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Your Child Isn't Being Stubborn — They Just Don't Understand You: How to Communicate Without Threats

7 min read

Learn how to handle a stubborn child using positive discipline and gentle communication techniques that work for Filipino families.

Learning how to handle a stubborn child without using threats might sound like an idealistic theory that’s hard to apply in real life—especially on days when we’re exhausted, worn out, or when it feels like our child just won’t listen. In those moments, we might find ourselves blurting out, “Why are you being so stubborn?” when in reality, they’re not being defiant—they just don’t understand what we’re asking of them.

Many parents looking for how to handle a stubborn child have faced similar situations. We tell our child to stop throwing things, but they keep doing it. We ask them to put away their toys, and they walk away instead. Frustration builds until we end up yelling, threatening, or even punishing them. But instead of learning, the child becomes more fearful and upset.

This article explores how to handle a stubborn child by shifting the perspective from control to connection. What we often perceive as “stubbornness” is actually a communication gap. Through non-threatening communication—one of the foundations of positive discipline—we can transform the home from a battleground of commands and tears into a space filled with understanding and cooperation.

Why Are Children Seen as “Stubborn” — Even When They’re Not?

Young children, especially those in the preschool years, are still in a critical stage of brain development—particularly in the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, decision-making, and emotional regulation. This part doesn’t fully mature until late adolescence. So it’s completely natural for young children to still “follow their impulses,” as they don’t yet have the neurological tools to pause and think things through the way adults can.

In addition, children learn about the world primarily through action, not just by following verbal instructions. Behaviors we might interpret as “defiant”—like climbing on furniture, pulling things apart, or saying “No!” to everything—are often simply expressions of their natural curiosity and desire to explore.

Another key factor is that children don’t fully grasp adult language yet. For example, when a parent says, “Don’t play with water in the evening—you’ll catch a cold,” adults see this as a warning. But a child may only understand, “Play. Water. Evening. Fun!” because they haven’t yet developed the cognitive ability to process cause-and-effect reasoning in a complex way.

That’s why it’s so important to shift our perspective from “my child is being stubborn” to “my child just doesn’t understand yet.” And this is exactly why empathetic communication without fear or threats is essential at this stage of development.

Threats Are a Shortcut That Can Leave Emotional Scars

Phrases like “If you don’t eat, mommy won’t love you anymore,” or “I’ll call the police if you don’t behave,” may slip out when we’re exhausted and just trying to get a child to stop a certain behavior. And while threats might seem to work in the short term, they don’t help a child truly understand the reasoning behind the behavior.

Repeated threats activate the amygdala, the brain’s fear center. When this happens often, the child begins to associate certain situations with fear rather than understanding. Instead of listening because they understand, they begin to listen because they’re afraid.

Over time, this can lead to:

Children telling lies to avoid being threatened
Children becoming afraid to express emotions for fear of being punished
Children growing into adults who are afraid to speak up or face failure

Using fear to control behavior also damages trust in the parent-child relationship, because fear and trust cannot coexist in a child’s heart.

How to Communicate with Your Child Without Using Threats

Effective communication begins with understanding, not control. Here are 4 practical techniques that work especially well with young children:

1. Choose the Right Timing

Avoid giving commands or saying “no” when your child is hungry, sleepy, or has just gone through an emotional moment, such as crying. During these times, their brain isn’t ready to receive or process information calmly. Instead, wait for them to settle down, then speak in a soft, clear tone while maintaining eye contact at their level.

For example, instead of saying:
“Stop crying right now! I told you to stop!”
Try:
“I’m here with you, sweetheart. Take a deep breath. Shall we talk when you’re ready?”

2. **Use Simple Language and Focus on What They Can Do**

Avoid starting with “Don’t” or “Stop.” Instead, offer positive alternatives.

For example, instead of:
“Don’t throw your toys!”
Say:
“Hold your toy gently, so it doesn’t break.”

Children respond better to actions they can do, rather than abstract prohibitions. Saying “don’t” without showing them what to do instead can confuse them. Positive phrasing helps them remember appropriate behaviors more effectively.

3. Set Firm but Warm Boundaries

Children need structure—it makes them feel safe. But this structure should come with empathy. One helpful way is offering limited choices within a set boundary, such as:

“Would you like to put on your shoes by yourself or would you like help?”
“Do you want to play for five more minutes, or tidy up now?”

This helps the child feel a sense of autonomy, while still operating within a framework set by the parent.

4. Acknowledge Their Feelings Before Giving Directions

Start by showing that you understand how they feel. This increases their openness to listening. For example:

“I know you still want to keep playing, but it’s time to eat. After we eat, you can continue playing, okay?”

This approach teaches your child that their emotions are valid, and that you truly understand them. It lays the foundation for developing emotional intelligence.

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Positive Discipline: A Middle Path That Speaks from the Heart, Not Through Threats

Positive discipline is not about letting things slide or allowing misbehavior. Instead, it’s about communicating with firmness and kindness so that children learn through understanding—not through fear-based obedience.

Key principles of positive discipline include:

Building cooperation instead of control
Teaching children to think, analyze, and make decisions
Letting them learn from natural consequences

For example:
If your child doesn’t want to brush their teeth, instead of threatening, “If you don’t brush, your teeth will rot,”
try saying:
“How about brushing for just 30 seconds first? If they’re not clean yet, we can finish brushing together.”

This gives your child a sense of participation instead of feeling like they’re being ordered, and helps them understand the real impact of their actions.

It’s Not That Children Can’t Control Themselves — It’s That We Must Learn to Control How We Communicate

Children don’t yet have the ability to regulate emotions like adults can. That’s not their fault—it’s a part of natural development. If we constantly use harsh words or punishment, we’re planting those very voices into our child’s inner world.

What we say to our children today becomes the voice they will speak to themselves with in the future.

That’s why we must be role models in how we use our words—creating a space of emotional safety and helping them learn through understanding, not fear.

Every action a young child takes is a form of communication—not a deliberate act of defiance. The more we understand the roots of behavior, respond with love and consistency, the more our children will grow into people who understand both themselves and others.

Remember: Cooperation isn’t something you can force in the moment—it’s something built over time, through empathy, respect, and steady communication that fosters trust.

Your child isn’t being stubborn — they just don’t understand yet.

And that moment of misunderstanding is your opportunity—to pause, to connect heart to heart, and to speak not with threats or pressure, but with patience and understanding.

Learning how to handle a stubborn child starts with choosing to communicate without threats—a skill that takes practice and patience. But the reward is deep, lasting connection—a child who grows up with confidence and emotional resilience, and a home filled with compassion instead of shouting.

Because every word a parent speaks becomes the first lesson a child learns about life.

Originally published on theAsianparent Thailand

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The Asian Parent

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Your Child Isn't Being Stubborn — They Just Don't Understand You: How to Communicate Without Threats

Englishgentle parentingmindful parentinghow to handle a stubborn childunderstanding child behaviorrespectful parenting strategiesemotional safety in parenting

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