relationship story: We clicked right from the start
I first met him through common friends when we had gone to a party. He immediately came across as a very attentive and caring person, someone who can talk about anything.
I love talking about various topics and an intellectual conversation really gets me engaged. So we definitely clicked right from the start and never stopped talking, till the party got over.
It was the first time we had met, so I was not sure if I should ask him for his number, as I definitely wanted to see him again. So, when he asked me if he could drop me home, I said yes.
In the car, all I wanted to do was look at him, but of course, I was skeptical. Minutes before we reached our home, he asked if he could kiss me.
I had elephants, zebras, kangaroos, and an entire zoo in my stomach, and I said yes. That was our first kiss, and I still remember it clearly even after so many years. Soon we started meeting more often, and a lot of our friends could see that this was something we were getting serious about.
He had had a string of relationships in the past, and we both had talked about our past. Even though he was known as a ladies’ man I was not worried. I knew that we connected and even as I knew I was already in love with him, I could see he was reciprocating it too.
The first time he twisted my arm and slapped me when we were in a relationship
We became a couple officially and the first incidence of abuse happened when he twisted my arm in the middle of a club where we had gone with friends.
Everyone was high, and I had danced a while without him, and the reason for his anger was that he thought I was eyeing someone.
I was not, but his anger made me silent. That night as we drove back to his place, I was already scared of what lay in store. He never stopped abusing me throughout the drive, and once even slapped me in the car.
Once we were home, he hit me repeatedly, telling me I was a wh£$%^ and a characterless woman and I deserved to be beaten up. I cried myself to sleep, too shocked at the way this perfect man of my dreams was behaving.
The next day when I woke up with the bruises, he was on his knees, apologizing, asking for forgiveness, and crying with me. We were soon fine again.
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I saw the pattern in our relationship, but he always apologized and made me feel loved
From then on, I could see there was a pattern. Anytime we went out, he would start talking about that night, and call me a characterless woman, because didn’t I agree to be kissed the first time we met? And hadn’t I slept with other guys in the past? When I told him he too had done the same, I got more slaps and punches.
And then he again apologized and cried and told me that I was a really low woman and that the fact that he was behaving like this was because I was someone who could not be trusted, and deserved to be beaten up and shown my place so that I would never do anything wrong in future.
He told me I deserve to be beaten up because I am a characterless woman and make him behave so violently
We were at his friends' party and I was interacting with everyone and helping the host. As I went up to him to hug him, he grabbed my face and told me how I was insulting him by trying to mingle with all the men there. He almost hit me and cut my lip. The smell of alcohol on his breath and his eyes on me is something I have not forgotten to date.
I have been with him for about 4 years now and he has asked me to marry him and I love him like crazy, and for those times when I am not scared of him or his moods, and when he does not beat me up, I don’t think I have ever felt so much love ever in my life.
I told this to only one friend till now and she said I should immediately stop all contact with him and move on. She told me this behavior will never change. I never realized when I turned into this quiet girl who stopped meeting friends and stopped talking to others.
But I love him so much, and cannot imagine living without him. We still talk about everything and anything and our talks have not gone down, we make amazing love and are connected in so many ways that it seems unreal to find someone who has so much in common with you.
But I don't want the abuse and the beating and the yelling. Is there no way that I can tell him that I am loyal to him and that there is no one else in my life? Have any of you faced any domestic abuse ever or know of someone who did? I suggested couple counseling but he got very angry. I want to make this work and want to be with him, but honestly, I am also very, very scared of him.
*no names or places have been shared here to protect the identity of the person