To my late mom now that I'm a mom too: "Now I understand all your sacrifices..."

Whenever I look at my daughter’s smile, I see you, mom. Has it really been a year since I lost you?

It seems like only yesterday when I looked you in the eyes for the last time.I thought that it would get easier each year. Sure, I get busy with work and motherhood, but there will always be a space and a loss I carry around with me. The loss just gets heavier and deeper as time goes by.

I miss you every day.

I know I should be happy that you met your grandchild, even if you only got to spend a few months with her. I wish you could see her now. She’s the sweetest little weirdo. She loves animals and her favorite food is mashed potato. She can fall asleep listening to EDM and she gets scared when she hears tricycles drive by. I wish you could have been there when she turned one. I chose a Beauty and the Beast theme. I still remember watching it with you on VHS when I was about 7 or 8.

I can’t wait for the day when she finally gets to sing the songs with me. I hope she inherits your singing voice, because I sure didn’t. Kidding aside, it has not all been fun and games. I don’t know how you did it.

There are so many things I wish I could ask you, so many things I want to remember and teach to my daughter…

photo: dreamstime

Now I understand all your sacrifices. I wish I could call you when I’m having a rough day, but all I can do is look at old photos and wish I could hug you. I’d give anything to have coffee with you in the morning one more time or just relax on the couch watching Korean dramas with you. It’s so strange that the ordinary things are what I miss the most. I would give anything to have one day just doing chores with you.

There are so many things I wish I could ask you, so many things I want to remember and teach to my daughter.

I hope one day I can be even half as amazing as you were. I promise to do my best, to be the best version of myself and to fight each day to give her the life she deserves. I know being a mom won’t be easy and I can never be perfect at it, but you sure were.

READ: An open letter to my unplanned child: You are the best thing that happened to me

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