Infidelity and financial problems would probably be our best guess when asked why a blissfully married couple called it quits.
But for Karen Barnes, a wife and mom, it is the unexpected things that couples should watch out for. In an article for FamilyShare, she shares things she wish she knew could end up ruining her marriage.
It started planning her perfect wedding, which caused her to overlook that the actual marriage is what she should be preparing for. She cautions women to look beyond the fairytale dream wedding and focus on the person and the life they’re marrying into. Even if your dreamy wedding turns out to be picture perfect it’s no guarantee of a happy, blissful marriage.
Here are some more seemingly perfect things she wasn’t expecting could ruin her marriage.
1. Marriage is a time of bliss
Karen writes that one of her mistakes was assuming that marriage is easy. This isn’t the case. In fact, it is deceptive. Getting married is easy–save, perhaps, for the stress of wedding planning–but it’s living up to one’s vows that proves to be the challenge.
Keeping your partner happy, maintaining a good relationship, despite the ups and downs, the fights and hurdles, is something that should not be underestimated. Marriage should be entered knowing full well that it’s not going to be a walk in the park, no matter how compatible you both are.
2. Having kids is easy
Karen Barnes lauds couples who get through the baby and toddler years without wanting to end their marriage. Because not everyone manages to overcome this. Having children truly puts a marriage to the test.
She emphasizes the fact that having babies affects a couple’s relationship (including quality time and intimacy) as well as their individual lives–their sleep cycle, stress level and finances.
According to several studies, having children puts strain and has other negative impacts on a marriage. This does not mean that the beauty of bringing a child into this world only comes with disadvantages. It is important, however, for couples to know that having a baby isn’t an instant solution to existing marital problems.
photo: dreamstime
3. Childless means carefree
Couples without kids aren’t immune to marital discord. Karen writes that not having children could just as easily harm a marriage as having kids can test it.
According to a study, those who don’t have kids or couples who are infertile or suffered miscarriages are more likely to divorce. Karen goes on to cite how 66% of divorced couples in the U.S. are those without kids.
5. Marrying the perfect partner
If a guy or girl seems to be perfect, they are not showing their real selves. Either that or there’s something wrong with our perception of who they are. Nobody is perfect, but being in love tends to cause us to overlook this fact.
Admitting to your flaws is part of showing who you truly are. Marrying someone “perfect” is boring, it’s the little quirks and flaws that not only make someone more authentic, but more lovable as well.
Karen also cautioned against modelling your parents’ marriage as the perfect marriage. Generations change and what worked for them may not work for you, simply because you’re living in a different time. Her advice is to scrap idealizing your folks’ long-lasting relationship and to work on a firm foundation and a structure that works for you.
She ends by writing how she believes there is no “right time” to get married. Couples who marry young can outlast those who married in their 40s, and vice versa. In her opinion, taking one’s time promises no certainty that a marriage will last forever.
By knowing all of this, she hopes couples can guard against unexpected hazards in order to have an imperfect but happy and lasting marriage.
READ: 5 Ways to bring back the trust you lost in your marriage
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