The holiday season is a special time in Filipino homes—full of laughter, family reunions, and delicious food. But while family gatherings are a joyful occasion, they can sometimes leave children feeling uncomfortable. Whether it’s dealing with well-meaning but intrusive questions, receiving unsolicited comments on their appearance, or being pressured to give hugs and kisses, navigating these social situations can be tricky for kids. So, how can you, as a parent, help your child set healthy boundaries while honoring Filipino values of respect for elders and close family ties?
Here’s how you can empower your child to confidently set boundaries during family gatherings, without coming across as rude, and still show respect for the closeness our culture values.
Understanding Filipino Family Culture: The Good and the Challenging
In Filipino culture, family is everything. We’re close-knit, not just with immediate family, but with extended relatives too—titos, titas, lolos, and lolas. This strong sense of “kapwa” (shared identity) fosters a deep feeling of closeness. However, it can also sometimes be overwhelming, especially for children who may feel pressured to show affection or respond to questions they’re not ready to answer.
In Filipino families, it’s common to expect children to show respect by giving hugs or kisses, and answering personal questions—even if they’re uncomfortable. While these gestures come from a place of love, they can feel invasive for some kids.
As a parent, your role is to help your child set boundaries in a way that feels respectful but also protects their personal space.
Why Setting Boundaries is Important for Your Child
Teaching children how to set boundaries is not just about saying “no.” It’s a crucial life skill that helps them build self-respect, emotional intelligence, and confidence. According to parenting expert Dr. Laura Markham, “Boundaries teach children how to respect themselves and others, manage their emotions, and navigate social situations.”
Boundaries also make children feel safe. When they understand that it’s okay to say “no” or step back from certain situations, they feel more in control. This skill will help them in many areas of life—whether at family gatherings or later, as they enter the workplace or face difficult social situations.
Common Boundary Challenges in Filipino Family Gatherings
Holiday gatherings are meant to be fun, but they can also create moments that make kids feel uncomfortable. Here are some common situations where boundaries are often tested:
- Backhanded Comments and Teasing
Relatives may comment on a child’s appearance or behavior, often under the guise of humor. For example, “Aren’t you getting a little chubby? Don’t you think you should lose weight?” These remarks, even if well-meaning, can hurt a child’s feelings.
- Pressure to Show Physical Affection
Filipino culture values respect, often shown through physical affection. Children are expected to kiss or hug older relatives, but not all kids are comfortable with this. Some may prefer a simple “hello” instead of a hug or kiss.
- Intrusive Personal Questions
Relatives may ask probing questions like, “When are you getting married?” or “Why aren’t you dating yet?” While these questions come from care, they can make children feel embarrassed or pressured.
Helping Your Child Set Boundaries Gracefully
Empowering your child to set boundaries isn’t something that happens overnight. It requires guidance, practice, and support. Here’s how you can help your child feel confident while maintaining family harmony:
1. Model Healthy Boundaries Yourself
Children learn best by example. If they see you respectfully setting boundaries with relatives, they’ll understand it’s okay to do the same. For instance, if a relative makes a comment you don’t like, calmly say something like, “I’d prefer we not talk about that,” so your child knows it’s okay to assert their own needs.
2. Role-Playing Scenarios
Prepare your child by practicing real-life situations. Act as the overzealous relative, and let your child practice saying, “I’m not comfortable with that” or “I prefer not to talk about that.” Role-playing helps children build confidence in handling uncomfortable situations.
3. Teach Simple, Direct Phrases
Teach your child simple phrases to politely set boundaries:
- For physical affection: “I’m not ready to hug/kiss right now, but I’m happy to say hello.”
- For personal questions: “I’m not comfortable talking about that, but thank you for asking.”
- For teasing comments: “I’m happy with how I am, thanks for your concern.”
Let them know that these responses aren’t disrespectful—they’re just a way of communicating their needs clearly and respectfully.
When Should You Step In as a Parent?
While it’s important for children to learn to set boundaries on their own, sometimes you may need to step in if a relative is being persistent. Here’s how you can support your child:
1. Speak Up When Needed
If a relative keeps pushing your child’s boundaries, it’s okay for you to step in and say something like, “I know you mean well, but my child isn’t comfortable with that.” This shows your child that you’ve got their back.
2. Praise Your Child’s Efforts
After the gathering, praise your child for standing up for themselves. Positive reinforcement helps them feel good about advocating for their boundaries.
3. Prepare for Pushback
Sometimes, relatives might not understand or might feel hurt by the boundaries your child sets. Be ready to explain that while family closeness is important, personal boundaries must be respected as well.
Conclusion: Navigating Family Gatherings with Respect and Comfort
Teaching your child how to set boundaries doesn’t mean rejecting Filipino traditions—it’s about finding a balance between cultural values and personal comfort. By helping your child advocate for themselves, you’re teaching them an important life skill that will serve them well in the future. With practice and support, your child will be able to navigate family gatherings with confidence, allowing everyone to enjoy the holidays with respect and understanding.
