10 things you should stop saying to your child – and what to say instead

10 things you should stop saying to your kids

We all discipline our kids and this includes praising them when we think it's appropriate. But did you know that some of the most seemingly positive phrases we use with our kids are actually quite destructive?

Despite our good intentions, these statements teach children to stop trusting their internal guidance system, to become deceptive, to do as little as possible, and to give up when things get hard.

Click "next” to see the 10 things you should avoid saying to your kids and what you should say instead.

1. "Good job"

The biggest issue with this statement is that it’s often said repeatedly for things a child hasn’t really put any effort into. The statement teaches your child that anything is a "good job” when mom and dad say so.

Instead try, "You really tried hard on that!” By focusing on your child’s effort, you are teaching them that their effort is more important than the results. This also encourages your child to be more persistent when attempting a difficult task and to see failure as just another step toward success.

2. "Good boy/girl"

When children hear "good girl!” or "good boy!" after performing a task you asked them to do, they assume that they’re only "good” because they’ve done what you’ve asked. This sets up a scenario in which children can become afraid of losing their status as a "good kid” and their motivation to cooperate becomes all about receiving positive feedback they’re hoping for.

Instead, try saying something like "I really like it when you cooperate!” This gives your child an idea as to why you are praising them and gives them insight as to how their behaviour affects you. You can even take your feelings out of it entirely and say, "I saw you share your toy with your friend.” This allows your child to deduce that sharing is "good” and lets them choose to repeat the action from their internal motivation rather than doing it just to please you.

3. "What a beautiful picture"

When we evaluate and judge our child’s artwork, it actually denies them of the opportunity to judge and evaluate their own work.

Instead try, "I see red, blue and yellow! Can you tell me about your picture?” This allows your child to evaluate their own work and to share their intent - skills that will serve their creativity as they mature and grow into the artist they are.

4. "Stop it right now or else"

Threatening a child is never a good idea. First, you are teaching them to use brute force to get what they want and second, you put yourself in the awkward position of either carrying out your threat or backing down.

Instead say something like "It’s NOT OK to hit your brother. He could get hurt or he could get angry and hurt you. If you’d like something to hit, you may hit a pillow, the couch or the mattress.” By offering an alternative, you allow your child to express themselves in a safe manner while still validating their emotions.

5. "If you do 'x', then I'll give you 'y'"

Bribing kids discourages them from cooperating simply for the sake of ease and harmony. This kind of exchange can become a slippery slope and if used frequently.

Instead try, "Thank you so much for helping me clean up!” When we offer our genuine gratitude, children are intrinsically motivated to continue to help. However, if your child hasn’t been very helpful lately, remind him of a time when he was. "Remember a few months ago when you helped me take out the trash? That was such a big help!” Then allow your child to come to the conclusion that helping out is fun and intrinsically rewarding.

6. "You're so clever!"

By telling your child they’re smart, you unintentionally send the message that they’re only smart when they get good grades or accomplish a goal. Studies have shown that when we tell kids they’re smart after completing a puzzle, they’re less likely to attempt a more difficult puzzle after. That’s because the kids are worried that if they fail, we’ll no longer think they’re "smart.”

Instead, try telling your child that you appreciate their effort. Sure, solving the puzzle is fun, but so is attempting a puzzle that’s even more difficult. Those same studies showed that when we focus on the effort, kids are far more likely to attempt a more challenging puzzle the next time.

7. "Don't cry"

When you say, "Don’t cry,” you invalidate your child’s feelings and tell them that their tears are unacceptable. This causes kids to learn to suppress their emotions, which can ultimately lead to more explosive emotional outbursts.

Try verbalizing the feelings your child might be having, "You’re really disappointed that we can’t go to the park right now, huh?” This helps your child understand their feelings and learn to verbalize them sooner than they might otherwise. It also helps regulate their emotions, which is a crucial skill that will serve them throughout life.

8. "I promise..."

Broken promises hurt big time, so always choose to be honest with your child. Keeping your word builds trust and breaking it deteriorates your connection, so be careful of what you say, and live up to your word as much as possible.

If you do break your word, acknowledge it and apologize to your child. Breaking our word is something we all do at one time or another and even if it’s over something that seems trivial to you, it could matter a lot to your child. So do your best to be an example of honesty, and when you’re not, step up and take responsibility for your failure.

9. "It's no big deal"

There are so many ways we minimize and belittle our child’s feelings, so watch out for this one. Children often value things that seem small and insignificant to our adult point of view. So, try to see things from your child’s point of view.

Try saying, "I’m sorry you’re disappointed and the answer is no.” These are far more respectful than trying to convince your child that their desires don’t really matter.

10. "Why did you do that?"

If your child does something you don’t like, then keep in mind that you don’t need to discuss their actions then and there. When you immediately confront a child, asking them, "Why?” You are forcing them to think about their behaviour and to analyze it. They might also shut down and get defensive. Instead, open the lines of communication by attempting to understand what your child was feeling and needing when they did what they did. You might discover that your own disappointment about the incident diminishes.

10 things you should stop saying to your kids

Republished with permission from: theAsianparent

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Written by

LurleneVvo

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