I guess you are wondering why you are reading a love letter from your ex, but hear me out.
I’ve never been good at expressing myself, so since our relationship ended, I have kept most things to myself. It’s not that I am unfeeling or I don’t care, it’s just that every time I try to open up to friends and relatives, I feel like they don’t understand. I want them to see that you are not the villain. I want them to acknowledge that we were once happy. That you will always be a part of me.
You hurt me and you left our kids without a mum, but I still love you. Nothing could ever change that, not even a broken heart.
I hate what you did, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you and I am thankful you are the mother of my kids.
It still feels strange when I wake up in the morning and you’re not there. Your favourite coffee grounds still sit atop our shelf, like they’re mocking me. But I said goodbye to my pride for a long time now. I guess part of me knows it was my pride that caused you to drift away from me in the first place.
I rewind random mornings like this. What could I have done better? Could I have been a better listener? Could I have reassured you more that you are worthy of love?
There are a million things I would change, and a million more things I wouldn’t. The fact that you cheated doesn’t make you a bad person, contrary to what everyone is saying. I was at fault, too. I know this, but I couldn’t admit it at first. It’s been months, but I still replay our last conversation in my head, like a sad movie that I watch again and again, hoping that the ending will change.
It’s been months, but I still replay our last conversation in my head, like a sad movie that I watch again and again, hoping that the ending will change.
I also wonder if it would have been easier if I had cheated first. But I never wanted anyone but you. To me, you were (and are) the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. No one comes close to making me feel the way you do. Even if you chose another, I admit I am still hoping you will change your mind. I cannot tell this to anyone because they will laugh at me, mock me for not being man enough not to splash my feelings all over the internet, so I will keep this anonymous.
But I believe this: I was man enough to be faithful to you, but I wasn’t man enough to make you stay. One day, I will stop blaming myself and my shortcomings for pushing you away. I can’t bring myself to blame you, no matter how you much you’ve hurt me and our family. I still want to be here waiting for you. I guess they can call me “martyr” all they want, but I don’t care. I will keep loving you until the hurting stops. It’s my only way of coping.
I don’t know if you’ll ever stumble upon this, I guess this is more for me, as a way of healing. Maybe one day, after I write a million letters, I’ll get over you. But I can’t erase you from my life just yet. Being with you made me the man I am today, and for that, despite all the heartache, I will forever be grateful.
Republished with permission from theAsianparent Philippines
READ: An open letter to my husband’s mistress: “You broke our marriage, but you didn’t break me”