Confessions of a Stay-At-Home-Mom: "I feel like I'm not doing enough"

Confessions of a stay-at-home-mom. Our baby is growing up. Now what? 

What can you read in this article?

• What’s next when your little one becomes independent
• Confessions of a stay-at-home-mom: “I never realized that I will get “my time” back so soon.”
• What to do when self-doubt creeps in.

What’s next for a stay-at-home mom?

When I decided to quit my corporate job five years ago, I didn’t think I would feel the way I am feeling now. I never and I am sure I won’t ever regret a thing but I now ask myself, “What’s next for me?”

My daughter just turned 5 and all of a sudden, the baby who used to be all clingy and needy turned into a little girl who values her time and does things on her own. I never realized that I will get “my time” back so soon.

Rewind to when she was a baby up to her toddler years, my days were filled with everything Monica. I have always been her primary caretaker; from feeding to bathing to playing, name it and I did everything.

That’s because I stay at home and only had part-time works on the side while her dad works full time, 10-12 hours in the office.

Confessions of a Stay-At-Home-Mom: “I feel like I’m not doing enough”

I was always exhausted but I’ve always felt proud of what I do as a homemaker. But now that time is being gentle to me, I feel like I am not doing enough.

Since Monica does not need much tendering and my husband now works from home and helps me with chores, I find myself finishing several KDrama episodes in a day, tinkering on my phone, finishing a workout without a problem.

And then I ask myself, “Am I contributing enough?” I know that time for ourselves is very much needed, but this plenty of time in my hand makes me feel inadequate.

Very far from how I felt when Monica was a baby. Now I feel shy to talk to my working mom friends because I don’t think me being tired is comparable to how they feel every day especially now that we all stay home.

I know I should not compare. All moms are tired, all are contributing enough. I know I should just find more work or other things to make me feel productive. I do that. In fact, I am freelancing here and there.

The truth no one warned us about

I guess, what I am trying to say is, I wish I had a plan back then. Right now, I don’t have a “career” to go back to. Now I feel like I am starting all over again.

This is the truth that nobody warned me about before; the truth that no matter how proud you are as a mother, you will always crave for your own individuality. That you are not ONLY a mother, but you also excel in another field.

While I am very much grateful for the chance to be with my daughter and watch her grow every second of the day, I feel that I can do so much more outside motherhood.

I am writing this not to discourage you to be a stay-at-home mom, in fact, I will encourage you if you feel that this is what you want to do. However, I will remind you that taking this path has its pros and cons.

For someone like me who didn’t have a helper nor a family member close by to assist us, I dedicated the first 5 years to managing the house, doing errands and chores, watching the baby every single day. It ate up all of my time and saying that it’s tiring is an understatement.

My biggest takeaway in this setup is I was able to be fully present in Monica’s formative years. But as the baby grows, you get better at handling multiple tasks at a time that it will give you more space to be idle. This is when sadness creeps in.

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Things to remember when you begin doubting yourself

So far, here are the things that work for me to battle self-doubt, most of the time:

1. Acknowledge that you are lonely.

It is always best to accept that you have sad days, that you cannot do it all – and that’s okay. I allow myself to sulk just so I can embrace the feeling. It usually goes away after a day or two.

2. After accepting that you have changed seasons, find things to make you feel productive.

In my case, I took my extra time to focus on health and fitness. Moving and sweating has their way to declutter the chaotic mind. So, an hour of exercise a day helps.

3. Never discredit what you do at home.

I am guilty of this but thank you to my appreciative husband for never making me feel that I need to do more. My grade school teacher once told me, “Huwag mong iisipin na wala kang nako-contribute. Maayos mong napapalaki si Monica at ‘yon ang mahalaga.”

4. Be ready to work again.

By this time, there’s already a system in place at home. I am slowly finding my way back to my profession. I may have to start at the bottom again, but at least I will start. Or you may try doing business or anything that will make you feel pumped up again.

5. Talk to someone about it.

Talk to your spouse or partner, talk to your friends. It’s proven helpful to share your thoughts, no matter complicated or trivial it is. It works well for me whenever I let my feelings out.

6. Pray for guidance.

No other way to help us get past this phase but to ask God for guidance.

This list is a no-brainer. For sure you have also thought of these things as you go through each day. I just want to remind my fellow stay-at-home moms that you are not alone. We all fall into the hole. But we can rise above again and find ourselves once more.

What’s next for us depends on us. You can do this, mama.