The time-in method puts a child in close proximity to an adult (a child is welcome to sit on his parents’ or caregivers’ lap), as opposed to away from one, for a period to help calm him down and assess his misbehavior.
When the child is calm, the parent then proceeds to discuss his wrongdoing in a calm, respectful manner. During this time, parents can hold their child (through hugging or stroking the child’s shoulder) to improve the parent-child bond and increase the child’s receptiveness.
Doing this allows a connection that is based on love, and not resentment or anger, to develop.
How is time-in different from time-out?
Both time-out and time-in methods aim to discipline a child for unacceptable behavior.
The main difference is that the time-out method isolates the child from people or interesting activities for a period (which is why it is perceived as a punishment), while the time-in method encourages the parents, caregivers or educators to be with the child during a period to help him process his feelings and learn lessons from his shortcomings.
Continue reading to know how the time-in method works
How the time-in method works
- Politely request that the child stop misbehaving. Be specific: “Please stop doing ______.”
- If he refuses, calmly remove him from the situation. Go to another room where he can cool off.
- While holding your child, acknowledge whatever he is feeling and help him calm down.
- Give clear reasons on why he needs to cool off. As to how long it should be, follow the rule depending on age. If he is four, then ask him to sit quietly for four minutes.
- Once the child is calm, discuss what happened. Remember to validate his feelings and remind him that you understand why, for example, he was upset.
- Set boundaries. Tell him why a particular behavior is unacceptable and discuss how he should behave next time he finds himself in a similar situation. This is the time when you can tell him as well that the only time he can re-enter the room is if he promises to avoid the behavior that led to the time-in.
Sample time-in method strategy
The example below gives a better picture of the time-in method in action and how the conversation should go:
Child A knocks down Child B’s tower of blocks. Parent talks to Child A and lets him know why what he did was wrong. If Child A admits to knocking down the blocks intentionally, the parent also asks why he did it.
To acknowledge Child A’s feelings, the parent might say, “I understand that you are also excited to play with the blocks, but right now, it is Child B’s turn to play in the blocks area.” As a consequence, the parent may task Child A with helping Child B build the tower again.
Alternatively, a consequence can come in the form of losing a privilege if pre-established expectations are not met. If Child C, for instance, keeps running around the house and climbing up the stair balusters, the parent may opt to take away his time for outdoor play.
A child can also be given a choice in terms of what consequence to take (“You could do this or that, which do you prefer?”), and this teaches the child to accept responsibility for his behavior.
In this example, the time in method is followed by logical consequences. A logical consequence happens as a result of a child’s action and is imposed by an adult.
Logical consequences work best when agreed upon in advance and have to be related to the misdeed, respectful, reasonable and helpful to the child in improving his behavior.
Continue reading to learn about more tips on how best to do the time-in method
Tips for doing the time-in method
Teaching kids how to behave and act appropriately takes time. But practicing the time in method as a form of discipline built on respect and empathy teaches children about proper behavior as well as improves the parent-child relationship.
To be more successful in disciplining youngsters, state expectations clearly. This means letting the child know what is expected of him at home or in the classroom by establishing a routine.
Children find comfort in routine and the predictability of their days, so being consistent about the rules is key.
If your child has a meltdown, find a quiet place together and keep in mind the guidelines below to help both you and your child:
- Stay calm when the child misbehaves. Yelling or resorting to threats only worsens the situation. Avoid disrespectful words and actions (grabbing, jerking).
- Make and maintain eye contact.
- Validate the child’s feelings and help him work them out. Do not to tell the child what he should do or say, and certainly to never deny or belittle the child’s feelings with questions like “Why are you crying about a thing like that?” Instead, validate feelings by asking a child what his emotions are and the saying, “I understand/know you are upset that Carlos didn’t want to share the toy, but there’s no need to hit him.”
- Choose a “neutral” place where the child can stay. This means no distractions such as toys or TV.
- Ask the child if he knows what he did wrong. If he does, then get straight to the point and suggest ways on how to avoid the behavior. If he doesn’t, explain in a calm manner until he understands.
- Be patient. Children, especially very young ones, find it difficult to express themselves especially in the middle of a tantrum. Patience is key.
- Encourage your child to express his feelings. Do not blame or criticize. Instead, use encouraging statements such as the following:
- I’d like to hear about it.
- Tell me more about that.
- I understand.
- What do you think about…?
- Would you like to talk about it?
- Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?
- That’s interesting.
- I’m interested.
- Explain that to me.
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