Experiencing mom shaming can certainly lead to discomfort and even carry the risk of depression. The same applies if your partner experiences something similar—dad shaming.
In fact, criticism regarding parenting styles is not only directed at mothers but also at fathers. Sadly, this phenomenon of dad shaming is often unconsciously done by the wives themselves.
The Dad Shaming Phenomenon
In this regard, child psychologist Saskhya Aulia Prima, M.Psi, revealed that criticism of a husband’s parenting style is often delivered by the mother or his wife.
“The danger is, research shows that a significant amount of dad shaming is done by the wives themselves without realizing it. It’s true that most mothers have good intentions, but sometimes fathers also need space and time to build real confidence and closeness with their children,” said Saskhya during #MyBabyMomversity in South Jakarta on Thursday, (12/5/2019).
Acara #MyBabyMomversity di kawasan Jakarta Selatan, pada Kamis, (5/12/2019).
Naturally, the ability to care for children is more commonly found in mothers. Meanwhile, fathers usually need more time to adapt and learn, and they often face more obstacles in the process.
Unfortunately, mothers often become anxious quickly and, without a solid basis, offer negative opinions or criticisms about how their husbands parent. As a result, many fathers end up facing criticism, which can lead them to withdraw from helping with child-rearing.
“It’s important to remember that fathers are generally less confident than mothers when it comes to parenting. Each husband’s learning process is different. Some are willing to get directly involved in caring for the child, while others need time and may feel unsure about what to do. This is often misunderstood and seen as a lack of concern,” Saskhya emphasized.
Effects of Dad Shaming
Just like mom shaming, dad shaming can also have negative impacts on parenting styles and the relationship between fathers and their children.
Saskhya stated that when fathers experience it, they may become less inclined to interact with their children because they constantly feel like they’re doing everything wrong and never right.
This aligns with the findings of a study from the University of Michigan, which revealed that men who receive criticism during interactions with their children tend to feel less confident and lack the motivation to be actively involved in parenting.
Dad shaming can be both verbal and non-verbal. The criticism may even come in the form of jokes.
Fathers may appear to take the criticism lightly. They might even laugh along with the jokes and comments.
However, afterward, they may feel less confident and choose not to continue contributing to child-rearing.
Therefore, the most important factor is how mothers support and uplift fathers so they can feel more confident in parenting.
Ways to Prevent Dad Shaming
1. Set Aside Special Time
Saskhya explained that there are several ways to boost fathers’ confidence in parenting. One of them is by giving them time and trust to interact with their children.
“For me, I usually intentionally give my husband time to interact with the child, and I just let them be. It doesn’t need to be an hour—5 or 10 minutes is enough—and afterward, I usually give him praise,” said Saskhya.
2. Give Appreciation
Just like moms, dads also appreciate being recognized when they get involved in parenting.
Throughout the process, mothers are encouraged to be more patient and to more frequently appreciate the father’s efforts. For example, if a father starts to feel confident enough to hold or bathe the child, there’s nothing wrong with praising that achievement.
3. Lower Expectations
One important thing to do is to lower expectations. There’s no need to expect too much, as this can reduce potential disappointment.
“A father’s achievement doesn’t need to be as perfect as what we might see on social media—like cooking fancy meals for the child, for example. Just being brave enough to hold or bathe the child is already an achievement for them. Give them appreciation so they feel more encouraged to be involved in parenting,” she explained.
4. Be Mindful of Your Tone When Speaking
In addition, pay attention to the way you speak and your tone. Instead of focusing on your husband’s mistakes, it’s better to focus on the need to work together as a couple.
Saskhya emphasized, “In psychology, we talk about ‘I Messages’ or ‘We Messages.’ It’s better to use ‘I Messages,’ for example by saying, ‘I know you have a lot of work and you’re tired, but could you please help me with this?’ So the focus isn’t on the husband not helping, but rather on the need for teamwork,” she explained.
5. Regular Check-ins
Saskhya also suggested that couples should maintain regular communication. This can be done weekly or monthly.
“There needs to be time to review, as parents, what has been going well and what needs improvement. So we highlight the positives instead of the negatives. That way, we can better understand each other,” she concluded.
Originally published on theAsianparent Indonesia
