Relationships are wonderful and enriching, but sometimes messy and confusing.
What can you read in this article?
- What is micro cheating?
- Micro cheating examples
- How to stop micro cheating
While certain things are clear-cut (which can be understood in black and white), more often than not, when it comes to relationships, we tread on a lot of gray areas. And not knowing the boundaries of these gray areas may put you, your partner, and your entire relationship in jeopardy.
For example, many have asked, “What constitutes cheating?” And we’re not simply talking about having sex with someone else (the answer’s quite obvious!), but rather being unfaithful emotionally. This adds a new dimension and makes cheating more difficult thing to define.
Different people have different definitions of cheating. The first thing you would have to do is talk it out with your partner and establish boundaries and expectations in your relationship.
Both partners must agree to follow the rules of the relationship. If you don’t set boundaries and expectations, you or your partner may become unfaithful without recognizing it.
But what could tell that you or your partner is already bringing your relationship to the gray area? Know it here
What is micro cheating?
Tammy Shaklee, an LGBTQ relationship expert and CEO of H4M Matchmaking, defines micro-cheating as “small acts that are almost cheating.”
According to her, Micro-cheating is anything in your relationship that is more emotionally, physically, or sexually charged than what is considered acceptable. It is anything that could lead to full-fledged cheating in the future.
Micro cheating has been here for a long time, we just don’t have the write term for it. So hoping to shed some more light, we’ve gathered 10 ways you may be cheating on your spouse and not knowing it.
Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko from Pexels
Look at these micro cheating examples
-
Flirting
Some say flirting is harmless. It’s playful banter that means nothing. However, flirting always conveys a certain attraction and intimacy. It is placing a different kind of attention on a particular person. And when it’s directed towards someone else (other than your partner), you’re putting yourself in a dangerous position.
Sameera Sullivan, a dating counselor at Lasting Connections said in an article with Vice that,
“Being emotionally involved with another person other than your partner is still cheating. Whether it’s sexting, texting, or any type of message, it’s a violation of trust and loyalty that you have with your partner. Respect and trust is [are] the number one priority for a healthy relationship, and if that is broken then it’s hard to rebuild.”
-
Spending time alone with someone else
You may have friends of the opposite sex, and your history/ friendship goes way back. Before the marriage, the high school flings, and puppy love, they were already your friends.
So perhaps, yes, a little trust and faith can be requested from your partner. However, you have to be careful. If you’re spending more time with that “friend,” or you prefer the company of that person over your partner, then you may be unknowingly being unfaithful to your spouse.
-
Confiding in someone else
If you need to vent out about your marriage, work problems, and life in general, it’s understandable to want to run to your friends. But a true relationship and commitment, such as marriage, is finding love, support, and strength in each other.
If you’re looking for emotional support from someone else, you may be cheating.
Emma Davey, a relationship expert and founder of MyTrauma Therapy says that “If a person is having to seek validation and emotional connection from other people, they are never going to be able to sustain a happy, faithful relationship.”
“As soon as you realize you’re getting emotionally involved and looking forward to their messages,” Emma says, the boundary is crossed.
If you’re not sure if your conversations are pushing your relationship into the gray area, consider the following questions:
- Do you tell your “friend” more about yourself than you tell your partner?
- Do you ever feel like your “friend” understands you better than your partner or that you may vent about your relationship with them?
If your answers to these questions are “YES”, you might be forming an emotional link with someone else that puts your relationship with your partner in jeopardy.
-
Chatting online
Even if it’s anonymous, even if you use fake names, even if you’ve never met or have no intention of being physical with that other person online, the moment you try to encourage something more than just friendship with someone else, that’s cheating.
Some couples may consider texting or messaging online with another person to be harmless fun. Others see it as a major break in the relationship as well as an insult.
If you’re wondering, “Am I betraying my relationship by texting this person?” then it’s time to reconsider your texting habits – and your relationship as a whole.
-
Addicted to online porn
Is watching porn considered cheating? Our answer: It depends. Some couples like to watch naughty vids to “liven” the mood in the bedroom, but they usually do it together.
If you find yourself logging onto sites and preferring to immerse yourself in that virtual world for sexual release (rather than engaging with your partner), that’s being unfaithful.
-
Daydreaming/ fantasizing
Who hasn’t fantasized about Leonardo di Caprio or Benedict Cumberbatch? Daydreaming and fantasizing are acceptable, natural, and even healthy things to do.
But if we are immersed in our fantasies more than real life, and are setting unrealistic expectations – For example: “I would be more attracted to my spouse if he had Channing Tatum’s chiseled bod.” – then we are being quite unfair to our partners.
-
Putting your children before your spouse
When you started your family, much of your energy was spent on raising the kids, which every mom knows is a 24/7 job.
Understandably, it becomes a bit difficult making time for your partner and tending to each other’s needs. But if you’re choosing to put the needs of your children first, before your partner, you are being unfaithful.
-
Putting parents and family before your spouse
In many Asian families, it’s typical for a young couple to live with their parents or in-laws during the first years of marriage, or until they can get home.
To show their gratitude and respect, they usually give way to the wants and needs of the elders. However, if you are more focused on tending to the needs of your family/ parents/ in-laws – and are forgetting the needs of your spouse – you’re being unfaithful.
-
Texting or sending personal notes to someone else
In this day and age, communication is just so convenient. You have emoticons and gifs and funny pictures that you can post to get your message across.
But when you’re texting someone more personal notes – such as “I think you looked cute in your suit last Sunday” or “If you need someone to talk to, we can grab coffee”, things which you wouldn’t normally send to anybody else, then this may be considered unfaithful.
Susan J. Elliott, JD, M.Ed, and author of Getting Back Out There, says that the most successful couples follow this rule: “If you wouldn’t do it in front of me, don’t do it.” If you or your spouse are sending a text that you don’t want the other person to see, you probably are cheating on your relationship.
-
Dressing to impress
All of us want to look our best, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good and feel good. But when you’re dressing TO ATTRACT, wanting to gain the attention of someone else other than your husband, yes, you may be cheating.
A large gray area in defining emotional cheating
Admittedly, there is a large gray area when it comes to defining emotional cheating. But the easiest way to determine if you’re being unfaithful is to consider the following.
- Am I preferring the company of this person more than my spouse?
- Would I behave this way with another person like a family member or someone I’m not attracted to?
- If I showed my partner this text/ message or behaved this way in front of him, would I be comfortable with it? Would he be comfortable with it?
- If the tables were turned, and it was my husband doing this, would I be mad and/or uncomfortable?
If the answers lead to the possibility of your partner being disappointed or if reading this makes you try to rationalize your behavior, then you are being unfaithful.
Everyone has the right to go to bed at night without worrying that their partner is cheating with someone else. As a partner, you should be able to provide your relationship with the calm and assurance it deserves.
Photo by Darina Belonogova from Pexels
How do I stop micro cheating?
Once you’ve already acknowledged your actions as considered micro cheating, check out some tips on how you can rebuild boundaries, stop micro cheating, and establish a better relationship with your partner.
- Talk about it. Have an open and honest talk about how you’re feeling and where you believe it’s coming from. Make sure that your partner also has a safe space to express their emotions.
- Make an effort to improve your relationship. Because micro-cheating is often a sign of a problem in a relationship, work with your partner to fix it. This could include agreeing with strategies on how you can level up your relationships like going on a trip together, setting weekly date nights, attending couples therapy, or others.
- Discuss what constitutes cheating and micro-cheating. And remember to be specific! Are you allowed to DM anybody on your socials? Should you detach your connections with particular people you dated in the past? Should you establish what’s ok and what’s not ok in physical affection towards friends? Only by setting clear boundaries can both of you refrain from unconsciously micro cheating.
If the intent is there and the act was made even after knowing each other’s boundaries, then that’s a different thing. And it’s bad.
- Continue working on it. Make talking about your relationship a habit. As cliché as it may sound, “Communication is key”. You can better understand each other if you talk about it.
Photo by Khoa Võ from Pexels
So how do you move on from this rough patch?
Gigi Engle, Lifestyle Condoms brand ambassador, certified sex coach, and author of “All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life” said that not every couple will be able to get past the micro-cheating episode of the relationship.
But if both of you are determined to build the relationship back up, you must take conscious steps to make fix it and make it work.
To guide you even better, you can always engage the help of a licensed professional who can guide you through the process.
Additional information from Margaux Dolores
Sources:
Good to Know, Brides, Insider, Healthline, Vice
