Within our wide circle of friends, there’s bound to be some women whose time for bearing children has not yet come. Maybe they’ve been waiting for a long while, and this has caused them a great deal of grief and pain.
While we sympathize with their plight, and we may mean well, we must also be considerate of their feelings. In our desire to comfort and encourage them, our less than carefully uttered words may trigger thoughts that they would rather not dwell on.
So, let us be mindful of how we speak, keeping in mind some of these remarks that women who have no children (but are wishing) may not really want to hear.
“Have you checked with the doctor yet?”
Of course she has. With her husband, she has sat in front of the doctor many agonizing times, dreading his prognosis as if it were a death sentence.Perhaps the couple has sought expert opinion, explored medical options, and hung on to every promise that the latest technology can offer. And yet, nothing has worked so far. To be reminded of this basic step may come across as an accusation that she has not tried hard enough.
“Have you considered adoption?”
Perhaps they have. Seriously. And maybe they are taking steps to do so. Yet adopting a child is not a simple matter. There are legal requirements that have to be satisfied, and the process can be painstaking. But most of all, would she be able to accept a child borne by someone else, a child who did not come from her own womb? Some women can and are most willing to do so. And there are others who are not so comfortable with the idea. It is best to avoid this question, especially if the couple hasn’t opened up to you.
“You’re actually lucky not to have kids. You can have all the time to yourself.”
What you view as a life of peace and quiet without kids may be the opposite of what she wants. She may, in fact, have dreams of having her own family, with children running around the house and making a mess. That is the happiness she yearns for, not the quiet of an empty nursery.
“It may not be God’s will.”
First of all, we may not necessarily know what God wants for her. Second, she may or may not know herself. But to say that maybe God is the one who is denying her her heart’s desire is not only presuming of God; it can also rob her of her only source of hope. God may be the only one she is holding on to in her moments of confusion and discouragement. Leave her with hope, and give her the space – and grace – to wait for her answered prayer.
“Just keep praying and keep waiting.”
Well, at this point, this is all she can do anyway. There is nothing to be gained by stating the obvious and drawing attention to the present situation that she can do nothing about.
***
For politeness’ sake, most women will just bear a smile, even when our most well-intentioned comments may give her pain. So, what can we say?
In all honesty, and frankly speaking, we have no right to ask, especially about such a personal and sensitive issue. It is simply none of our business.
But if she does open up and you would like to lend support, being sympathetic is the best way to go. A simple – “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. But if you need to talk, I am here to listen.” – is enough to convey all that we would like to say, and all that they need to hear.
READ: What to do when you get bullied by another mom
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