When Baby Comes First and Husband Comes Second

When Baby Comes First and Husband Comes Second

Relationship expert and New York Times best-selling author Ian Kerner started feeling confused and conflicted after he and his wife got their first baby. He didn’t understand what was happening to him but his nights were usually sleepless, not to mention sexless. Just as he thought that things would start to get better, their second baby came and things just became crazier.

He found himself thinking about sex even while listening to his wife reading a story by Dr. Seuss. While he was feeling annoyed and frustrated, his wife looked like she was totally in love. He felt like he was the third wheel intruding on his wife’s blissful relationship with someone else – their baby.

Experts say that we all have eros in us. It is a force that motivates us to love and to create. When couples are newly married, the only object of a wife’s eros is her husband. But as soon as the first baby is born, things totally change. Doting, cuddling, feeding, and fussing over her baby becomes a woman’s expression of this powerful force. Wives can become so busy fawning over their babies that they don’t even notice their husbands at all. This usually makes men feel rejected and depressed.

Therapist Esther Perel advises couples to redirect eros back into their relationships. Wives should learn to reallocate energy back into their intimacy with their husbands. Maintaining balance is important in achieving a healthy family life. So husbands, next time you feel like you’re the third wheel in your wife’s relationship with your baby, reach out to her and tell her that you miss her. Wives, please acknowledge your husband and reciprocate the attention!

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