I don’t enjoy sex with my husband. What should I do?

It is not a question of love. There is still love, definitely—but why is sex not as exciting as before?

Truth is, it happens to almost every couple. There comes a time in almost every woman’s life when she has to deal with a dry spell or the occasional “not in the mood” that turned into “get back to me in a month and we’ll see”.

A healthy sex life makes for a strong sexual bond, which is an important part of marriage or any romantic relationship. It can be quite disconcerting when one (or both!) is not enjoying sex anymore.

There is no simple solution to this relationship muddle. Admiting there is a problem is a first step, but figuring out the why and what to do is as complex as it is tricky. An important next step is to talk to each other and agree to make things work again, and rekindle the fire that has been snuffed out by something still unknown to you two.

Together you can work on how to have a more fulfilling sex life, and mend your marriage in the process. Cheesy as it sounds, there is no hurdle that can stand in your way if you have love for each other.

Re-igniting your desire for sex

Every person is different, and so has different desires and source of pleasure. Each of us also have our own hang-us and quirks. Therefore we may have different reasons for enjoying and not enjoying sex, or why we stopped liking what we used to about it.

Women struggling to enjoy sex is actually a common issue, but should be addressed according to the root cause. Some say it is a physical issue, while others claim a psychological concern. Still some have both.

According to Holly L. Thacker, MD, Director of the Center for Specialized Women’s Health and Executive Director of Speaking of Women’s Health, in her online article for Cleveland Clinic, this disinterest in sex is often referred to as Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD).

Here’s a look at some of the most common reasons:

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1. Long-term relationships.

If you’ve been married for a quite sometime now, then that could it. Are you holding on so dearly on memories of your “honeymoon period”, when you were still younger and all over each other? But after years of marital bliss, may come the marital odds.

Romance usually takes a back seat after having kids and trying to get through the every day hustle at home. And when romance dwindles, having sex may become a thing of the past, too.

According to Dr. Thacker, if you are not suffering from any diagnosed physical or pyschological problem, and you still want intimacy with your partner (just not seeking it as before), losing your sex drive may just be for the moment and should not be considered a problem at all.

“It is normal for women to lose some of their sexual drive as they get older, and much depends on whether or not she considers this an issue,” she explains. Lack of sexual desire does not necessarily connote that you are sexually dysfunctional. As long as is not causing distress, it cannot be diagnosed as a dysfunction.

2. Physical concerns.

The most common cause for diminished sex drive in women is low libido, or what is medically known as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). When the woman claims she feels numb and empty when having sex, and is generally unreceptive of any sexual feeling, coupled with distress, it could be HSDD.

Some women find it difficult being aroused because they feel pain during sex or they have Sexual Arousal Disorder (a counterpart of erectile dysfunction in men). In some cases, the pain is caused by a lack of hormones due to menopausal vulvo-vaginal atrophy.

3. Differing sexual interests.

Having different expectations about sex is fairly common. After all, you have two individuals who have different personalities, upbringings and backgrounds, who are now sharing a life—and a bed.

4. Inability to achieve orgasm.

According to Dr. Thacker, up to 10-20 percent of women never achieve orgasm, while many others have difficulty having one. This becomes a problem in the bedroom, in that the Mrs. feels insecure, inadequate, or just disinterested because there’s something amiss.

5. Medication that gets in the way.

Some women discovered that their birth control pills actually got in the way of their sexual appetite. As soon as they got off the pill, their sex life was back on track.

What can you do?

There are effective ways to manage this marital situation. In recent studies*, it is said that people who are motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs, turn out to find satisfaction, both sexually and emotionally.

In other words, if you are focused and bent on making your spouse feel loved and desired, the benefits would be enjoyed by both husband and wife. So as long as there is love, everything is possible—even getting your bedroom groove back.

Rediscover yourself—sexually

Physical passion and eroticism are integral part of a marriage, and that which we need to keep alive and a-fire. You cannot just feel aroused by your husband magically. It takes hard work and resourcefulness.

You also have to rediscover yourself and your deepest desires, and what turns you on. Others turn to watching sexy films or reading stories (why do you think Fifty Shades was a bestseller?), while some experiment with more sexual “props” and toys, or even try out role-playing. I have known couples who attended sex classes, too.

Whatever floats your boat or tickles your fancy, take those into your bedroom and make your bed an exciting rendezvous again.

Talk to your husband

Once you know what you want, turn to your husband and tell him about it. Sex is not just about sex. It is also about romance and adventure, and a loving relationship. Talk to each other so that you can redefine your marriage and relationship. Learn to appreciate your husband again and talk to him about your wants and needs, as you listen to his.

It is impossible to enjoy sex if you do not feel comfortable. Stress can be a major factor in decreased sexual appetite.

The best thing to do is to open communication lines with your husband and work on the problem together. And when I say talk, I mean be specific when you’re having sex and tell him what is it you want, exactly, and how you want to be caressed or aroused.

Talk about sexual preferences and kinks. Explore your fantasies, too, because why not? What matters is there is a mutual sense of sexual fulfilment. Do not let embarrassment and shyness overwhelm you. Remember that he is your husband and he is your partner for life.

Focus on what you want, and what he wants, not what other people will say if they find out what your two are doing.

Seek treatments for sexual dysfunction

If the problem is sexual dysfunction, seek medical and professional help. There are a variety of treatments, from topical creams and oral medication (vaginal estrogen), to hormone treatments and devices to help with genital arousal problems and pain. Talk to a doctor to find the right treatment for your specific problem.

reference: Social Psychological and Personality Science, Cleveland Clinic 

Also READ: Why does my husband want to share me sexually with other men?